Until today. I laid in bed last night next to my husband and cried myself to sleep. I cried because my husband hasn't touched me in 3 years this May. We both are young (he is 38 and I am 33) of course the obvious goes through my head: He's cheating on me, he doesn't find me attractive, etc, all of which he's assured me isn't true. And than I wrote this:

REFLECTION:
--------------

I look in the mirror and don't like what I see.
The rolls, cellulite and jelly belly.


So now I must punish myself. But the question is how?
I can eat and eat and continue to grow or exercise until I blow.
I think I will pick the latter in hopes I don't get fatter because all I see is gross.
I'm disgusting. I'm revolting. I'm
undesirable. I'm not plump I'm just fat.
I'm not fluffy, I'm grotesque.

Fat.
Disgusting.
Nasty.

These are words that fit me perfectly,
better than any pair of skinny jeans ever will.

I don't have any advice or words of comfort since I am not married or anything like that. but I just wanted to give you a hug. Is it possible you can talk with your husband about how you feel and find out why you guys haven't been intimate for 3 years? Counseling?

I have been over 230lbs and I totally understand how you feel at that weight. It's not fun but it is POSSIBLE to be happier. I am definitely not bikini-ready at 171 and probably will never be due to loose skin and stretch marks (that may improve somewhat after getting to goal and maintaining for over a year along with weight/strength training) but I FEEL a lot better, more confident and somewhat happier. Maybe you will too? I don't know.

First, let me say that I am very sorry that you are going through this. But also you are not alone. I have been exactly where you are. I know exactly what this feels like.

He may have deep seated issues with weight. I don't know - as you haven't shared the whole story here, but more than likely this isn't really about you, but about him having power of you by withholding intimacy.

Marriages like this, sexless marriages, can cause situational depression. And even if you aren't depressed, you have every right to feel sad, lonely, angry and forsaken. Sexual expression is a natural part of marriage and where it is lacking there is something really wrong.

I know this is VERY hard to do - and maybe even impossible - but try not to turn this in on yourself. Know that you deserve better. Please know that other men will find you attractive and would want to have sex with you.

Please PM me. I am happy to share some helpful resources that are about this but not weight loss.

You are not alone. More and more lately I feel exactly what your words say on a daily basis. I looked in the mirror this morning and just thought to myself how disgusting I am. I, myself, am 34. I have 4 kids and a boyfriend of 17 yrs. I know in my head what I need to do. I just don't have that strength or will power to do it. And I am an emotional eater. So imagine how much I eat with all of these feelings I have. I want more than ever to be thin, just once in my life. I hide being a smiling, joking face. I tired of hiding. I want to take control of my life. I want to go shopping and actually buy something that looks good on me. And not walk out of the store upset and discourage.

You are I seem very much alike. Maybe we can buddy up and give eachother inspiration and support.

Thank you all for responding, for your kind words and sharing your experiences as well. I just want to say I didn't post this as a "pity party" for myself, but rather just that I made a huge revelation today and I think when I started writing the words above is when I realized that wow, I have an issue and it's depression.

As for my Husband, I should mention that we'll be married 6 years this year and as I mentioned we'll be sexless 3 years, this May. It's him, not me. Now he was diagnosed Sczchotypal while in the Military but recently that diagnosis was dismissed and he's been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. I am trying to find more information on that specific disorder and any impact it may have on intimacy, ya know in hopes of believing "it's not me it's him", but it's hard.
I think that no matter what the excuse and/or reason is for a lack of intimacy in a relationship that women take it really personal. And I have.

amandie, congrats on your weightloss, that's awesome!

AlmostMe I will certainly get in touch with you, anything that can help my head at this point is a good thing.

emid78, a buddy wouldd be great, because I know I can certainly use the support in losing weight.

Even I have experienced that time, it was horrible, I never want to remind those moments.