This morning, I was reading through some of my past blog entries over on the Weight Watchers site. Reading those older entries helps me to understand things about myself and to spot patterns that may not have been obvious at the time I wrote the entries. I noticed that more than once, I referred to seeing myself as an amorphous blob. I've also noticed, through both my writing and my daily actions, that I'm spending more time looking, really looking at myself.

A lot of that has to do with the visible, noticeable, physical changes. I've shed almost 69 pounds. That's the equivalent of a little over 8 gallons of water. When I first started this weight loss effort, I couldn't get out of the shower without brushing against the shower door frame. Now, I have plenty of room to spare. My belly used to touch the steering wheel of my car and I was getting close to having to back the seat up in order to fit. Now, I've got quite a bit of space, so much so that I had to move the seat closer to comfortably reach the peddles. Those are great changes, but perhaps not the best changes.

You see, for the last several years, I felt ugly and sexless. I was the amorphous blob with no gender. I ceased to care much about how I looked other than being clean, wearing clean clothing and being just presentable enough for work. When I got too big to shave my legs, I stopped doing other things too. That moment, on that day, is when the amorphous blob took complete control of my outlook towards my body. I had my hair cut mannishly short and stopped styling it. I stopped shaping my eyebrows and doing my fingernails. I gradually, without even realizing it, purged my closet of anything overtly feminine. I purchased clothing that while pleasing to me in color, was mostly utilitarian and masculine in cut. It was clothing I could grow into as I continued to gain weight. I felt that I didn't deserve pretty things and the notion was firmly planted in my attic that I really wasn't a woman anymore. Just a thing. Just a blob. Just a fat pumpkin waddling on sausage legs.

That's not true anymore. I see a shape emerging, a womanly shape. My belly, while still big, no longer protrudes further than my breasts. I'm seeing hips and the beginnings of a defined waistline. My legs, particularly my thighs, are noticeably smaller. My upper arms are still a bloody nightmare and getting worse as I grow bat wings, but my wrists and forearms are smaller and they look a bit more feminine. I find myself from time to time just looking at my wrists and thinking, "Wow. Maybe I can start wearing a watch again or maybe even a bracelet." My face, which was horribly bloated, is smaller now. The fat around my neck, which was literally strangling me at night, is melting away. I no longer feel like a pumpkin waddling around on sausage legs. I'm beginning to see the woman emerging from the amorphous blob.

As I watch my body changing, my attitude is changing too. I feel like a woman not just a thing. I'm letting my hair grow and I actually style it from time to time. Instead of going to the cheapest place possible to get my hair cut, I'm spending a little more money for a better cut, a better style and just an overall better experience. I started doing my nails again. I had my eyebrows done last week and I swear that took about 5 years off my face. I've noticed that while my clothing now is still fairly utilitarian, my eye is drifting towards pieces that I think are pretty, even stylish, rather than mere covering for a swelling body.

I no longer see the amorphous blob in the mirror, I see me. A smaller, noticeably female, happier me.

Bye bye, blob.

What a great post! I can really relate to how you used to feel. I remember thinking of myself as a football linebacker - until I read a brief article mentioning an actual NFL linebacker who was about 8 inches taller than me and 40lbs lighter! That was an unpleasant eye opener! Anyway, I definitely felt more asexual, if not masculine, when I was at my high weight. I think no longer fitting into my wedding/engagement rings was a real blow too. As I got heavier, all the color got removed from my wardrobe. Practically all of the bigger clothing I bought was in black. I certainly feel more feminine now and the color is starting to return to my clothes as I buy smaller sizes (I still like black, though!). I am so happy that you are getting your groove back and pampering yourself! 69lbs is amazing!!! Happy holidays.

Oh yeah, I think many of us here can relate. I used to fool myself that I was 'just a really down to earth person and didn't need that fancy stuff.' when the reality was that I was afraid to try to look nice and still look awful, so why try?

Turns out I really still am a down to earth person, but even those people wear makeup, do their hair and wear some jewelry sometimes.

It's a shame really how many of us feel that extra weight means you can't be or try to be pretty.

I relate big time! I think that I got to a stage where I felt like I didn't deserve to look good on the outside because I didn't feel good about myself on the inside.

Well done on your weight loss, that really awesome!

Yay for you!!! Congrats on your weight loss! And congrats on gaining a new perspective about yourself!

Great post! And yes, I can relate too. I used to keep my black fleece jacket on almost all the time, even when I was sweltering hot... in order to try to hide my ugly clothes and most of all my horrendously huge boobs. Now I find myself taking off my jacket so my pretty clothes will show. Still the boob problem but not as bad as before plus I know now that I have a surgeon who is going to take care of that when I lose a bit more weight.

I went out and bought some new earrings and am planning to order some pretty shoes.

My church is casual... jeans and casual top are fine, or even shorts if people want. But I am finding myself really enjoying having a closet full of beautiful clothes and dressing up a bit... taking more care with my makeup, etc.

It's fun, isn't it?

I am so happy for you!!!! Way to go!!

I totally, totally relate to this; I think we're in very similar situations right now and I've just called it becoming "normal." Because when I was bigger? Doing my hair, makeup, wearing jewelry, buying nice clothes, it all seemed either pointless, unrealistic, ridiculous, or downright impossible. But a womanly figure is slowly emerging as I lose the weight, allowing me to forget the shapeless blob that struggled to find clothes big enough to fit (let alone be remotely flattering or stylish). I'm actually getting interested in shopping for nice clothes, doing my makeup and wearing jewelry. I think when I was younger (AKA teenager) I was bitter about not being "allowed" to do such things, and as I got older I pretty much accepted it. But not anymore.

I like this "normal" feeling.

I relate to this in so many ways. I always thought of myself as "low maintenance," when, in fact, I was just trying to hide. Thanks for putting into words something I've been grappling with, myself. And, congrats on the weightloss progress!

Such a great post that will no doubt strike a chord with a lot of us here.

At my highest weight, I never took time to style my hair except for special occasions. Now I style it every day. Little changes like this help to give me an ego boost and I feel so much more 'womanly' by making more of an effort.

I definitely require a bit more maintenance now, but I still consider myself relatively low maintenance compared to some

I have become far more conscientious of my clothes. It's a case of what looks good now, not just what fits. I think this change in behaviour/approach is a key part of the weightloss journey and coming to terms with who we are.

Thanks for sharing!

I love this post and can relate to the feelings you experience. It was really good to see and you should be beyond proud of how far you have come! Keep up the great work and keep loving yourself and they way you look!

This is just so great! I love it when people post these kinds of things. Becoming more confident, taking more pride in ourselves, loving ourselves and how we look, this is just such a great thing!

Way to go on your weight loss, you are doing fantastic!

Thank you all for your comments and encouragement!

It is comforting to know that I'm not alone in how I felt about myself when I was at my highest weight. It's still a struggle sometimes not to let the blob win.

Garnet, what amazing insight, thank you for sharing.

Garnet,

First off, congrats! And I also can relate to what you are saying. At my highest I felt like a genderless blob too. Everything you described was my experience too. After I lost the first 20ish pounds, I bought a purse. I hadn't had a purse in 5 years. And I remember feeling so dumb carrying it around. Like it was this cute little green accessory which (in my mind) looked absurd with my big, "manly" body. Now I am starting to feel like a woman again. I do all of the things the previous posters mentioned after many years of "not bothering." It's an amazing feeling to "be back."

Although, I can't relate to the things you said as I have not experienced them, I do want to come and offer you support and congratulations. I wish I could go back and give your heavier self a hug and tell you then, and now, that you are always worth the effort. I'm glad you are caring about yourself now. I wish everyone loved and cared about themselves heavy or thin. With all of our imperfections. Do we love our friends/sisters/mothers less because they are overweight? NO...we don't see their weight as any indication of the person they are...so why then, do we let ourselves judge ourselves based on our weight?!!! I think there is value in finding out WHY you do that but the fact that you stopped is so much better. People who love you, love you for WHO you are...not what you look like. And bravo for how far you've come in your weight loss and your mental health!!!!