Oh Jen.... I think you and I have much in common.... and probably many of the other maintainers here too.... so much about control issues, mind games, etc.
I've been doing a great deal of contemplating the last few days about my feelings regarding my weight-- how I let it mentally control me and my moods so much. I was very happily maintaining 117-119 for close to two years and gradually over the last year my weight has crept up. I can't really pinpoint why. It's gotten me quite frustrated. On Monday when I was 128 on the scale, I had a hard day mentally-- I was doing a lot of self-loathing talk-- If I'm working so hard to keep my weight off and I'm going to gain it back anyway-- I might as well eat what I want and enjoy myself! Seriously-- that's what I was telling myself. I am so tired of watching everyone at work eat all the crap while I abstain-- it was quite the topic the other day when the teachers had a meeting in the library-- there was a huge bowl of candy (on my desk of course)-- as everyone kept coming up and getting candy they kept remarking about how I never eat the stuff (as I was madly chewing my carrots and trying to ignore the candy). I said that no-- I don't because I can't control myself. I started really missing the days that dh and I would share a large (pound) bag of peanut M&M's. I haven't had one in years.
The last few days my weight is starting to shift back down. I was 124 this morning and my redline is 125. So, why should 4 pounds make such a difference mentally? I don't know-- but it does.
Now I'm concerned because dh comes back today after being gone for two weeks. It was his last real trip of the year. He always says that I should be able to "really focus" on my weight and exercise when he's gone so I can have some "fun" with him when he's home. Meaning he'll want to go out to eat to somewhere where it will be very difficult to make good choices. I'm mad that I didn't make more progress while he was gone but I was sick, busy, trying to run a house, take care of four animals, put out the fires with my girls, etc.
So, more self discovery is needed I think.
Dh is planning on taking me to lunch today so I'll have to be careful. I weigh in Saturday morning at Weight Watchers and I'd love to be down a bit more before then.
Let's not even mention the impending holidays and all that entails....