My entire life has been a struggle with weight loss and weight gain - the gaining winning overall. I'm sure there are many women on this website who have had the same experience. Being in the fashion industry has truly taken its toil on me. Although I am interested in being a size 0 and eating a carrot a day, I would like my jovial youthful spirit back, as well as a body that would blend in with the fashion crowd. I am behind the lens bravely snapping pictures, yes I fear stepping in front of the truth teller. The last thing I want to do is go to fashion events and feel the judgmental eyes landing on me yet again. It's an exhausting business to be in. One might ask why I am a part of it and I can only say that it's what I feel I am led to do, regardless of the challenges I face every day with my physical self.
The Break Down:
I have participated in many diet fads. Some have worked, for a short time, and some were a complete failure. I have had a personal trainer, spent thousands of dollars on her to yield only "tone up" results. I have had my thyroid checked, only to be told it's working and I have maintained an excellent diet, only to fail because bad foods are so freakin' good. This usually happens when I have gotten upset and decided I was worthy of looking beautiful anyway.
Why I Need to Do This:
I need energy. I'm working on my Master degree while working for modeling agencies in town. I'm tired all the time, rarely want to get up, and I feel so lazy and without purpose.
I want to fit in chairs comfortably. I can't even describe how miserable I am sitting, yet sitting is all I do. I hate that my booty hangs over the side of chairs while others rest comfortably. I hate that when I take a flight somewhere I have to make the seatbelt go as far as possibly just to be comfortable.
I want to be hit on. Of course we can pin it on men to be shallow when they don't want to date a "bigger girl," but in all fairness they want to be with someone they are attracted to. I am a fat girl, so I am overlooked, undesirable. I'm in my 20s and I should be going out and enjoying life, but I sit at home, miserable telling myself I don't go out because I am "over that stage" when in all honesty I know I don't belong to that stage and will be miserable if I am apart of it.
For my business. It's hard to be in a body conscious business when you're the exact opposite of what it expects.
In all, I am just tired - so tired of trying. I need to be around positivity. I was grocery shopping yesterday, trying to make healthy choices when some jerk walked up to me in the store and asked "Excuse me, ma'am. But do you know of anyone who wants to make money while losing weight." Of course he was suggesting that I say "how do I sign up." Bottom line I left the grocery store without buying much of anything and sitting in my car crying for an hour before I was in any condition to drive.
I know this is a lot to read and I apologize, but I truly needed to vent. I need help. I need encouragement. I need a reminder to fight for me.
Stats:
Age: 26
Weight: 230+ (I fear owning a scale. I really can't imagine buying one.)
Height 5'3"