For you old-timers who know me, I'm chipping away at a big regain.
When I lost the weight the first time around, I had been morbidly obese for 20 years. I couldn't even remember what it was like to be fit and slim.
This time around, I lived at a near-normal BMI for close to two years. So I DO remember what it was like to be slim.
Life as a slim person:
1. It's easy to get dressed in the morning. I know that if I pull on a pair of pants and a shirt, I'll look reasonably put together. Because of this, I care more about how I look. I enjoy trying to look good. My kids can't believe that when we go to the mall I want to shop for myself. They're used to me only shopping for them.
2. It's still hard to shop. There is stuff that doesn't look good and me, and I always wish I wore a smaller size. Still, it's as if a whole new world has been opened to me when I shop in the "normal" section.
3. I have to keep reminding myself that I look "normal." I'm so used to living life as a morbidly obese person that I forget that other people don't see me that way anymore.
4. Other people look crazy fat to me. The women in my office? Wow, I can't BELIEVE how fat they are. I wonder how they can stand it. I feel really bad for them because I know how they feel.
5. I have a ton of energy. I walk up 6 flights of stairs in the parking garage everyday because I can.
6. People treat me differently, and I'm not quite sure how to interpret this. People are friendlier, and it leaves me often wondering why people are being so friendly.
7. Men are much friendlier to me. They look right at me. They pay attention when I'm talking. I find that surprising and constantly have to remind myself that they seem to be genuinely interested in talking to me. I'm sometimes not sure if I'm flirting. I am friendly, and this gets a different reaction from what I'm used to.
8. I am not embarrassed as often: being fat to me means chronic worry. Will my clothes look okay? Will I fit in the seat? Will I break the toilet seat? Will I look okay? Will I have to do something that my weight makes difficult? When I'm slim, all those worries fade away, and new ones DO NOT take their place. Life is just plain easier.
9. I don't worry about my health. I know that I'm healthy and taking care of myself.
10. I don't find it hard, on a day to day basis, to stay on plan, although sometimes I'm exhausted and just plain sick of dragging myself to the gym. In general, I feel like I handle stress better.
Since the regain:
1. I don't quite realize how much bigger I am, although I should get a clue since a lot of the clothes in my closet don't fit.
2. I DREAD the days when I need to look put together (I work from home, so it's not every day, thank goodness!) It's so hard to figure out what to wear. I can get dressed, but to really look "pulled together" takes a ton of worry and strategizing. The old embarrassed feeling is back.
3. I worry a lot about my health, and then try to push it out of my mind.
4. I feel trapped inside my mind. I think about food a lot and I feel sort of ruled by it.
5. People treat me differently but I'm not really sure why. For example, when I walk into a store, the sales people are less friendly. I can't understand why. While thin, I got used to being treated "normally" and I'm a bit surprised when people who don't know me seem to treat me as if I'm not very important.
6. Not a single person comments on my weight gain. I realize that my family hasn't really noticed....they suggest that I wear outfits that no longer fit... but I know that friends who haven't seen me in a while look surprised and are unsure what to say. I'm not sure what to say either.
7. For some reason, when I thinking about getting back on plan, I remember the difficult things about it, even though in reality, staying on plan didn't seem all that difficult, once I got the hang of it.
8. The fat people in my office look normal. The thin people look tiny. I realize that I'm now as big, or bigger than the people who looked huge to me when I was thin. I wonder what people think of me, but of course, nobody says a word.
What kinds of differences do you all notice?