First of all, I apologize for the length of this post.
My mojo's done gone miss'n!! Yup. Lost it. Can't seem to find it. Wah.
I'm really trying to hang in there. But for the past few months, I have just been so blase about my "weight loss journey" (and why does that term make me cringe?) I'm still logging my calories (FitDay) and I'm still eating mostly clean. But I've hopped aboard the Sugar Train again, and now I've made the connection on the Bread Train. I feel a little pathetic about it.
My goal has not been met. I've admitted (in other threads) that I have gained a little weight back. Five pounds up. Then bouncing around with 2 or 3 pounds here & there. Ok, I know, that's not so bad. But that lingering, nagging fear about regaining it all (plus more!) is stalking me. Always the monkey on my back.
And I celebrated a birthday on Friday. Had a big party on Saturday. Last year in my 40's. Oh.My.GAWD. I really wanted to be at goal for my b'day, but nope. I hardly ate anything at all all day, just wasn't hungry. We had lots of food at the party that night. I had a couple spoonfuls of my husband's famous velveeta cheese/hamburger dip, but mostly stuck to the shrimp dip that I love so much (boiled shrimp, salsa, fresh tomatoes & cilantro... yum!!!!) Didn't even have ONE single chicken wing. Drank 3 rum and Diet Dr Peppers.
But the next morning. . . there was plenty of cheesy bread left over. I had some for breakfast. Then I had the rest for a mid-morning snack. Then I had a handful of chewy choc.chip cookies. Then another handful. But that's all I had all day. No other food at all. Drank two glasses of de-caff tea & had water-water-water the rest of the day/night.
Woke up this morning STILL feeling stuffed like a pinata!! I am having my morning coffee and can't imagine having ANY FOOD today at all. My stomach feels round. Like a basketball/watermelon. A basketmelon. Yeah, that's it. And I feel that monkey on my back like an extra 25 lb. (Actually down one pound from yesterday). Weighed this morning at 159, but I KNOW I'm carrying at least 3 lb of water weight. UGH... all. that. BREAD!!!!
The fact of the matter is... I'm just TIRED. Tired of dieting. Tired of the "routine." Feel like I should maybe shake things up a bit. Try something new. But afraid to do that. Did it a few months ago by taking a "break" from dieting (just maintaining) and hey... gained 3-5 lb, so that really sucked. I feel ... STUCK. Eternally stuck. Like "what's the point?" stuck. I miss ShanIAm and berryblonde - they've not been around for a little while and I really connect with them on our body types and goals, etc.
If I cannot get myself back into gear... find my mojo... I'm so scared I'll end up back at 192. Or worse. 200. 225. 250. Etc. My daily food intake is really not bad. Still having my yummy veggie/cheese (low fat) omelette for breakfast with coffee, a mid-a.m. snack of a handful of nuts or fruit and then lunch is a tomato/cucumber/carrot salad, and 2 oz of turkey.
Dinner can be a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios w/skim milk on a non-planned day. Occasionally we get lazy & order a 1-topping pizza on a Friday night, but I only eat a couple slices. (Cheesy bread mocks me.) Planned dinners are usually baked chicken or pork chops with veggies or something similar. And then I like to enjoy a low-fat/low calorie dessert treat. But often, I have two, or three... or six. I hate me when I do that. And exercise? Ha. Walking the dogs for 20 minutes a day does not equal real exercise. It's better than nothing. But I've barely been swimming & not weight lifting at all.
Wow. I really need to find my mojo!