And is it okay?
Hi everyone--this is sort of a strange issue that I'm not sure how to classify.
I am married (though we've had major issues) and I think weight has played a part in my current relationship with my husband.
We had a very sick kid who is better now, but was sick for over 2 years. The stress was unbelievable. Before this happened I weighed about 170/size 12 (had 3 kids in 2 years) and that was about the best I could do with so much else to take care of.
When our child got sick I initially lost about 30 lbs in 2 months--severe grief is an appetite killer. But then the stress (which fell mostly on me) of dealing with the therapies, doctors appts., special diet, nutritional/medication for our kid continued, I rewarded myself with treats.
I began going to the store after my kids went to bed, and bought bags of candy, and numbed the pain by eating and watching TV. My husband didn't know what to do with me, so he went on with his life.
I got up to about 210. I made a bit of an effort about 6 months ago, and slowly lost 15 by just not eating as much. During this time (about a year ago) my husband and I stopped making love, first it was grief, then I think he was super disappointed in my appearance. I pretty much stopped doing things for myself--haven't bought clothes, didn't wear make-up much, etc. I felt like, why bother when you have such a very sick child? How selfish/superficial would that be to try to look pretty? What was the point?
So he has made some cracks that have really ticked me off. About a year ago, he made some comment in an argument that he thought I'd "at least lose weight for me". I told him that I'd lose weight when I was ready, and for me. Now when he sees someone who's lost weight or someone jogging or walking he'll make a big deal out of it and say "Good for her/him!" Or says I could lose weight if I "wanted to".
So he is fit, and works out a lot. He would love nothing more than to work out with me, or come up with a whole workout/weightlifting/diet/calorie plan for me which angers me. He's been nice and generous about it, and it still makes me mad. I know this is nonsensical.
I feel like I'm not loved fully because I'm fat. That he'd LOVE to take credit for helping rehabilitate me. I feel like with every bit of weight I gain, I have less power in our relationship--just subtle things.
Not even sure what I'm after here? I just want to lose weight on my terms n my own time. And part of me feels I'll be angry that if I do lose enough to EARN his positive reinforcement that I'll resent the heck out of the conditional aspect of it.
Anyone else struggled with this?