Hi Coaches

I just wanted to check in before bed. I had an odd food day today. I ate all my food before 3pm, and it wasn't a lot of food either just some big starchy bagels that took all my allotted food points for the whole day. I knew that might happen if I didn't get the soup made, and I didn't get the soup made. I wasn't sure if I could hang on but I did so Big Credit for that today. My ceramic guild buddy didn't show up tonight for my presentation, which was okay, but she was in charge of snacks for the group and so there were no snacks. Good thing though, as I was planning on eating a cookie to tide me over... no tiding was necessary. I didn't eat or drink anything off plan. Credit. I got some good feedback on my presentation. The group seemed very energized and I did do my homework and I think it showed and was appreciated. I *felt* appreciated and cared about tonight and that felt good. I sure miss that. Maybe I have a glimmer of hope here in the deep suburbs afterall coaches.

Anyway, time for bed. Can't wait. We bought this memory foam topper for our old worn out mattress on the advice of my sister. Our mattress is pretty comfy but it's getting worn out (a spring caught the edge of our fitted sheet this week!) and when I slept on my side I felt all sore in the morning and my hips felt sore. She said the emmory foam would change the whole bed. they finally went on sale so we (skeptically; hopefully) bought one and I LOVE the bed now. My stiffness and soreness are gone. Of course I think it helps my body to be 16lbs lighter too. Can't discount that. But it's almost the highlight of my day getting into that bed for the night. Ah the coziness of it all...I gotta go!


Have a good evening everyone.

A meeting plus the new Downton Abbey messed up my night last night, which messed up my planning. I had to watch Downton Abbey last night even though we were recording it because otherwise all my Facebook friends would have spoiled the plot for me! So, no planning, no exercise yesterday, no plan for exercise today, everything kind of up in the air and willy nilly. I did manage to eat reasonably well and get in a little exercise (some energetic dancing to one of Pandora's new workout radio stations -- fun!).

WI: NA kgs, Exercise:+35 380/1300 minutes for January, Food: NA %op, Read my Advantages and Responses: yes

fyreflie24: I'm looking forward to hearing what you learn from the nutritionist. Should be interesting!

FutureFitChick: you said "Clearly, it is not a normal reaction to eat more calories when having digestive insult." And yet, that was my way of coping, too. It has been an adjustment to figure out what to do with digestive distress when eat my way out of it became no longer an option. Fortunately, it's a rare situation for me.

Good energies and warm thoughts for all!

I decided to post before I try to head for bed since I am not sure if I will have the time to get on here later today. I apologize for being MIA for the past three days. I "thought" that I would be able to juggle some added activities this past weekend but it didn't work out that way at all. I'll try to do personals next time that I post.

Since I have become more aware of not only what I eat but also how I eat, I have had an increase in an occurrence that can only be described as both weird and startling at the same time. As I have mentioned before, I have always felt like I could pass the suggestions on eating slowly since that it is what I have always done. Ironically, I did until I began to be more acutely aware of my eating behavior by trying to follow the Beck cognitive skills. The more I try to "micro manage" my eating behavior the more this "strange" occurrence is happening.

In the past 6 months, I have had a frequency of my throat muscles tightening up on me when I sit down to eat. What typically precedes this is I am having a mild panic attack prior to eating due to either something that had occurred beforehand or "in the moment". We had gone to one of our favorite restaurants when I saw this huge morbidly obese man facing me diagonally who was eating a salad that was buried under a thick coating of ranch dressing. At first, my thoughts were "He would be a good candidate for the Biggest Loser" but then the thought turned to my own choices on my plate. I started to feel uncomfortable with my own choices although they were not that bad. At that point, I "check out" and I am not mindfully eating. The next thing that happens is I get a strong spasm in my throat which is causing me to nearly choke on my food. I had one of the worst episodes this past Saturday night.

As I was began to eat, a mild panic attack occurred. My thoughts just seemed to blur at that point after I had eaten a few bites and not chewed my food up well enough. I can usually work through this if I walk around but we were in a crowded restaurant and I felt very self-conscious about doing too much "wandering". I went in the bathroom and managed to throw up which helped with the horrible strangling feeling I had but I couldn't even take a sip of water nor speak without feeling the muscles getting tighter so I asked my DH to finish my meal and I went out to our car. I wanted to walk around but it was storming outside; pouring down and lightning to boot. It wasn't until I threw up a second time in the parking lot before I felt some relief but my throat and my stomach were quite sore the remainder of the night and the next day. Paul shared with me that he had something similar decades ago and he said that it was attributed to being under a lot of stress. That's the downside of this past weekend.

The upside is that the women in the group are doing amazingly well. One woman lost 13 lbs this past week with the average weight loss being around 3 lbs. I lost 6.4 lbs but part of that was what I call "sodium bloat". I did not count my weight loss (since it was really losing the same weight a second time) in the challenge. This week should be the real deal and then I can change my ticker again. I am loving every minute of hosting this challenge. I am inspired and energized.

So, making a concerted effort to deep breathe and be more relaxed before I begin to eat my meals.

Doing well with my food plan. Fresh arugula from our garden. Frost killed our snow peas. I plan to plant again. I won't give up on this! Last year it was the heat and now the frost. Eventually, the weather is going to cooperate!

Take care,all.

Pam

I am practicing distinguishing hunger from non-hunger and am extremely discouraged. I am "hungry" to the point of panic attacks almost all afternoon and all evening. I realize this is a way of avoiding work when I'm at work and to keep from feeling empty when I am alone at night. When I give in, as I did yesterday, to eat some unhealthy stuff, the feeling of failure in work and life is very strong and confirms the idea that I will never lose weight, succeed at life, etc.

But I basically have to say "no choice" to this. Despite some unhealthy eating, I did some positive things. I read my advantages and response cards, I sat down to eat. I weighed myself, I tracked my food.

AARGH! Why is this so hard?

Oh forgot to mention. I did make a digital chart like Beck suggested with the hunger/non hunger so credit me for that. However, I was unable to carry it through the afternoon and evening....

fyreflie24: I am loving my Pandora bracelet but still waiting till I can buy a new charm.

tazzy: Credit you for the OP weekend and for limiting yourself on the black forest cake (yum!)

Erika: I like the idea of expansions.

onebyone: sorry you are struggling over space issues. It seems to be that time of year. I am, too, but I'm just at the point where I want everything gone....oh and good job with the presentation.

FFC: good luck with the semester.

BBE: thanks for posting about following the plan no matter what. Not sure I'm there yet, but I need to read it.

Beverlyjoy: great job sticking to the food plan. Awesome about the 3 lbs!

Maryann: meeting with thesis advisors always stressful. Credit you with spontaneous walk!

Lexxiss: Credit for the tracking!

Gardnerjoy: credit you for the advantages and responses!

pamatga: sympathy for the panic attacks around food. I have them too, but they are more of the "I am going to die if I don't eat _____." Doesn't Beck have something about calming yourself down before you start to eat? (don't know this cause I'm not there yet).

Diet Coaches/Buddies - Was a good day with on-plan food; CREDIT moi. And a trip to the gym, CREDIT moi, over great protest. It was good to get back after a hiatus, initially with some justification, then without any. The body is punishing me by pretending that it can't move any of the weights it has done in the past, LOL.

onebyone – Encouraging thought, Hope in the Suburbs - and it even sounds like a great title for book, LOL. Neat that a memory foam made such an impact.

Joy (gardenerjoy) – DW forgot to watch Downton Abbey so we have to catch up with the repeat tonight. I hate that it's just sucked me in. However, I have decided that we need a butler.

Erika (eusebius) – Sounds good, "my gentle approach to introducing running back into the repertoire is going well."

Debbie (Lexxiss) – Kudos for taking your planning seriously and resisting that diet soda.

Beverlyjoy – Yay for "Seems to be working."

FutureFitChick – Walking is just the greatest exercise ever.

Pam (pamaga) – Jealous of that fresh arugula from your garden. Ouch for the throat issue - hope you're able to resolve it with intentional relaxation.

maryann - "33 degrees" - I presume the college provides coats to California types, LOL.

Tazzy - Your 17 year old DS has good taste in pizza. Big Kudos for stopping in mid-slice - that's a tough one.

maplover – Ouch for the attack of Sabotaging Thoughts - they're real and can be felt. Hope you think of some Helpful Responses to ward them off.

Readers -

I read three more chapters in Beck the other night. I skip meals every night I'm off, so I'm used to that. And then that morning I did three chapters, made my new cards and all, I left my journal and stuff at my other job.

Even without all those things, I'm feeling confident about this week. I started the 100 push up challenge in hopes that I can eventually do a real push up. Maybe not this 7 week period but maybe after gaining strength, I can start with knee pushups after I "graduate" the challenge. *credit*

I've been eating well with a few extra things. I don't feel bad for the "cheats" as long as I don't do it every day. I weighed in officially and I'm at 257. That is my 5% goal. I was saving up for fire stuffs and now I can buy my new fire hoop and fire stuffs as a reward!

Hi Everyone!

Another pretty successful day yesterday. Weighed this morning, up .8 (that would be the black forest cake!) and not surprised. Read my cards, did my food plan, ate slowly. Did find myself eating a piece of that pizza standing at the fridge last night for no apparent reason. I was feeling a little hungry but could have easily ignored it. But moved on and let it go.

Have my first Zumba class tonight, really excited to get back there.

Daimere Congrats on 5%

BBE Credit for going back to the gym.

maplover Credit for the positive behaviours and recognizing that we do need to learn to say NO CHOICE at times, as hard as it may be.

pamatga Sorry to hear about the eating induced panic attacks. It must feel awful, I hope you can find a solution to help out.

gardenerjoy I'm not on Facebook but would be very upset if all my friends gave away a plot to a show before I had the opportunity to see it.

onebyone Yeah for memory foam and as BBE would say "ouch" for big starchy bagels. That was one food when I was on WW that I could not bring myself to eat, way too many points and at the time I only got 23. I remember once thinking I could pull out the soft dough in the centre and toast just the crust portion. I weighed it so I could be sure I had the right number of points and the bagel was a much higher weight than the bag said one serving was. So just to be sure I weighed each one in the bag and they were all over by at least 20 - 30 grams. I was mostly disappointed by the manufacturer (Dempsters) because the nutrional information was a lie and for those of us trying to do something on our weight it was like a slap in the face so they could sell their product. To this day I stil don't buy Dempsters products. Might only be one customer but you know the saying, one unhappy customer will talk about it a lot more than one happy customer!

Lexxiss Credit for saying NO CHOICE to diet soda. I'm trying to stay away from chemical sweetners as I think with me they just make my body think it wants that much more.

eusebius Good job with staying on plan.

maryann Credit for only eating the pie filling, I think crust is so overrated!

futurefitchick Good job with staying on plan and getting in your walking on campus. Remember the number on the scale is only information, not the best measure of success, only the most convenient.

Have a good day!

Hello All,
Lunch break from school. I had a late snack of PB and apple and think I'll call it lunch and go and work for three hours. Three set meals at a cafeteria seems like a lot to me. I skipped dinner last night and ate some instant oatmeal I brought and was rewarded with the scale down a pound. Still miss my boys but I just need to put my nose to the grin stone and march on.

FutureFitchick: I was with my family in Florida but now am by myself at grad school in Vermont. I miss them lots.
Eusebius: Credit for weightless and listening to your own bodies needs over a generic program. Although I do like aspects of Weight Watchers (It is my back up diet) I tend to manipulate points to justify cravings.
Lexxiss: Credit for standing strong against the Diet Drink. It isn't the drink but the thoughts behind the urge. Isn't that our ever present dilemma.
maplover: i understand completely the panic feelings. When I first started doing Beck, I had no idea had dependent i was to food to get through the day. It was a revelation to understand I WOULDN"T DIE if I didn't eat. I am thankful after these couple of years to understand I have the power to say "No."
BBE: Congrats on the gym. It will be good to hear the old gym stories again.
Daimere: congrats on the weightless. That is a big deal.

Wave to everyone else. I have got to finish a one page essay on insecurity. HMMMMM!

Hi Beckfolks - I am home from my trip to see my wonderful stepmom & accompany her to the surgeon's office. My cousin, Erica, came from out of town to go, also. My stepmom is going to have shoulder replacement surgery soon. (86 years old) Yikes.

I was able to stay with my crazy food plan while I was gone. I didn't even care what other's were eating until the chocolate muffins came out. I shouted at those satatoging thoughts and said No Choice. Credit. While I was away from home I wrote down everything I ate, drank alot of water, did some stretches, always left a bite and ate much slower. I am grateful for the willingness to do this.

Wednesday morning I am having a scan - it shows the function of my gallbladder/pancreas/liver etc. They shoot some liquid in my vein via IV. Hopefully, I'll get an answer. I am trying to be brave. (that stuff kind of gives me the creeps)

Thanks always, for being so supportive. You folks are awesome.

Just a note to say that I am giving myself major credit for not getting in the car and driving to the supermarket to get a bar of dark chocolate after dinner (it's good for you, you know). I thought I would die, but that lasted only about 20 mins. Yes! Beck is right!

Also today I ate my afternoon snack a bit earlier than I had planned (woke up at 1:30 am this morning and could not get back to sleep--sleep deprivation always make me hungry). Anyhooo it was difficult not to run to the snack machine, but I did not, and knowledge that I wasn't going to eat till I got home really did give me a great feeling (thanks, Beck!)

Oh and thank you all!

Evening coaches,

Scale went down again this morning … I think I am on the right track now. I made another small change - I had a big salad with a cup of beans on it for lunch yesterday and today. Fabulous - it held me all afternoon.

It was my first day back teaching this semester and it went fine, but I'm dead tired and must go to bed very soon. Yawn … I also gave my first meditation instruction this evening and I think that went all right as well. I won't be as nervous next time …

Debbie (Lexxiss) - great job with tracking and avoiding the diet soda!

FFC - thanks for asking about the recital work. I think it's coming along fine. Kudos to you for eating OP and exercise!

onebyone - nice work adjusting to your unexpected food plan change. Great that your presentation went so well! Your new foam topper sounds really lovely right now…zzz…

gardenerjoy - nice job adjusting to your change in plan!

Pam - sorry to hear about your panic attacks but kudos for being aware and making a plan. Glad to hear your group is doing so well.

maplover - I too find the hunger thing hard. For me I think it can be stress and emotional discomfort that I feel rather than hunger. I think my meditation practice is helping me with these aspects of my life but it's a long road

BillBE - Nice work getting back on track with food and exercise despite your body's wily tricks, LOL!

Daimere - Congrats on making your 5%!!

Tazzy - hope you enjoyed the Zumba this evening!

maryann - nice job on the weightless and eating OP!

Beverlyjoy - way to go on staying on plan and saying No Choice to the muffins!! I hope you receive some welcome information from your scan.

Have a great evening all,
Erika

I overate this afternoon and now I feel icky. Yuck! Why did I ever think this was a good way to live?

Stress, I guess. Some of it borrowed. I finally said "Why should someone else's stress make me fat?" It made me laugh because it's so much more mean-spirited than I normally think. But it also made me stop. I wish I'd had that thought about two hours earlier.

WI: +0.25kgs, Exercise:+20 410/1300 minutes for January, Food: 60%op, Read my Advantages and Responses: yes

Hi, Coaches and Buddies.

I tracked my food and am down .5 of the gain from yesterday. I chose to get a burger today for lunch, and should have skipped the fried stuff. Bummer. Oh, well. I'm going to make a plan for tomorrow. Exercise tomorrow will be walking on campus. I'm still taking a brake from the gym. I went last Friday and ended up in lots of back pain over the weekend (I thought I was better enough to avoid that).

BeverlyJoy, sending supportive thoughts for your family and your medical tests. Bumer about the muffins, but it sounds like you were really on top of everything else!

BillBlueEyes, so great ot hear you were in the gym and were on plan. I'm looking forward to hearing stories soon about racking weights in the proper order (which is really appreciated by others that notice such things).

Daimere, 100 pushup challenge sounds impressive. Great job getting through the Beck book.

Eusebius, meditation instruction sounds awesome. Glad you made it through the entire day of teaching. I've never understood how teachers can make it through lesson after lesson after lesson like that!a

GardenerJoy, is that 9th St Abbey? I've been there a few times. I used to live at 10th and Shenandoah. I miss Soulard! Glad to hear your don't have to deal with tummy issues much! Hope things calm down for you to get back to your routine tomorrow!

Maplover, I don't know if anyone else has brought this up, but have you looked at how you spread your calories out throughout the day? I'm wondering if you are getting enough energy at lunch/early afternoon which would through me off track. (Not that this really addresses your comments from today, it just popped in my head.) Sending your support as you work through discerning hunger. It is tough for me, as I have spent years ignoring hunger/full. Also, I'm so glad you didn't die!

Maryann, how tough being away from your family! Sending comforting thoughts and wishing you the best in managing with the cafeteria food. I never found it particularly good, but never had a grasp on hunger/full at that point either.

OnebyOne, great job for sticking with your points for the day.

PamatGA, your comment about struggeling with eating reminds me of when you overchew a food, trying to eat slowly. It just turns in to yuck in your mouth. Sending supportive thoughts after your difficult dinner out.

OnebyOne, great job for sticking with your points for the day.

Tazzy, thanks for the reminder about the usefulness of the scale as a tool. Hope Zumba was fabulous!

I am new to this - never did it before. I am trying hard on the Beck program & I had a diet buddy who quit and now I'm going it alone. I hope this forum can be my diet buddy.

Hi Coaches

I wasn't going to post tonight but thought better of it after reading maplover and pamatga's posts. I want to say first of all that I wish you both well. It really sucks to feel fear around food. Just remember that "feeling are not facts" and you can move forward and get through these emotional responses without over or under eating. You are both doing so great. Really.

Both of your experiences with anxiety, stress, and food all serve to remind me that this "losing weight" business and all the "it's just calories in and calories out" simplistic advice for "the obese" out there is just plain off the mark. There is so much more involved.

I have learned that I also have deep issues around food and eating, including feeling empty and panicking over how little/how much/what kind/what time/it is enough all the while wondering if I have it in me to do this thing. I have come to conclude that in some ways, actually in most ways, it doesn't matter.
I'll tell you why.
I have been on the other side of massive fear and panic and anxiety. The only way to get past that stuff is to go through it. And you don't go through it "when you're ready" or you don't consciously invite a situation into your life when you think you can handle it and then you handle it. No, you face the fear when it comes. Why does it come and from where? Who knows. Part of me thinks it comes when I am strong enough to deal with it. Other sides of me think it just gets triggered - it's a gut reaction. I may never know.

And so what? I don't need to know everything to have a happy healthy life.

What I DO need to know, remember, and believe is I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. I can. I have. I did. I am smart enough to figure out how to cope. I am intelligent enough to know I don't know everything and may need some help to deal with stuff ( coaches!). But these challenges always seem to come at me when I have tripped something subconsciously. I firmly believe and have seen that for me, there are certain weights that have huge emotional triggers attached to them. I am not sure what the weights are, let alone the issues attached to them. I kind of sort of have a hunch, but I can't really prepare in advance cause I am not there yet. I'll know I'm there when I too have some big emotional response that will force me to remember I will get through this and it will be ok just keep moving through it! Don't stop cause it ain't going away.

The reward for this bravery is that everytime I face a fear, everytime I deal with it, everytime I find a way to cope--and now cope to the best of my ability without turning to food, or without turning to as much food as I would have in the past is a HUGE VICTORY for me.

I just wanted to say that I know that "losing weight" is not just calories in/calories out. It's the Whole Person doing the work, not just the biological functions. *I* am more than my metabolism. We all are.

Better hit the hay. I'm tuckered out. Peace to all.