I hate the fact that I've wasted so much of the wonderful life that I have been given. I have wasted so much time and energy over this...the hours spent agonizing over my binges, the parties that I could have (SHOULD HAVE) gone to, the time I refused a free vacation so I wouldn't have to wear a swimsuit, the many nights I chose to eat rather than snuggle down in bed with my hubby. I feel like I am turning my back on all of the gifts I have been given.

I hate that I have no self control and I want more before I have even finished eating what I have in front of me. I hate the fact that I know the food in front of me will not satisfy me and once I have literally no more room in my stomach, I feel terrible, even though I STILL want more.

I hated the lying and the hiding.

I would lie to myself about the damage I was doing to my body. I would lie to my loved one's about it. I'd hide all the binge evidence and was paranoid that the garbage men would find out my dirty little secret.

I'd be going to dinner with friends but stop and eat a double cheeseburger first and then I'd tell them at dinner that I didn't eat all day and was starving! Because this gave me an open window to eat as much as I wanted at dinner. And believe me, I did.

I'd even lie to the grocery store clerk about having a houseful of kids which is why I needed all those chips, dips and icecream.

I lied so much I started believing the lies myself.

[QUOTE=tigerchild;4114755]I hate knowing how much time I have wasted because of my binges (all of mine have been isolating/secretive).

All the planning, hoarding, eating, ect.--all that time I could have spent being with people I loved or doing more productive things instead of running away from it all an anesthetizing myself.QUOTE]

tigerchild: Its like you read my mind! I really hate the fact how much time I waste with all the planning, hoarding and eating and all the time after recovering from binges. For instance, next day I always feel and look horrible with stomach cramps and bags under my eyes and I am grumpy and depressed. I never allow others to see me the day after binge period, because I am just the worst person to be around feeling depressed and sad about my behaviour.

I really hate how much time I waste binging. If I had a healthy relationship with food, I imagine myself sitting with my friends, enjoying a healthy meal together, chatting and laughing in a nice busy coffee shop, but instead here I am stuffing my face alone in a dark room, hiding all the paper wrapping in different places, so noone can see them and feeling miserable and lonely afterwards.

Damn, I hate it. I hate how everybody thinks I'm so virtuous and health-conscious, when really, I've binged my way to gaining 30 pounds.
They all think I'm the health-guru vegan who loves eating raw and working out. Yeah, I am, I guess. But I'm also a closet-binger who shoves spoon-fulls of peanut butter in her mouth, then spits most of it out (yeah, I chew and spit, also), follow it with a granola bar topped with almond butter... I feel like that's too much sweet foods, so I make my way to that pot of chili in the fridge, spoon it into my mouth until I've eaten about a bowl full. Then I feel gross, so I make it up by cleansing myself with a raw dinner and then fruit...

I hate losing control. I hate saying I will stop and then never do. I hate feeling tired all of the time because of the sugar and all the fat I eat. I hate being a little overweight (not that much) despite being an active, raw-enthusiast vegan. I wish I could be the person who others think I am.

Especially today. I made a couple desserts for Thanksgiving. I feel nauseas from all the sugar I've eaten. And now, tomorrow, I have to make mashed potatoes, turnips, candied yams, and a veggie dish. Then Thursday is Thanksgiving. Friday and Saturday, I'll be stuck at my aunt's and uncle's house, eating what is fed to me (God, I hope my uncle doesn't make another vegan lasagna!), so I won't be in control. Then, on Sunday, I'm going to my mom's cousing for some dinner where they want to make vegan dishes for me. Great, more food...

Sorry for the rant. I'm just so sick of this. I've been trying to lose the wieght I've gained for this whole year. I'm so sick of it.

Money wasted; weight gained; crappy moods....

Yup it sucks!

I hate the knowledge that I pretty much just ate my money. It probably would have had the same nutrition, been just as unsatisfying and just as shaming if I just at the dollar bills.

I also hate that I buy bulk. Instead of just buying a couple cookies from the bakery and a small bag of chips (which would be considered binging on my meal plan), I go an buy a box of cookies and a large bag of chips plus large bottles of soda with a few candy bars. I then eat until it repulses me. But I usually never eat all of it. So after the binge and the shame has passed and I decide to get back on track I now have this left over junk food tempting me. And because money is tight enough as it is I don't want to just toss what I spent on it. But I think what is worse is that I secretly keep it on hand because I know I'll binge again. Talk about faith in your own recovery.

The thing I can't stand the most is knowing my friends go home at the end of the day and eat like a normal human being. They think, "I'm hungry." so they go eat something and then it's all good. Once they're full they go do something else. I go home and think, "I wish I didn't eat so much, because now I'm not hungry for dinner. But I'll eat it anyway."