My confession...
So, I've been on my weight loss journey for a few months. I always thought I had a food addiction but after reading some of your messages and other binge eater information. I think I was a binge eater. For some reason, when I saw the word binge, I thought bulimia. However, I really think I was a binge eater.
I used to eat constantly all day. I wasn't hungry, I would just graze by the handful- all day. At times, it felt like I was on auto-pilot and would go from one product to another. The thing is I never ate "big" meals so I thought it wasn't really binging. For example, I've never eaten multiple burgers or a whole pizza or a pint of ice cream so I thought I was a bad eater- not an addictive or binge eater. However, I would eat half of a PB&J sandwich, then a fist full of cereal, then 5-10 crackers, then juice, then a few cookies and then stop. An hour later, I would have a few pretzels, a few more crackers, 1-2 more cookies, more cereal and a good bit of chips. This cycle would go on for hours.
Food was the first thing I thought of in the morning. I woke up each morning and thought "good, I can eat again." I would go to bed stuffed and would be angry if I woke up stuffed. I would sometimes have "a sour stomach" because I ate so much (usually sweets). I remember thinking I would go weeks without feeling "hungry." I ate when I was full and would be angry...literally disappointed...that I couldn't fit more in.
I hid my eating from people and would often wait and plan to eat when others weren't in the office or around me at home. I literally thought of ways to sneak more food on food days at work (I would sometimes make up excuses to go by the food area or hide the food under napkins or in my hand).
I guess in my mind, I wasn't binge eating because I didn't eat "a whole pizza." Also, I was never depressed and never really felt guilty. I know now that food was my source of pleasure. I wasn't depressed but I used food for fun. It was like an amusement park. I realized that I used food pleasure to replace the pleasure that I wasn't experiencing in other parts of my life. Again, it was like a fun hobby.
My last true binge was the night I ate until I was sprawled across the bed and physically ill. I mean vomiting. That night I must have eaten 20-30 "small" items for hours. I made a vow that I didn't want to feel like that again and that enough was enough.
Since then, I've gone down about 4 sizes and feel great. However, I felt the need to acknowledge that I think I was a binge eater. You may ask why this is important. Now I know what the scientific name of it is. Nothing is as powerless as feeling driven to eat. I really felt like this force was driving me to eat and I was almost helpless to stop it.
I now feel in control and am taking steps to move forward. My faith was really my saving grace. I know now what I am dealing with and what I am fighting against.
Just felt the need to share with my 3FC family to hope that someone understands.
