I'll start off by saying that I am 30 years old and that as sad as it sounds I've never been in relationship. Not even remotely close. This is probably mostly due to confidence issues and the feeling that I wouldn't want to be with someone as big as I am, so why would would anyone else? It's pretty awful, but it is what it is.
Anyways. Last year I moved to a new town to attend college. I'm pretty socially awkward but I did manage to make a small circle of really awesome friends who I honestly spend most of my time avoiding because I feel inadequate.
Anyhoo, among this circle of friends there is one man in particular whom I have grown pretty close with. He's the first male in my life who has never made me feel like less of a person for being over weight. He treats me just as well as he would any of his friends, values my opinions and comes to me for advice. As such, he and I have shared a lot of things with one another that aren't usually things that one would make common knowledge (like the fact that I've never had a relationship, which he didn't seem weirded out by). To put in plainly, we're buddies. Really good friends.
The thing is that over the course of the last few months I've been developing some particularly un-buddy like feelings for this person. It all came to a head last week when I decided to suck it up and just tell him. I've lost 45 pounds, I'm feeling a bit better about myself, so why not do something that I have been scared to do my entire life? He's confided in me, we spend a lot of time together and have a lot in common. He doesn't seem to be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. Those are signs, right?
Wrong. So wrong. I approached him and told him how I felt. I tried my best not to come across as desperate or lonely. I just gave him the truth. He turned me down, citing that he just wasn't interested in me like that. That stung, but fine. But he also said that part of it was because I'd never been in a relationship before. Being someones first everything isn't a responsibility that he feels like he can shoulder and that he 'remembers the unrealistic expectations that come with first relationships. it's not always flowers and sunshine.' No ****?
He all but called me emotionally immature. Now, he wasn't mean or condescending at all. Most of his reasoning was pretty rational and understanding and he did seem to genuinely care if he hurt my feelings and that he didn't want to change anything about our relationship, because I'm awesome (his words).
I'm not mad at him. Just mad in general. Is this always going to be the case? Is the fact that I've never been with a man going to scare them all away? I feel like my insecurities have dug me into this giant hole with no way to get out. How am I supposed to have a relationship if no one wants to be with me because I've never been in a relationship? I'm just feeling all of the things I try not be: desperate, frustrated and lonely.
Sorry for how long this turned out to be. I just needed to vent this somewhere because I am way, way, way too embarrassed to tell anyone I know.