Very interesting, provocative posts these last few days. I, like Lexxiss, had a strong emotional response to 4everlearning's report from Beck on (my summary) keeping to the task at hand. That, coupled with Michi702 post concerning her crisis of faith, forced me to think back on what has been successful in my life. I am sitting here here at 47 with some tremendous successes: a happy, loving intelligent son, a devoted hubby (married ten years) a 20 yr teaching service pen, a teacher of the year award from a few years back, 24 years of sobriety, lasting friendships for 30 yrs, on and on. When I was 23 years old, I weighed over 200 pounds, had been hospitalized for two suicide attempts, was a black out drinker, and had never been in a real relationship.

All of my success I can say has been finding help - programs, people, spiritual guidance with solid principles then taking what I could use and LEAVING THE REST. To some that might be a cop out but for me it is a triumph because it has been my PERFECTIONISM that has been my greatest excuse for paralysis. I thought I was lazy with no will power. What I was was frozen with fear at making a mistake.

So to Michi702 you don't have to believe everything Beck says. Ask your self one question: Does your life go better using Beck skills or not? If it does, then PRETEND you believe it all and get to the business of practicing them. That is what I do. I can always change my mind tomorrow.

Echoing Robin, Lexxiss and Valerie: I need to connect with people with real lives and struggles on this blog. If All I needed was principles, I'd read the book again. Is there a balance? Yes, I must carry the message not just the mess.

Pamatga and Tazzy: Pumpkin Banana smoothie: I frozen banana, 1/3 can of 15oz pumpkin. I put can in frig overnite, maybe 1/2 cup yogurt, pumpkin spice to taste, you can also put in 1/3 c. orange juice but I don't always. I even knew someone who put some avocado in but I haven't tried that. I put in 1 T. of brown sugar or sweetener with a little vanilla.

Beverleyjoy: do you make pumpkin pancakes for breakfast or just eat the pumpkin?

BBE: Can't get into the orchard to get your nuts. Still! better start hoarding the trail mix. There might be a scarcity.

Michi702 back as you are struggling with your "life issues". If it is any comfort I too have some "life issues" right now that are yucky too but I have really found a new release in my self-confidence by working on the areas of my life that I can do something about: namely, practicing these skills towards the end goal of losing weight, eating healthy and exercising. I do believe that the confidence that I am gaining in this one area of my life is beginning to spill over into other areas. For one thing, I am learning to be more patient. This current economic situation our country (world?) is in is horrible but if I can't find a job, etc at least I can work on something that makes me feel positive and look forward to the day when I awake.

My "take" on Dr. Beck's comments about how some of these online forums end up being nothing more than a "chat room" has shades of truth. I do think that there are a lot of people who have the best of intentions of losing weight but once they realize that they may have to do a complete 180 degrees, they start to back pedal and then they shut down regarding their food plans, etc. The one thing that I do like about the tone of the way the book is written is this is a "no nonsense" person who "tells it like it is". I hate it when these people who are pushing a specific program (on tv usually) chirp about how easy and fun their particular program is going to be (after you have dropped $120 for their set of dvds, book, etc). I know I have bought into those more than once.

Changing dysfunctional behavior of any kind is HARD WORK. I think Dr. Beck is just being very honest about that. She keeps reminding people in the pink book about how much better their lives will be when they are thinner, healthier, less "neurotic" about food and weight, etc. I have been through several different therapies in the past twenty years. Who I am today is a result of a lot of hard work, sometimes very painful emotional work, going back to square one and starting all over again, etc. I sometimes feel like when I die I want it to read on my tombstone everything that I overcame to become the much happier, healthier person that I am. I just might need a bigger tombstone.

I have been around long enough in these online diet groups to know that there are 100 people who all want to be: a normal weight, wear their favorite pair of jeans, and think that will change the rest of their lives "forever". Okay, believe that fallacy. Then there are maybe 50 who really try their best but don't often see the connection between their "fantasy" and reality so eventually they stop "trying". The remaining 10 people are the ones who will get there eventually but half of them will allow their old ways to slowly creep back in and they regain all their lost weight. The standing 5 people are the ones who "won the battle but continue to fight the war".

I have been in each one of the groups except the last two. I want to be in the last one. I used to want to do it "my way" (fat people are also very block-headed too) until I realized that "my way" wasn't working at all. Well, I have "seen the light" and I do realize that I do need to draw that line, I do need to make that decision (sometimes once, sometimes over and over) to have a certain food or meal and whether it will support my weight lose goals, to "sit" with wanting to eat but not really hungry, to exercise even when I may not "feel like it", learning to put my needs first before others, etc. All of that conscious decision making takes concentration, focus, thinking before acting and making decisions you can live with the next day when you step on the scale.

You could take all of these skills and apply them to getting your finances in order, getting through school with good grades or even having a good relationship with your significant other (including your lap cat). It really is about creating a reality that expresses who we want to be. There were times when I was going through sexual abuse therapy where I literally thought I was going to die from exhuming the emotional pain that I had to bring up in order to heal.

One of my sabotaging thoughts that sprang up almost immediately as I was going through the pink book was the fact that I had been afraid to lose weight because of becoming "sexually desirable" again. I don't think this was even covered in either of the Beck books but for a sexual abuse survivor this is something that can and does hold us back.

I have a very good friend that I met on another diet site that once I started probing about some of her continued food choices even though she has diabetes and I am pre-diabetic, she shut down about talking about her food plan. At first, I thought she was mad at me for continuing to discuss openly about my efforts and then asking about hers but Val Dr. Beck never loses that therapeutic stance that the point is we are here for the primary reason of assisting others who are needing to lose weight. The bonding is just the bonus part of that.

I have been in group therapy before for sexual abuse. After a period of time, the eight of us women would go out to dinner afterwards. When my therapist found out, she had a fit!! It is a standard rule in group therapy that you do not co-mingle with others outside the walls of the therapy session. I later found out why she was upset about that when I had one of the women make a pass at me and another got "really weird" one night, which both situations really freaked me out at the time. My guess is that Dr. Beck feels the same way. We are here for one reason and that is to assist one another with our practicing of these Beck skills.

My question is this: moving forward, we would like to make some "rules" about what we should/shouldn't discuss. Should we create a format that we report in every day? I do that on other threads on another site. Of course, I also do add some "personals" since I have come to learn more about you as people and I sincerely do care that we all nail this down good and tight so we are "winners" at losing all the way around. I want everyone to be happy and thin. However, I realize that it doesn't depend on what I want for you but what you are willing to do for yourself. The best that I can offer is my support.

As for the response cards not meeting your needs, Michi, I made up one that I didn't see in either of the books. As I said I am a sexual abuse survivor. I know that I gained over 100 lbs simply because I wanted to build a wall around my body so no one would touch me. I had two previous marriages where I could not be intimate with them and so they failed. I am currently married to a man who is so patient and kind with me regarding intimacy just in general. We have a very loving relationship that just gets better as I get better emotionally.

My biggest challenge for me is getting a figure that is "sexually desirable". I equated being big and strong (I liked to lift heavy weights at one time) as keeping the wolves at bay, thinking it was all about being sexy and beautiful. Then, finally all the statistical information I had heard over the years about sexual abuse not being about sex but about power on the predator's part sunk in. Instead of being big and physically strong, I really needed to learn to be emotionally strong because that was the real reason why I was a "target". It never had anything to do with size. It had to do with being vulnerable emotionally. Predators know their victims. I have heard sexual abusers, rapists and even murderers mention how they looked for certain personality traits that are easy pickings.

The second epiphany I had this summer was when I wore a dress that showed how curvy I am. I had a religious man of the cloth touch my arm stroking my shrug I was wearing. I just died inside for a moment. It was at the moment, as sick as I felt about being touched by someone other than my husband, that I was not going to allow myself to be victimized by my own fears, feelings or thoughts; certainly not to the point of remaining morbidly obese which has made me feel miserable and physically ill for close to 30 years.

I haven't got it all figured out how I am going to deal with these unwanted "touches" in the future but I know that I am not going to allow that sabotaging thought keep me from being the weight I was created to be. I am done being a victim of others or myself.

Again, thanks Val and Robin for opening up the discussion regarding all of this. If we all want to agree on structuring our group discussion so we are highlighting certain Beck skills, etc. I am all for it. However way everyone wants to do this is fine with me. Some of the skills I never really had problems with and some the books (like the one I mentioned) were never touched on but it doesn't mean the basis of correcting our thoughts then behavior so we can achieve permanent weight lose isn't valid and doesn't work. It does work and that is why I am here.

Stats for 10/5:
****1907 calories 36 g fiber 3450 mg sodium
**walked 3600 steps 2-10 min sessions on treadmill at 1.6 mph
***F/V: whole tomato, v-8 juice, dried cranberries, whole apple, raw carrots, 4-bean southwestern chili

My challenge this coming weekend is twofold: I have a weigh in for a Buddy Challenge on Monday where I am the front leader by .6 lb and I would like to win this. Also, in the past when my husband went away for a weekend, I used the "home alone" scenario to fill it with "old friends" like Hardees, Wendys, Papa Johns, etc.

This weekend I want it to be different. Time to bring out the "big guns" and that includes my ARC cards.

Pam

First, my good news: just got a call from my surgeon's office with the preliminary pathology report, and there was NO malignancy in the tissue they removed. They are going to do additional staining to better pinpoint the nature of the precancerous cells, but I am hopeful that I will not need any additional treatment at this time. Breathing a BIG sigh of relifef. That being said, let me reiterate Beverlyjoy's helpful reminder to check out those "girls" annually!

my report: My weight was down .4 this morning, but still higher than it's been in several weeks. I took my bandage off for this first time this morning to take a shower and can see that my breast is hugely swollen, so maybe that's where a little bit of the extra weight is coming from! I stuck to my 1200 calorie plan yesterday, did not get any exercise (but am not supposed to), ate slowly and mindfully, tolerated some hunger, read my cards, contacted my diet buddy, saved a bite of everything for my kitty.

Michi702, I see that Val has already done an excellent job of explaining exactly what I was going to try to explain to you about the "all-or-nothing" quality you see in Beck's program. I agree with you that her program IS a lot of work, so much so that it has occasionally left me feeling that I have gone as overboard with my "recovery" from overeating as I ever was with overeating itself. (And I will add that I recently was dumped by my former BFF, in an irrevocably hurtful way, because she thinks I have become obsessive about my dieting and exercise habits, and she liked the old me, her compulsive eating buddy, better.) So I have given a lot of thought to this issue lately. And I have come to the conclusion that maybe I was a little too gung-ho about it all, or at least too open and vocal about it with my non-dieting friends (virtually all of whom are obese, by the way). But that is exactly what I needed to do at the time. EXACTLY what I needed to do, so I can't regret it for a moment. With time, I am discovering which tasks I can ease off on and which ones are the really critical ones that will help me maintain my weight loss forever, and that's the way it should be. After all, it would be just a tad too ironic if we all adopted an extreme all-or-nothing attitude about this program when that all-or-nothing thought pattern is precisely what got most of us into trouble in the first place, and considering that the GOAL of ALL forms of cognitive-behavioral therapy is to BREAK the pattern of all-or-nothing thinking that leads to so much irrationality and so much behavioral seesawing between perfect control and complete loss of control!

FutureFitChick, I think we all can say we've wasted YEARS of "tomorrows" while planning to diet but never actually doing it. And you are right, it would be a huge challenge to design the type of research that would be required to obtain strong empirical verification of the efficacy of Beck's strategies under scientifically controlled conditions. So we will have to do our own "experimentation" and see what really works for each of us individually. Have a wonderful vacation. Sounds like you are formulating some reasonable plans to limit your eating on your trip. Just think about how good you will feel if you come home knowing that you exercised your resistance muscle!

BillBlueEyes, may I steal your words for a response card? I love your reminder that "I have a plan, I have goals, and I have strategies." And good luck discovering that rogue scale!

Lexxiss, like Val said, I am sure Beck did not mean that we should not share the events of our lives with each other. It is much easier to be an effective diet coach when you know the unique issues and challenges each dieter faces. And, like you, I think of this kind of forum as a source of much-appreciated friendship as well as task-specific support. I am so glad that this type of online forum exists. Like you said, we are all surrounded by people who "want" to lose weight; just about everyone does, and the dieting industry thrives on and profits greatly from that ubiquitous desire! But it is really hard to find a group of people who are truly committed to making that desire a reality AND to providing helpful support to others who are equally committed. With all that you are going through with your mom, I'm really glad you have this group of like-minded others to help alleviate your feeling of isolation.

OK, back to the couch again for me. I am still very sore and tired. But so relieved and happy! Now I can actually celebrate my birthday!

Robin

Hi .. yesterday was a healthy day. I am always grateful for that. I am grateful for the willingness to keep trying.

I accomplished many of my goals: planned/measured/logged food, meditations, lots of water, stretches & strengthening, weighed, and mammogram, etc.
I weighed this morning - down two

today:
breakfast - one piece soy bacon, pnb toast, pumpkin with sfs, cinn
snack - roasted green beans
lunch - Italian stewed tomatoes on baked potato, parm cheese, grapes
snack - cereal, milk, strawberries
dinner - tuna salad, tossed salad with evoo/vinegar, rice cakes
snack - pnb on rice cake, swiss cheese
lots of water
stretches & strengthening
plan/measure/log food
journal
readings
Meditations
Fork down, no seconds, leave a bite, eat seated only
No choice/red light

Maryann - I eat my pumpkin as a warm side dish - ½ cup pumpkin (not pie filling), 1t. Smart Balance Margarine, cinnamon, sugar free maple syrup. (sometimes real maple syrup). Salt (I used to include salt) I like it because it’s tasty & two vegetable exchanges.

I will try to get back later. Much to do.

Thanks, as always, for your support, wisdom and listening ear.

Hi Everyone

Pretty good day today, I got a couple of good nights sleep and seemed to have kicked that cold right out of my system. Maybe Zumba sweated it away before it could take hold! My eating has been OP and I've been tracking, leaving a bite, eating slowly (although that was never an issue for me, I'm always the last one to finish eating no matter where I'm at), tried today to be more mindful of eating, weighed (up but due to TOM) and am going to work out after I finish this post.

Reading through all the comments about the program and the extent of it I realized that one thing I had not done was finish the task on day 41 and the future to-do-list. I was going to make smaller copies of the to-do-list on page 265 of the pink book so they would fit into my diet journal and I would not have to re-write it everyday. Well today is day 63 of me on the program and this morning, after reading a few posts, I got up from my desk and went straight to the photocopier to get them done. I now have 35 days worth of copies and have added 7 days worth to my book. In reading over the list I realize that if I do read it every morning at the same time as my ARC it will give me some really good reminders on tasks to remember. I need to commit to doing the program if I expect it to succeed. I had a really good conversation with a good friend today and was reminded of the quote "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That's where I was slipping back to in thinking I could work the program without actually following the tasks. So credit to me for realizing this and making changes.

maryann Thanks for the smoothie recipe. I'll have to get some canned pumpkin and try it this weekend. It's Thanksgiving in Canada and will be a nice treat. My parents will be here for a couple days and I know my mom will enjoy it.

4EverLearning Great news on your test results.

pamatga Good luck on your buddy challenge, you have it in you to succeed and win the race! Remember your goal when your "old friends" Wendy and Papa John want to come calling.

hi to everyone out there. Time to head upstairs and dust off that Wii Fit game.

Diet Coaches/Buddies - Just waving. I'm headed off to a three day weekend with lots of chances for wandering off plan at airports, restaurants, hotel breakfast bars, and whatever. I have a plan that includes some leeway since I'll be with a bunch of old, old friends. I'm working on the notions that celebration doesn't need to include every appetizer offered and that long dawdling meals can happen with after dinner coffee instead of dessert trays.

Have a great weekend you guys; I'll be back to post on Monday.

Wow, am I really the first one in here this morning?

report: didn't read my cards, weighed (up 1), ate slowly and mindfully and left a bite, almost missed my class again this morning because I'd set my alarm wrong but I woke up just in time to dress and still have time to walk, which I did NOT give myself a choice about doing. Contacted my diet buddy.

maryann -- I think you are spot on about taking what you can use and leaving the rest. No complex help program can possibly guarantee that EVERY STEP is equally important to ultimate success.

pamatga -- I so agree that we can take these skills to other parts of our life. Recognizing our sabotaging thoughts and coming up with helpful responses ahead of time can help us succeed in anything.

Robin -- Hooray on the pathology report! And great insight on whether those of us who tend to be all-or-nothing thinkers might find ourselves having to fight the tendency to the we have to be all-or-nothing on Beck's program! LOL!

Beverlyjoy -- Yay for accomplishing so many goals, and for being down 2 pounds!

Tazzy -- Wow, I wish I was a naturally slow eater! I think I'm going to try to be the last one finished as well as leaving a bite of everything!

BBE -- Love that notion that long dawdling meals can happen with after dinner coffee instead of dessert trays.

Good Morning, Coaches,

Eating still not completely OP. Wandered into frosted animal cookies at the meeting last nite. They used to be like crack to me. Now it is just annoying. Oh Well. Back OP. Scale down .2 Go Figure. Read ARC cards. Told the truth. Listened to my kid. Ate sitting down. lots of good and it is only 8 am. Off to Tahoe with another family. I am planning on making and baking several things to keep OP and save money. Exercise will be hiking the beautiful Rubicon Trail alongside the lake - 6.5 mile.
BBE: Enjoy your time with friends.
Valerie: credit for making it to your class. My yoga is at 10 am.
Tazzy:Enjoy your folks and the smoothies.
Everyone else: Have a great weekend.

GD everyone!

I am going to begin "reporting" the Beck skills I am working on. I started doing that when I first came here last winter and then I just fell away from that. After I posted yesterday, I wondered if I had given the impression that I wasn't working on specific Beck skills because the truth is I am. With so many new faces here in the past couple of months, you may or may not be aware of what specific areas I needed to work on and what I was doing to remedy that.

Having said that, I want you to know that I am not going to "report" the skills I have already mastered or were never a problem for me even before choosing to use Beck skills with my present food plan. So, if I don't mention something like eating mindfully or eating slowly, it is because I either never really had a problem with that or I "mastered" that almost immediately as I worked through the book.

Gardenerjoy and I were working through each day at the same time last spring and I used to post about that particular day but since I have finished the book, I haven't done that. From now on, I will share with you what I am doing in regards to the Beck skills I still need to master.

Skills I am working on:

1) reading my cards. It only took me reading them about 3-4 days after reading the book through before I had my 1 1/2" thick stash of recipe cards memorized. However, since that is key to the auto-suggestion part of this program, I have decided that I am going through my cards (began last night) and those I have mastered, I am tossing and the rest I am going to read daily. My end goal is to have no cards to read. Then, I will consider myself to be fully indoctrinated in this program.
2)eating within a specific calorie range so I can facilitate consistent and steady weight lose. Hence, the reason behind me joining these Buddy Challenges over on Biggest Loser Club site. The Challenges have so many built in reporting for accountability that I keep it pretty simple here. Let it be known though I log everything I eat daily, I have a "clean" kitchen and I cook according to my food plan (organic when possible, no white anything, no added sugar, whole not processed). I just need to eat less food.
3) which leads into the next skill I am working on: when I have eaten the designated calories for the day, the kitchen is closed. "Hunger is not an emergency" is almost tattooed on my forehead at this point. I have already accepted that I have to sit with feeling empty and be okay with that. I am accustomed to accepting the miseries of life well so the "unfairness" syndrome that Dr. Beck speaks in her book, I had no problem with. Of course, this sucks but I want to lose weight so I will tolerate it. No ifs, ands or buts.
4)Pre-planning and planning meals and snacks. I am tweaking what this means exactly for me and how I can remain somewhat flexible but not so flexible that I set myself up for failure. This is a "work in progress"
5)Mastering the 7 Question Technique (in pink book)

In the interest of not making this a Moby Dick version of what I am doing, I will stop there. I feel blessed that I am a naturally slow eater. I have shared with this group before how I have had restaurant managers come over and ask me if the food is okay. I always tell "No, I am just a slow eater." Thanks to my working a 12 Step program, my emotional eating is almost a thing of the past. Now, I rarely think about "fixing life's sticky problems" with extra food. I feel grateful for that skill learned.

The single most effective way I have learned to deal with accumulating stress is physical exercise. Besides, the obvious reasons of working out so as to be healthier and more fit, it is a great way of "burning off the blues". Life just looks better after I have sweated some. The second habit I have in dealing with stressful situations is to access the situation, determine what I can do about it then I do it. My husband says he admires this strength of mine. It sure reduces the amount of time I spend worrying about something. I would say that skill falls under the "problem solving" and "Oh well" categories.

Five months ago, I had to work on the "Believing I Can Do This" part of this program. I had to overcome the despondency I felt from previous attempts and failure to lose weight. However, once I used these "cognitive" strategies coupled with finding a physical program that addressed my chronic pain (I have advanced arthritis) so I could actually fall asleep and then stay asleep through most of the night, got on a pain management routine with pain meds that assisted me in pursuing one of my first loves: exercising, then I knew I could follow through on the rest of this.

I will add that having worked this "CT" program for nearly 6 months now, I am feeling more confident that I will lose the remainder of my weight and keep it off for the rest of life. That sounds like a bold and sweeping statement but I honestly in my core of being, believe this to be true!

My personal "challenge" this coming weekend is not to use food as a "buddy" during the 36 hours of "home alone" time I will have. I will report on Monday how things went.

Stats for 10/6:
***2204 calories 36 g fiber 2685 mg sodium
***walked 3300 steps 2-10 min on treadmill
**F/V: whole apple, dried cranberries, raisins, v-8 juice, tomato, green peppers, onions, 5-bean casserole
**I had a 20 oz bottle of Coke with the pizza I ate last night. That is the first breach from my "No Sugar Added" rule.

P.S. Since pizza is my Kryptonite, I did damage control from the minute I ordered it. I got the thin crust, all vegetables, lite cheese and lite sauce. I calculated how much I could eat to stay within my food plan and immediately put it away in the refrigerator, where it is now. I do "allow" myself "one Coca-Cola" when I eat either pizza or burgers and fries (which is occcasionally) simply because I feel Coke complements those foods much like a good chianti complements a good steak.

Robin Wonderful news on the lab report. Glad to hear you are healthy!!

Pam

Hello

Yesterday didn't go so well (unplanned snacking) after delving into some emotional family stuff. This morning I weighed, had my planned breakfast, confirmed my food intake for the rest of the day, then came up with a planned distraction. I am painting my living room. I've wanted to for a long time but am always doing someone elses' projects. It's been great as I've spent alot of time talking with my sibling, trying to assist with the ongoing situation, but it's been on my bluetooth with a paintbrush in hand. I won't finish tonight but need to keep going as long as I have

Oh, Pam(atga), was someone supposed to inquire about your painting project at some point?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Hi Becksters.... a really busy couple of days. Just checking in to say that I have been doing well on my plan and many of my goals.

I got myself a gold bracelet to wear to remind me to give myself credit. It is so easy to lick the spoon when cooking... I am really working on that. Thursday - I had many successes with this.

I'll check in again tomorrow.

I weighed today and was down another pound... seems like my weight gain from when company came to visit - is coming off. I am grateful.

Evening everyone,

After a crazy week at work I am now home relaxing and enjoying it. Had a good day today, weighed (down .6), had food plan, ate seated and mindfully, ate to normal fullness, resisted a second piece of pizza at dinner with distractions and am now feeling very comfortable. Also did not want to use the calories for it when I may choose a healthy snack later.

This morning I decided to plan to walk home from the train after work. My DH was coming home earlier and I volunteered to do the train ride today. When I got to the station I had 3 choices; 1 - call DH for a ride, 2- wait 10 minutes for the community bus and walk 10 minutes home or 3 - walk home from the station. I'm happy to say that I considered the other two and thought things won't change if I don't make some changes so I turned up the music on my Ipod and starting walking. The bus went by me half way home but that was just fine. I got in a really good 35 minute brisk walk.

Looking forward to a nice, quiet 3 day weekend and hoping to get out on my bike a couple more times plus have Zumba again on Sunday. Have a great weekend everyone and Happy Thanksgiving to those in Canada.

Happy Weekend everyone

For those Canadians who observe Thanksgiving save the drumstick for me and a piece of pumpkin pie. Yum. Yum.

Hey Tazz Great Job with all you are doing! Isn't that a neat feeling when you decide something really good for yourself at the last minute? Give yourself a big

Lexxiss You, my dear, have a very good memory. I had asked Mr. Bill if he would remind me but I think he has his own projects to keep track of. I agree it IS time to work on our projects.

I have spent the past 36 hours getting my DH ready to go to his men's retreat. I knew he was working and running all over the city of Atlanta with his job and it was one less stressor he had to deal with. I drove him to the site in the dark very early this morning and I was clutching the steering wheel all the way back since I was in an unfamiliar area with lots of trees to obscure any visible signage I might recognize. I gave him my hooded sweatshirt to wear when he gets up for 5 a.m. prayers tomorrow since it has turned quite chilly and I am sure the church's furnace is not programmed to turn on this time of year, no matter what the thermostat might say.

Well, as I said yesterday, for the new ones here, I will try to be more specific about which Beck skills I am currently working on since I don't want to give the impression that I am just showing up for the chit chat. Again, my end goal is to tear up the response cards with the Beck skills I have down pat until I end up with nothing to read except maybe my palm (yours?)

Beck skills I am currently working on:

1) Pre-planning my meals. I still am one of those people who fly by the seat of their pants but I am trying to hit the basics through out the day so I meet all of my nutritional needs, space out my calories (the hardest for me) and drink plenty of h2O. My latest "Food Challenge" over on BLC is really helping me to stay focused on just that one task.
2) New Rule as of yesterday: when I am feeling uninspired to exercise, I am going to "draw a line" where I have to at least walk 2-10 minute sessions on the treadmill. No if, ands or buts.
3)This whole past week has been about learning to sit with feeling hunger and not doing anything about it.
4) defining full. I even managed to be "normal" full this past week eating pizza. Now, that is a huge step for me! It is still in my refrigerator too two days later.
5)Eating within my recommended calorie range. Again, this ties in with sitting with hunger and not eating because of that. This is another one that is a HUGE deal for me because I hate to eat less. My self-will wants to eat more especially food I really love (like pizza) so this will probably take longer to really nail this one.

Right now, I am sitting here reading HALF the amount of cards that I used to! I consider that proof that I am not only following this CT but that it is rooted in both my thinking and behavior as well.

Stats for 10/7:
**1864 calories 32 g fiber 2058 mg sodium
**drank 64 oz H2O purposely (first time in long time!)
***4300 steps 2-10 min sessions on treadmill
***F/V: whole apple, whole banana, o.j., watermelon, (2) green beans, 1 bean curd(taste like scrambled eggs), 1 broccoli, 1 tomato and 2 spinach.
***Decided on new "Rule" with myself: when I am tired and feeling lazy about exercise I will draw a line and do at least 2-10 minutes sessions on the treadmill---no ifs, ands, or buts!
***"rewarded" with 2 lbs lose on scales and lower sodium (got to be the water)

Happy Saturday, Beckies... yesterday was a healthy day - I am always grateful for that.

We had dinner out last night with our neighbor's who are moving to Idaho today. It's been teary. I will miss them. Alexandra was my 'roadie' for two summers. Blake 'created' and always looked forward to the Dancing with the Stars 'kickoff party'. They all were kind, thoughtful, fun neighbors. I am grateful that he got this good job.

Dinner was at a restaurant where there isn't much that isn't salty or 'lightish'. (their pick) I was willing to ask the waitress about a particular dish and how I could change it to be more healthy. She said in the next breath... we can order it light oil and no salt. It pays for having the willingness to ask for what you want. As Dr. Beck says - the waitstaff hear requests all the time. I am grateful I stayed on plan at dinner.

Yesterday, my friend LeighAnne, came over to help in the garden. It was lots of moving around for sure.

I accomplished many of my goals.
plan/measure/log
arc/rc
weigh - down
lots of water
exercise
spontaneous exercise (don't faint) gardening and using stairs extra times
meditations - twice (this helps when I am willing to do it)
my new bracelett did actually remind my to think 'credit' & smile

Today is hanging out with DH day. I love college football.. so we'll try and get all the major Saturday chores done before noon. Put out the trap for that darn groundhog.

I will aim to come back for personals when watching the games.

Hello Coaches

I gave up just around Sept 26th, as I was driving to Ottawa to see my mom and my sister, who was visiting from Florida for my mother's birthday. The two of us stayed in separate model suites at the retirement residence where my mom lives. My mother, who has alzheimer's, was in good shape but on the day of her birthday, she was constantly surprised that it was her birthday. As with all visits to my mom, I was dealing with family & family members who choose to be absent & others who are estranged & the others who we wish were still around. All these characters inhabited my visit to my mom. I thought it would get easier to go back and visit. Instead it's getting tougher.

I'm back home now, and it's almost 2 weeks later. I have had little to no desire to do the work to "lose weight" or "get healthy" or "get back on plan". I certainly do not want to accept that I need to lose weight slowly, or exercise, or eat less. I am in a full on rebellion. I am still fighting a losing battle, and have not admitted that this battle is going to kill me before I kill it.

How dumb is that?
Dumb.

I have plenty of distractions as it's full on selling-my-art-making-things season: studio tours happening, guild shows happening, applications to xmas craft shows, planning/daydreaming about my Florida residency in February, planning/researching my next big move after that, striving to make solid connections and some friends here in my new town.

But I have to say, I got jolted back into my body (all these distractions serve to remove me from the condition of my body) by a very simple thing. I was participating in a raku firing in the parking lot of the potters' guild early this week. The kiln is outside and you get your piece of pottery, coat it with a glaze and place it into the kiln for firing. The kiln gets to 1000F and you open the door and quickly go back and forth to the kiln, large unwieldy iron tongs in hand, picking up your hot hot ceramic thing and then carrying and dropping it into a pit in the ground or a metal bucket lined with sawdust and shredded paper. Lots of smoke. Lots of fire. Very hot. It's required that we wear our jeans and long sleeved shirts, nothing polyester, as a spark can catch on us and poof-not good. So, you guessed it, I located the jeans which I haven't worn in months and months. I hated these jeans to begin with (they were too short) and now the zipper just-does-up. I had to undo them to drive over to the raku firing. I even undid them when no one was looking. Now I have to buy new jeans one size larger (a 22?) presto-chango I am jolted back into my body and into my reality of whattheheckamIdoing???!!

I can't tell you how many "revelations" like this I have had. I fear I won't make a change until some doctor tells me something horrific. I wonder why I am, seemingly, so self-destructive and not more self-protective?

I also did not take advantage of a real opportunity to promote myself and my artwork. I know that as an artist I am my work... people see it and see me too behind it. I need to jump on the opportunities offered to me and I turned one down that I really wanted to do, would love to have done, should have done, would have been great at... because I felt I would be udged for how I look... I had a chance to be on local tv. I just ignored the email request and 2 days later said yes and it was too late. Others filled the time. I did that--limited myself because of my weight. I don't usually do that. I can't tolerate that behaviour. It can't happen again.

So, now I'm here catching up, and as I read some of the posts and see the weight-loss and health successes of those who've been around here as long as me, I think a very small thought... maybe that can be me too. Honestly, I don't really believe it so, like pamataga wrote a few days ago, I guess I have to start at the Believe It Beck dictum. I do know there is some part that knows the answer is here.... somewhere... with you guys. My Beck books are still packed away in a box. I'm going to start looking for them

Bye.

--weighed in yesterday for an official weight of 283.4. Have maintained over my two weeks of gving-up it seems. Did not weigh-in this morning.
--recording my food today DONE
--will plan a walk for 5 minutes DONE
--no seconds at MIL for Thanksgiving meal. Will be aware of her food-pusher personality during our visit this afternoon. DONE
--LONGER TERM GOAL: a birthday challenge of 5 min of planned activity everyday until my birthday Nov 4th.

UPDATE: had two unplanned bits of food - both forays into a bit of extra ham taken and eaten quickly, in secret, both reactions to stress and tension and both questioned and stopped. Otherwise, on plan.