Hi—
I am pretty new to message boards so if I’m doing anything wrong—please feel free to point that out to me. =)
I’ve been reading around on this board for awhile and I think it’s a really neat idea. Good for all of you here! =)
Is anyone willing to discuss some emotional aspects of dealing with weight loss? I think I would find it helpful to hear stories from other folks about coping psychologically with losing weight—and perhaps get some advise on dealing with my own issues.
Here is what I am working on getting past. I am 27 and for the last several years I have realized that I’m perhaps emotionally and psychologically stunted in coping with my physical appearance...nothing special...just not sure how to go about moving forward. I don’t mean to whine—but I don’t really have anyone to relate this to.
From early childhood into my early 20s—I’ve always been any where from 40-100 lbs overweight. Though I was never teased or made to feel bad about it—I was always hyper sensitive to how others were treated for being even less overweight than me. I’d think—wow—that hurts me too because I am bigger than them. I was a very outspoken and outgoing kid—with many friends (most of whom remain friends to this day). I could always keep up physically because I was born athletic—a huge tomboy—and got along with just about every one.
While all my childhood girlfriends started developing into extremely attractive young women—I was appalled and confused at how they were often treated. Boys were often crude to them and girls were extremely cruel. I knew that none of my friends were just “some hot girl”—they were caring, intelligent, and funny individuals who seemed to be paying socially simply for being drop dead gorgeous (they really were/are). I was never treated this way—boys and girls alike virtually always accepted me—treated me genuinely—and all that good stuff. I was never “a threat’—just the chunky girl with a sense of humor…one of the girls and also one of the guys.
I spent my ‘inner time’ learning to accept myself as heavy because I had no choice—and honestly—it wasn’t hard to do since everyone else always accepted me too. As I began to learn how to cope with my mental and emotional issues—I discovered that a healthier diet and regular exercise did wonders for these states. I did not start weight watchers and working out to lose weight—I wanted to be healthy on the inside—was sick of trying meds that only made me feel worse—and weight loss was an added bonus to learning how to take care of myself physically.
I lost over 80lbs—slowly—over a 3 year period. My girlfriends would say (at first before they learned better) that now I could wear this…or that…Now I could ‘be a girly girl’ haha—in my appearance. I know they meant no harm.
I am a hippie, man…hippie heart…hippie soul…hippie parents…hippie hair—clothes—yeah. =) I still have no desire to “look nice” the way others see it. I like how I look…I am pretty because I feel pretty.
Something a very close friend said some time ago really, really hit me hard and got me to thinking. We were looking at childhood pictures…laughing and sharing memories…and one not so flattering one of me at close to my heaviest—she says—“God, don’t you just hate those pictures when we’re at our biggest?? I hate looking at those…” I thought…and then said…”No…I don’t…that’s me…that’s 14 year old me…I love her…I love ‘little’ me…look at her pink hair…her NIN tshirt…that’s…me. I had so much fun...I had a blast, man.” Of the extra weight it suddenly struck me...that there...isn't me anymore...Strange that I hadn't processed it before....but I hadn't, really.
I’m a grown woman now and I don’t feel like it. I recognize those “mean girl” vibes from other women when I have to wear make up—do my hair—and dress in ‘real clothes’ for certain occasions…those are the vibes my girlfriends always got....too wierd...and hurtful somehow. I recently became aware that men consider me attractive and this absolutely terrifies me…I don’t know how to handle it because I’ve never had to. I’ve been with the same man since I was 14 years old and have no experience in even thinking along these lines. It's normal for men to show that they are attracted to women...it is normal for women to recognize it and know how to handle it...I literally begin to shake if I can't casually 'bro talk' my way out of it.
I dress shabbily—barely brush my hair if I don’t have to—and carry myself extremely modestly as I always have. I’m a major prude (my male friends since childhood say I have ‘delicate senses’ which is a nice way of letting others know I’m a prude and to watch their language around me…so no lewd crap haha). I am happy with my inside…I like me. =)
But…I don’t know how to feel about my outside. This isn’t “me”…I don’t know how to be thinner…this isn’t my body…how I identify with it, I mean…when will it be? I never ever thought it would be difficult to transition emotionally from overweight to normal weight. I was so wrapped up in feeling good and healthy for the fist time ever…that I never considered anything else. I feel guilty for complaining about this…but it bothers me.
Has anyone else learned to work past stuff like this? Sorry so wordy...Thanks...