So I've been stuck at this weight for about a month now. That's officially a plateau--not a hiccup, not a hitch, a full-on stall. I've read other "help, I'm stuck!" posts for inspiration, I've read over the "slow loser" posts, I've internalized the messages in the "depressed and discouraged" threads. I figured that would be enough; I don't much like to post "wah, help me!" posts on these boards and I really hate feeling as though I lack the resolve to weather plateaus and cravings and such with serenity.
I've considered what it might take to lose more and the answers I've come up with are: A) drop my calories down from 1500 to 1200; B) try something other than calorie counting; or C) up my exercise to a "Biggest Loser" degree of fanaticism. And this makes me angry, because I...well, bluntly, I do not want to do any of these things.
They are not sustainable for me, and sustainability is something that I have considered paramount for the past six months. Sustainability has kept me 100% on my plan for the entire stretch. Crazy crash diets are what I've done before and what has never worked for me in the long term.
I've been saying in other posts that I feel so good that it wouldn't matter if I never lost another pound. In one sense that's true. I feel good. I look good. My life has already changed for the better, and drastically so.
In another sense, it matters to me very very much if I'm truly stuck at 192-193 while eating 1500 calories or fewer per day despite what every calorie calculator I've seen tells me. It's really making me question what a slimmer body is worth to me if it means looking at mealtimes with about as much enthusiasm as I feel for gassing up my car or spending hours doing exercise that leaves me too spent to enjoy my slimmer body.
It's making me frustrated. Actually, it's making me downright angry. Why is it that it took me years to get to 232 pounds despite eating 3000+ calories a day, yet I have stalled out at a weight that is still technically obese at half that? How could such a drop not make more of a difference?
The past two weeks, I've tried cutting down to an average of 1300 calories per week to see if that would do the trick. Nope. Not a twitch of a digit on my scale. So apparently 1300 calories--which is low enough to make me irritable and weepy over insignificant things--is still too high. I don't have much farther I can drop at this point because even at 1300 calories a day, I've been getting some episodes of dizziness and palm-sweats before eating.
I know I sound a bit like a grouchy petulant child who has been told that her bedtime is going to have to move up an hour now that school has started. I know I need to drop my calories lower. Forgive me, I just want to stamp my foot and say, "But I don't WANNA!" because I just don't see right now how I'll be able to pare away still more of my already pared-down diet without feeling deprived.
I haven't felt starved and I haven't felt deprived of one of the fundamental pleasures of life so far, but it is not working for me any more. Are my choices truly to cut to an unsustainable level and consume my butter-less, cheese-less, cheerless "fuel" mechanically or to remain the size I am? I mean, I'm much happier at 192/193 than I was at 232, but...I had vain, silly hopes of at least reaching "overweight" status, y'know?
It feels strange to say that I am at a breaking point with my weight loss, yet know that I'm not going to "break" and binge. I won't gain my weight back; I'm too happy about swimming and yoga and energy and no heartburn and feeling terrific. However, I am finding myself wanting to "break" in a different way and give myself a rest from food for a few days to see if that helps. But I know that's stupidity; bodies need food, and if I think 1000 calories is unsustainable, 0 is a **** of a lot LESS sustainable.
Ugh, sorry about the rambling and the anger and the frustration. This has been building up for weeks. Thank you for letting me vent. I'll try not to let it happen for another six months. Yecch, going to go take a shower and wash off the stench of weakness and whininess now.