Hey everyone,
Yesterday I had a BAD DAY. I'm having 4 separate issues all at once so I'll separate them out and see if somebody out there understands what I am going through.
1. I am the new "Poster Child" for weightloss. Obviously, I can no longer hide the weightloss. Everyone talks about it. I am bombarded with "you are so skinny!" Yeah, if I was skinny, I'd be at goal weight. Dammit! So now, I am feeling "the pressure". Scared to death I'm going to disappoint people, and now I am trapped in a prison of having to watch my weight for life (I know I shouldn't see it as a prison, but that is my mindset right now, and I need to slap myself).
2. My husband hit goal weight last week. We are the same height, he started out at 210-212, and is now 175. I am happy for him, but then at the same time, I feel that I'm NEVER GOING TO GET THERE. So then I start analyzing the pounds. I was 214 at Christmastime, and now here I am, barely 20lbs under that. 20 lbs loss over 6 months? Freaking slow. Is it going to be another 6 months before goal? Ugghh.
3. Sweet tooth from **** is rearing its' ugly head. So we go to a restaraunt yesterday, and the first thing I see is a glass case with all the desserts. God, I wanted to climb into the case and live in those cakes and pies! So I have my healthy grilled salmon and spinach with baby carrots, which was good. Thoughts of sweets in my head. Go to the movie theater, where I can't eat anything because I am a fatty, and watch a film. While the film is running, my head is saying "fatty...you should eat some candy! Cake!! Pies!!! Cookies!!! Chocolate!" So of course I feel like an addict and I'm mad at myself for #1--having these thoughts and #2--letting myself get upset for having these thoughts. I mean, normal people do not behave this way. What the heck is wrong with me? So then I had a plan for today. I was going to bake an entire batch of cookies while my DH was at work and then head over to See's Candies and do damage. So I got home, had an apple and some peanut butter and went to bed. Talked to DH about what was bugging me, he thought I was mad at him, and now I really feel like crap. He was very understanding. He tried to make me feel better, by telling me once I got to goal him and I could split a piece of cheesecake. Are you freaking kidding me? So now I think if he loved me, he would go get me some cookies, and not care how I look, but obviously, now he wants the trophy wife. But he veils this with "we need to be healthy to be around for our daughter". OK, maybe he is sincere, but my head is not in a good place. So I wake up this morning and I feel better. No, I am not baking those cookies or going to Sees. I don't want to.
4. I'm more critical of my body now than I ever was. And the closer I get to goal, the more I feel I am not going to like the results. My stomach is awful, and even though it is improving, if the last 25 lbs do not leave that region, I'm going to look ridiculous. So why keep killing myself if I will still have a hanging pooch at goal weight? Am I ever going to look in the mirror and be happy? Is there a huge transformation waiting for me in these last 30lbs? God I hope so.
Thanks for listening. I needed to get it out. I need to stay on plan. This is not going to beat me. I will lose the remaining weight.