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Soooo...I tried VERY hard to get "back on track" last week, and was successful for two days--then I went waaay off this weekend. I was PMSing like crazy and finally got my period today (bad excuse I know, but I couldn't help it!), so hopefully tomorrow I can pick up where I left off last week. I've been stuck in the 260s since July and I would loooove to get out of them before the end of the month.
I've been thinking a lot about boys lately--mainly because my friends have been talking to me about it--and how I feel about anything relating to them. I've had several girlfriends tell me I should try to date/meet guys etc. Thinking about dating makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable. My ex is the only person I've ever been with (for everything--been on a date with, kissed, etc.) so I'm pretty inexperienced and awkward...but that's not my main issue. I don't feel good enough; I feel like a joke. I feel like I deserve to be alone. I don't know why I can't get over this, but I STRONGLY believe it. I can't take myself seriously...I don't find myself to be attractive. I want to say I'm pretty, and when I do I kind of laugh and go, "yeah, only in pictures. Not in person." and I always think people are insincere and just trying to be nice when they say I am. ALWAYS. When I meet a boy things like, "I know I'm ugly, and I know you aren't interested, and I know I shouldn't even be talking to you, and I know I am a disgusting whale, and you wouldn't even consider me in a million years..." run through my head. This has resulted in a little bit (ok, maybe a lot) of bitterness. I think, "fine. Whatever. If no one wants me then I don't want anyone, and screw being in love anyway and everyone in the world." I seriously cannot picture someone actually falling in love with me. It just seems like such a joke. And it does hurt and make me sad...because I feel like it's the truth. (I am 21, and no one has ever "liked" me. TRUST me. Even my ex didn't like me until waaaay after I started liking him.) I can't talk about it too much without crying. So I guess I sometimes close myself off because I don't want to get hurt, and I feel like, "why bother?" when it's just not going to work out. The idea of having a crush on someone just seems like a waste of time/a lost cause.
Sigh. Sorry, haha, just needed to get that out. It's just...a couple different friends have brought up that I've been single for so long, and they've encouraged me to "meet guys," and the thought of it just makes me extremely ill. And then I get upset because it's not fair that I feel this way. But again, I can't take myself seriously. I can't stop feeling like a joke.
I'll stop now! XD On a more positive note, I got a lot done today! I cleaned my room/apartment and it looks reaaaally good! Now onto homework...haha. How are you all doing? Like I said, my goal is to see the 259 by the end of the month...we'll see how that goes. <3
Periods of this horrible way of making what was suppose to be a good, "I'm gonna get back on track" kind of week into a serious horrish nightmare full of random chocolate bars and late night pasta binges. I don't get my period very often (thank you/curse you PCOS) but when I do I feel like I just want to eat 100 Reese's peanut butter cups and wedge myself between to heavy surfaces just to have my knees as close to my chest as possible! Anyway, my point is don't worry about getting off plan on your period, just try to do the best you can. Thankfully our bodies are working so hard at making us miserable that we are burning extra calories--mind you not enough to grant 2 packs of Snickers--but enough so that the days following your period aren't as rough as far as getting the extra weight off. Originally Posted by taliee
Hey ladies! Long time no update. Soooo...I tried VERY hard to get "back on track" last week, and was successful for two days--then I went waaay off this weekend. I was PMSing like crazy and finally got my period today (bad excuse I know, but I couldn't help it!), so hopefully tomorrow I can pick up where I left off last week. I've been stuck in the 260s since July and I would loooove to get out of them before the end of the month.
I've been thinking a lot about boys lately--mainly because my friends have been talking to me about it--and how I feel about anything relating to them. I've had several girlfriends tell me I should try to date/meet guys etc. Thinking about dating makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable. My ex is the only person I've ever been with (for everything--been on a date with, kissed, etc.) so I'm pretty inexperienced and awkward...but that's not my main issue. I don't feel good enough; I feel like a joke. I feel like I deserve to be alone. I don't know why I can't get over this, but I STRONGLY believe it. I can't take myself seriously...I don't find myself to be attractive. I want to say I'm pretty, and when I do I kind of laugh and go, "yeah, only in pictures. Not in person." and I always think people are insincere and just trying to be nice when they say I am. ALWAYS. When I meet a boy things like, "I know I'm ugly, and I know you aren't interested, and I know I shouldn't even be talking to you, and I know I am a disgusting whale, and you wouldn't even consider me in a million years..." run through my head. This has resulted in a little bit (ok, maybe a lot) of bitterness. I think, "fine. Whatever. If no one wants me then I don't want anyone, and screw being in love anyway and everyone in the world." I seriously cannot picture someone actually falling in love with me. It just seems like such a joke. And it does hurt and make me sad...because I feel like it's the truth. (I am 21, and no one has ever "liked" me. TRUST me. Even my ex didn't like me until waaaay after I started liking him.) I can't talk about it too much without crying. So I guess I sometimes close myself off because I don't want to get hurt, and I feel like, "why bother?" when it's just not going to work out. The idea of having a crush on someone just seems like a waste of time/a lost cause.
Sigh. Sorry, haha, just needed to get that out. It's just...a couple different friends have brought up that I've been single for so long, and they've encouraged me to "meet guys," and the thought of it just makes me extremely ill. And then I get upset because it's not fair that I feel this way. But again, I can't take myself seriously. I can't stop feeling like a joke.
I'll stop now! XD On a more positive note, I got a lot done today! I cleaned my room/apartment and it looks reaaaally good! Now onto homework...haha. How are you all doing? Like I said, my goal is to see the 259 by the end of the month...we'll see how that goes. <3
As far as the boys.....oh babe, I don't think I could ever express to you how UN-alone in that area you are. Your thoughts, your feelings, your tears are not unrecognized by millions of women--both small and large. I still, all the time, feel like I'm not wanted and will never be wanted by the men with whom I see as being almighty and fantastic. I know EXACTLY what you are saying and when my little email thing buzzed today on my phone and I saw your response I wanted to get home as quickly as possibly so I could write to you that you are not alone and I really could not express how much so. I know it's difficult to hear, "I know how you feel" because you just wanna scream and go,"NO!!! You don't!" but I think in our world--that is, the world of being heavy, young, and facing the cross road of trying to live a life and trying to give up the things you want to do in order to be where you want to be physically--its much more common than we realize.
You've seen my posts about Bill and I'm fairly sure most of the ladies here don't like him, ****, I don't even like him half the time! One of the things I can't let go of Bill is the fact that even at my heaviest, when it hadn't truly hit me how much I had gained and how big I was, he liked me. While he never said anything, it still warrants a little peace of mind to me. The man has never mentioned anything about my weight loss, much less I think even have noticed, and he has not treated me differently once. He stared at me at parties at my heaviest, and he still stares at me.....the same way. And for that reason I will continue to have this never dying appreciation for Bill (even if he is a jack@ss). The only reason something happened between us and launched this whole long dramatic, heartbreaking roller coaster is because I initiated it. I got the balls to just do it. Get his phone number, text him, find him on Facebook, call him, go see him.So my point of telling you that is that since Bill there have been many men who have come forward in conversations in passing or during those times when you catch up with old friends and have straight laid it out that they, at one time, had a thing for me. People notice you when you are happy. Before I noticed how big I was, I was a happy person. I didn't see myself as an attractive object deserving of any sort of attention and I think that's what caught men's eyes. Even now, I still don't see myself as that attractive chick at parties but my attitude has done a complete 180 and I'm happy. I don't care who is looking at me or what they are thinking, I'm just concerning myself with the fact that I am out with my friends and not sitting on my couch at home with a bag of "Reduced Fat" Baked Lays. You know what I mean? I'm not saying that it will be easy for you to just get up, go out, and forget about the fact that no boys are chasing after you right now because you won't be able to. Our weight loss is a journey of up and down emotions and while your last boyfriend may have been a first for a lot of things, he isn't going to be the last. While there may not be someone lined up right now, that doesn't mean that it isn't going to happen. A sh!tty thing about guys is that when you have a "non-socially acceptable physique" they tend to hold back in pursuing you because of something stupid in their heads. That sounds bitter, I realize, and my friends have all told me I'm crazy for thinking that and it's just that I'm off putting and intimidating--but there is some truth to it. My experience in this is current--the number of guys from the last 3 or 4 years (my heaviest years) who I have had major crushes on who have now seen me again, 50 pounds down, hair done, makeup and a smile on are just tripping over themselves to get my attention in some way or another. While flattering, I no longer have an interest.
My confidence has skyrocketed since my weight loss but that's coming from a confidence of 0 to a 6 on a scale of 10. It's not really saying much and there are a lot of insecurities I still hold on to-- like my body. Probably one of the more major reasons why I haven't slept with anyone in a long time---my body. I'm INCREDIBLY ashamed of it and it is really going to take a guy who is patient and understanding to be the one who builds my trust with him. I haven't had a SERIOUS relationship in about 5 years. It ended so badly that I was scared to death to find someone or to be found so I hid myself and concentrated on being the entertainer of sorts. If I made people laugh then they weren't thinking, "God what a disgusting and sad individual." Sad--but humor is an amazing door opener. There have been dates and little boys (by that I mean immature) with whom I've sadly spent too much of my time fussing over but was too scared, insecure, and unhappy in general with my life to get involved with someone seriously again. Now I want something serious but, alas, none of the guys I like actually want something serious with a girl who still outweighs him...
Friends, while they mean well, just need to shut up sometimes. If they don't know what its like to go through the emotions we've put ourselves..or at least allowed ourselves to go through being that we got this way by our own hands...then they just can't understand what holds us back from just going out and making whatever they say possible. The majority of my friends now have NEVER seen me with a boyfriend. I've always been fairly private about my dating life with them (because, sadly, I'm very untrusting of others) so they don't get on me about being single for so long. Now that I have been dating more and actually making myself more attractive (with the help of Clinique) they are now bugging me about dating the "Nice" guys...aka boring.
I also feel the need to tell you that this:
When I meet a boy things like, "I know I'm ugly, and I know you aren't interested, and I know I shouldn't even be talking to you, and I know I am a disgusting whale, and you wouldn't even consider me in a million years..." run through my head. This has resulted in a little bit (ok, maybe a lot) of bitterness. I think, "fine. Whatever. If no one wants me then I don't want anyone, and screw being in love anyway and everyone in the world." I seriously cannot picture someone actually falling in love with me. It just seems like such a joke. And it does hurt and make me sad...because I feel like it's the truth. (I am 21, and no one has ever "liked" me. TRUST me. Even my ex didn't like me until waaaay after I started liking him.) I can't talk about it too much without crying. So I guess I sometimes close myself off because I don't want to get hurt, and I feel like, "why bother?" when it's just not going to work out. The idea of having a crush on someone just seems like a waste of time/a lost cause.
is unacceptable. BUT I do know where you are coming from. I use to think that way. Why bother even looking for someone right now when I look like sh!t all the time and this hideous body isn't getting anyone's attention so why bother!? Yes, I know what goes on the minds of us girls who have given up on love. What I've been starting to realize is that EFFFF that! I am so worthy of being loved, appreciated, lusted after and chased! I'm a 23 year old woman who has friends and family that adore me, good values, fantastic style, a degree, my own house, a good job, pay my own bills, have my own car, think my own thoughts and I don't depend on everyone else's thoughts of me as a reason for whether or not I'm getting out of bed today. While it sounds corny, EFF it! If the men I am with can't see that and get the balls to just step up to the plate and take a hit or two, then why do I waste my time?! When I first started coming to this realization I kept thinking, "But if I let them go now, they may not come back!" I thought that a lot about Bill...still do to be honest but I know that if they don't they it wasn't meant to be and they don't value me for what I really am. Sometimes I truly do need to remind myself, "Michelle, you need to stop obsessing over this guy...you've made it clear you like and want him, if he feels the same he will come to you" OR "You deserve someone as amazing as you." I'm a damn catch okay and if their arms aren't open to catch me, then bye! I know as I continue to lose weight more opportunities will open as my confidence and self esteem go higher so I'm not worried about being alone the rest of my life. While I still lust after the wrong guys and will probably always go after the bad boy, I know now that it is okay so long as they realize how amazing I am and that adding me to their life will be one of the best decisions they've ever made--just as I would them.
Anyway, my love, I know a lot of that being said here is my experience and my thoughts with reference to my situation(s) but I hope you were able to get my overall point. I want you to know you are not alone and while not everyone may have the same thoughts or the same words, the overall feeling is self-worth is shared and common. We go through phases--such is life. Happy some months, down the next, rock bottom the next, then you have something happen that makes getting out of bed in the morning a lot easier. It'll come, my love, just be patient and continue to do the things that make you happiest. At times that might take a thought or two but at the end of the day if there was not one smile that had spread across your face then you know you aren't doing what makes you happy.