Hi, I'm a new poster here, but I can't say that I'm new, since I check these forums at least once a day. I joined up over the summer but instead of posting like I had intended, I've lurked. Please excuse the wall of text. I'd really share this with you all, since you've shared so much with this community. Let's just say this big post makes up for all the months without saying anything.
I started my weight loss journey about a year ago. It was late February but I'm not sure of the date so today will do. A few months into it I started feeling really down about how far I'd come, or rather how far I still had to go. When you're looking at having to lose 300+ lbs. it can be overwhelming. At the suggestion of my husband I sought a support group and found this site. It kept me going when I wanted to give up. It made me realize that yeah, 300 lbs is a lot to lose, but 10 isn't... and I can do that. It made me realize that if I refuse to give up, even after a setback, than I'm already on my way.
When I started to lose weight it wasn't because I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be obese, I just didn't actively set out for weight loss. In Dec.09, I lost 2 family members 2 weeks apart, right around Christmas. I decided it would be wonderful to eat my feelings... but my body didn't agree. I have gallstones and I ended up having a 6 day gallstone attack. I couldn't even keep down water without violently being sick. After 6 days of no food, no water, constant excruciating pain, no sleep, getting sick no less than 9 times... well let's just say I was in rough shape. Without going all TMI, it was by far the most horrific week of my life. When things started to settle down and I got a few hours sleep I had some time to reflect on how my life took such a nasty turn. I didn't like what I found.
I have a very strained relationship with my mom and I haven't really spoken to her in 3 or 4 years. She's an addict and I suffered her abuse for 20 years, I'm kinda done with it. I really hated her growing up because I thought if she cared about me, she'd stop the drugs, stop hitting me, stop abandoning me. Now that I'm older I realize that isn't how it works, but it still hurts. The damage is still done, the hate simmers just under the surface. It hurts not to have my mom in my life, but she brings nothing but pain and chaos into my life. When I was a child, she'd bring home ice cream. If I didn't eat the whole half gallon before it went freezer burned, I'd get hit. If she went for that same ice cream and it wasn't there, I'd get hit. She took my sister to a nutritionist when I was young, and they told her "maybe having twinkies in the house isn't good for your children" to which my mother replied "why should the rest of us suffer because she can't put down the fork?". Basically, I have 20 years of various abuse to overcome in many facets of my life, not just food. I can't blame her, but my food issues are about as old as I am. I was a size 30/32 when I was a senior in high school. I didn't get that big by my mom putting balanced meals on the table, nor can a child really dictate what food their parents buy.
During my soul searching I realized that I was really no better than she is, because food was my drug in a way, and I was killing myself just as surely as she is with what she does. I tried to justify it, saying I was only hurting myself where as she hurt her children, but that just isn't true. See, my husband was the one holding my hair back while I got sick, he was the one seeing me crying in pain for a week. How could I put him through that? I hated seeing the way he looked at me, like he wished he could snap his fingers and make it all better. I can't stand seeing him have the sniffles, I would be heartbroken to see him as sick as I was. The worst part was knowing I had no one to blame but myself. It was my rock bottom. I have been overweight my whole life, been at others mercy when it comes to food, but I'm not anymore. I haven't been for some time. When I moved out of my moms house, I got a job, bought my own groceries, cooked my own, went out to eat, made bad choices. I did that, and it finally caught up with me. I'm 28, I have a bunch of medical issues, and I'm so tired of it holding me back. My weight has cost me so much. It continues to cost me, and I suspect that even upon hitting and maintaining my goal weight I will still feel the aftershocks of it.
It's not all bad though. I'm happy to say that one year later, I've lost 180 lbs. I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life I know, I mean I KNOW, that I will get there. It may take awhile, but I will get there. I still have tough days sometimes, but I cannot say that everyday is a struggle. If anything it has gotten easier to stay on plan. When I'm having a hard time I come on here and know that I'm not alone. It helps keep my goals in focus and kills my lame cravings for pizza. You guys rock, you really do.
I really don't see an overall difference in my appearance and I thought I would have by now, but what can you do. I see that the scale goes down, that my old clothes literally fall off of me, that my wedding ring doesn't fit, that my shoes of all things don't fit, but I really don't see a change. I think that is the hardest part, not having a visual payoff. Now I wish I didn't duck out of all those photos over the years because I don't really even have a before shot to compare myself to.
So to tie up this huge post let me just say your posts have given me insight and information to help make me healthier. At times you have made me laugh when I felt like crying, other times I just cried anyway. You have showed strength and compassion, two things that the world could use more of. You give hope to those who feel hopeless, courage to those who feel weak or defeated, and most of all, support. Support is so vital to success in anything one wants to achieve. You guys and gals are an inspiration and I don't think I could have come this far without you. On behalf of all the lurkers out there, thank you. Here's hoping for another successful year and I look forward to reading your posts. Maybe I'll even post a little if I can break out of this whole wallflower thing. I just really felt like I owed you guys a huge thank you. You helped me save my life, which is a pretty amazing thing.