Hi there
I'm fairly new here and sorry to jump in with a really big one, but I'm struggling a bit at the moment. I can't seem to get my husband to understand how negative he can be, and how badly it affects me. I know he's only trying to help, but it's just NOT helping... it feels like he takes every opportunity to remind me how many times I've failed before and how rubbish I've been in the past, and I'm just not sure what to do about it. He really doesn't do it to be nasty – he's just trying to get me to think about why I'm going to succeed this time where I haven't before, or to be prepared for obstacles when they come my way, but I just can't get past the constant reminders of how I've failed in the past.
My belief in myself is pretty tenuous at best, and I think he thinks that by saying these things he can redouble my determination, but actually what he ends up doing is just making me doubt myself – why should I succeed this time? Why will I be better? Why won't I just get drunk/stay in bed/not bother going to the pool? I really don't know, and the more I think about it the less I believe that I can actually do this.
I should point out that none of what he says is abusive, it's not like that – he's not spiteful. For example, if I say I'm going to an early morning exercise class at 6:45 he'll ask me what time I've set the alarm for, then when I say 6 he'll say 'well you know you can't just hit snooze again'. Or if I say I'm going to try a new exercise (recently I've been doing BMF and I totally surprised myself by loving it – just went for my 3rd session in 2 weeks this am) he'll say 'great, but you do realise you have to actually GO for it to work?'. Not huge comments, but all the time, constantly. It's not totally limited to losing weight, either – this morning I got up and went to BMF and then to the doctors to get an appt for today, then I came home had a shower, made him breakfast and lunch. Then I went to the living room and before I'd gone anywhere near the computer he said 'what are you doing now?' and I said 'planning our meals for the week and then I'll make a shopping list' and he said 'on Facebook?' as though he assumes that I'm just wasting time and never do anything productive. It's just completely unnecessary, hurtful niggling. I could go on, but I won't sport with your patience!
I'm kind of at the end of my tether with it, but I'm genuinely not sure there's anything I can do about it. I've said to him that I find it hurtful and counterproductive, he says he's not being negative it's just the way that I'm hearing it. He has, and does, tell me that he's proud of me – with the BMF thing for example, he says he's really proud of how hard I'm working. But this doesn't cancel out the other times for me, and for whatever reason it's the negative stuff that sticks with me.
Am I being oversensitive?
Sorry this is so long...
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