Hopefully this is the right forum to post this in...Sorry this is long, but hopefully someone can relate!
So, I'm about 135 right now, and originally that was my goal weight, but I've been thinking lately that I want to go down a bit more, to maybe 127 or so. I'm not going to lie, it's almost purely for vanity reasons, albeit a little bit b/c I think it may improve my running.
Anyway, i've been at 135 since last July, and I have just not been able to get under 134. My body, it seems, is very comfortable at 135 (after having lost about 60 lbs). And it sounds ridiculous, but while I'm at a size 6 now, I'd love to get to a 4. Part of me figures, I'm young (25), single, besides my job no big responsibilities or anyone to look after, if there's a time to reach that dream weight, it's now. At the same time, it's become abundantly clear these last few months that if i really want to get that low, I'm going to have to be very, very strict. Gone are the days where I could go off plan on the wknd, be back to normal by Tuesday, and be a lb or two lower by Friday.
So part of me is thinking (and other people are telling me as well), why bother? I mean I'm at a very healthy weight, my body has enough fuel that I can run about 25 miles a week, I can still allow myself the splurge (particularly on wknds when I do my long runs of 10+ miles), and I want to have a healthy, normal relationship with food where I'm not just eating on plan 100% of the time and can have a burger and a couple beers on the wknds with friends.
The other part of me, however, really wants to get below 130. I know it's for stupid reasons - I look at other girls who are below that weight and I pine to have that body type. I look at my huge, muscley thighs (or what I think are huge, at a size 6) and just think "if only i get lose 5-10 more lbs, then I'd be happy."
I was talking to my coworker today who is about 10 years older than me, married, and doing weight watchers, mainly b/c she wants to get healthy and have a baby (i.e. not for vanity reasons). She thinks I'm crazy for wanting to get lower and she told me something that struck a chord - she told me I have to stop basing my self-worth on my body weight. She said that while her husband could get a thinner wife, he couldn't get one as fabulous as she is, mentioning how she knows how funny she is, etc. She did admit that some of that wisdom just comes with age, but I can't really do anything about that!
I'm at a healthy weight, so why, if on any given morning, if the scale is up a couple pounds (most likely due to water weight) do I let it ruin my whole attitude that day and make me feel crummy about myself? I lost 60 lbs - something I've been trying to do for about 10 years. I feel huge and not attractive. On the flip side, if the week after I go low carb, stay strictly on plan, drink a ton of water and am suddenly down 3-4 lbs, i feel on top of the world, like I have the most self-confidence, even though I know, deep down, it was mostly just water weight that I lost, and that no one on the planet could probably tell a difference.
after spending a year devoting so.much.energy. to losing those 60 lbs and meticulously counting calories consumed and calories spent, and getting addicted to the thrill of seeing a lower number on the scale and for the first experiencing the thrill of getting noticed by the opposite sex (including the man who i had a crush on for 3+ years), how do i break the equation that low weight = self worth and happiness? I think back to myself at 60+ lbs and am absolutely mortified and can't believe I let myself get that way in the first place!