I guess to start this post I have to make a confession. I dropped out of high school. Uhg, saying that makes me cringe. I have no excuse or reason, except at that time in my life I believed nothing mattered. I didn't feel like I had a future. (Which makes no sense because unless a person dies they have a future! Duh! ) It is the biggest regret in my life, and I have plans to finish my school work and get a GED soon.
The thing holding me back from pretty much everything I want to do right now is fear. Mostly fear of other people and that they will find out how stupid, inept, wrong, etc I am. I'm afraid to learn to drive (Yes, I'm 21 and don't have a license yet) not because I think I will get in an accident, but because I'm afraid of making a mistake and causing another driver to get angry. (And I know that makes no sense. ) I avoid conversations with new people even though I'm lonely because I know the first questions are going to be things like "what do you do?" "what did you study in school?" and I'll have to say that I'm just a housewife with no education. And I love being a housewife, I really do! In the end that's what I want to be, but I feel like I'm so much less than everyone else in the world because I haven't done anything the "right" way. I want friends but I don't believe anyone would want to be my friend when I don't have anything to offer. Sometimes I almost feel subhuman. I hate going out and being around other people because I feel so self conscious.
Anyway, to the point of this rather long winded post. I want to get a job. I don't really need the money to live on because my husband makes enough to support us. But I think that a second income would be good because we could save more, and I would also have better means to help my family members with their problems. There is a grocery store right across the street from our apartment, but I'm terrified to apply. I know logically the worst that will happen is I won't be hired, but every time I start to think about doing it a voice in my head says there is no point. Then I start to convince myself I wouldn't be able to do the job anyway because I'm unable to do anything a normal person can. I don't want to wait until after I get my GED because that is at least a year or two away. But maybe I should?
I just don't know how to get over being afraid of everything. I'm afraid to even post this because I feel like everyone will hate me when they find out I'm such a loser. I'm tired of feeling like I need to hide everything about myself for fear of being ostracized.