This is a very selfish post. I apologize in advance.
Just yesterday I posted about having fallen hard off "the wagon" and how I'd suffered a lot of binging, a lot of overeating, and a lot of total apathy about my weight loss.
This weekend, I handed myself the reins. I said "Ok, dear. Go out and do what you will." And so, I had a free-for-all no-holds-barred food fest. I've done nothing at all but prepare and eat whatever I wanted in whatever enormous portions I wanted it. Just a few hours ago I finished off with ice cream and an enormous brownie. After all this food (good and bad, from apples and salads to pasta and pizza) I feel...stuffed. Almost sick.
I think it was something I just needed to do. Just throw aside all the obsessive numbers and stress of it all and just EAT.
And now here I am.
On year ago today (October 4th) I was riding back home with my mom from Iowa. We'd been visiting relatives. While there, I'd purchased a dress for a vocal recital I was soon to give. It was very difficult to find a nice dress in my size (then around 14/16.) While I did succeed in finding a nice outfit to wear, I complained about the shopping difficulty to my aunt. I did this over the dinner table. Instantly my aunt responded with a long speech about how fat I was and how terrible my eating habits were and how I would lose so much weight and be so much prettier if I just stopped eating so much and exercised more. I cried in the car on the way home. My mom told me my aunt was right. I needed to lose weight.
So I did. I started counting calories on the 4th. That night I walked over to the campus gym and walked on the treadmill for an hour. I started a strange and often destructive journey, struggling to find the balance between food and work, self-satisfaction and self-loathing.
I came on to these boards just as I was nearing my 15lb loss.
"Starting on Oct. 4th, 2009 to today, November 15th, 2009...I've lost my first 15 pounds!"
And reached a 20lb loss on my 20th birthday.
"So...this morning, the morning of my 20th birthday...I stepped upon my Taylor Lithium scale. And the reading said 155.4. Impossible, I think! I was 158.8 but four days ago (keeping in mind that two days ago I started my TOM).
I stepped off the scale, incredulous. When Taylor scales get bumped a bit, they give incorrect readings and have to be reset by stepping off and letting it settle. I stepped on again, confident it should be the correct weight this time. Again, 155.4 exactly. And again. Annnd again.
Is...is it true? Have I met my most cherished mini-goal of the moment on my birthday? Or is the dang thing mocking me again??"
And reached workout goals.
"I made it. It wasn't a ten minute MILE (tread counted me at .79)...but it was ten minutes of running, with no stops or breaks! And even then, it was more my lungs that were giving our than my muscles. Now, of course, my I am hacking and coughing and my legs are rather sore. But it was still exhilarating! "
And managed amazing feats.
"Despite the ever-tedious time of 'the holidays' (November-Early January) I finally got out of my 3 week long stall at 155! Just a few days after Christmas, I stepped on the scale and was rewarded with a whopping 151lbs!"
And found a new way to look at myself.
"But ever since I started my journey, each pound gone or inch shrunk has been a victory. A real accomplishment that I KNOW I did all on my own.
As I slowly descend towards my goal weight, my over-all goals seem to be growing exponentially without my say so.
Suddenly, things are in terms of WHEN I reach goal, not IF. And then I find myself pleased by the challenge of maintenance and the added challenge of gaining several pounds of muscle."
And started to backslide.
"Help! Help! I have 20lbs instead of 15lbs to go, now, thanks to gained weight, and I just...I'm just going to gain it all over again and I can't lose it again I just CAN'T go through that AGAIN.
I'm so full of sad and fail.
So much fail."
And I got back on the wagon. And fell off again. And got on. And off. Annnd on. And so on.
Suffice to say, it's been an amazing, wonderful, easy, hard, terrible, confusing year.
But I'm still here. And I'm still trying. And I still want to succeed, somehow, eventually.
Sorry for all the length. I just felt like it was time to examine my history and determine my future.
Through it all, you chicks have been there for me with reassurance, tough love, and support. Thank you, thank you, thank you. A better group of guys and gals I couldn't possibly hope for.