I get so angry at myself. I want nothing more than to be healthy, but as someone who is extremely shy, and reserved, as soon as I start getting compliments, or notice more than just a passing glance from men, I get really nervous, and end up sabotaging my hard work. I'm at the gym 5 days a week, for 90+ min, so it really is hard work, I feel good while working out, and even get some help from a guy who works there on tips and such. I leave thinking "I feel great! I need to keep this up" I leave and get oggling glances or a comment that make me uneasy, ( not from the gym, just everyday walking around stuff )and I end up eating an ice cream cone, or something else to erase what I've done.
Yes, I realize this sounds crazy, but after spending most of my teenage years, and all of my 20's being well over 200 pounds, never getting a 2nd glance from men, always being the friend vs the girlfriend, it is uneasy for me to get that kind of attention.
So, I sabotage myself? Ugh. Makes me so mad! Rarely, if ever when I indulge on something, do I think it was worth it. In fact, most of the time, I feel worse about myself. Physically and emotionally.
I know, I'm sure some might think, get a grip, guys are paying attention to you. It's what you've wanted in the past. I know I thought about it with others who would complain, but when it's actually happening, it's quite scary to someone like myself, who never had that kind of attention before.
I noticed I started feeling this way much more once I hit the 180's. My first huge milestone was getting into the 100's which I reached in June 2009. My next real big milestone will be to reach 178. I'm seriously hoping I can do this by my 32nd birthday, which is in Dec.
I just need to learn to stop sabotaging myself, and not pay attention to unwanted attention. Focus on MY goals, and wrap myself in a bubble of goals if I have to. It's just hard sometimes.
Thanks for letting me vent my feeling of the day.