A few thoughts that come to mind, at this hour, on this delicate subject.
Yes, people do behave differently towards me, even (especially?) family members. Part of it might be that I feel better about myself, and part of it is that being fat is by and large, considered evidence of sloth, self-indulgence, irresponsibility, etc. When I was a child, fat people were often referred to as gluttons, and it was very uncommon to see someone who was overweight.
I noticed an obvious difference when I got to 138 pounds. I felt much better about myself, but I don't think it was just my "vibes". I now weigh a bit less than that and notice that people are kinder, smile more, are more polite, friendlier, etc. I know that I have always felt fat when I've weighed more than that. So, even if many didn't think I was actually fat at 150, deep inside, behind my pretending, I felt unattractive, unworthy, etc. At higher weights, I hid.
Being fat is because something is dis-ordered in our thinking, and in our eating, as well as the way we try to solve some of life's challenges. Until we correct that, and eat what our own metabolism needs, the evidence of something being out of order is visible to all. For some, it is especially hard, because they actually do eat less than many very thin people.
I am the same person inside that I was five pounds ago and, gulp, fifty pounds ago. Except that, and I think this is key, I have healthier boundaries, know a good deal more about nutrition, macronutrients and how they are metabolized, etc., and have put that into practice. I am more able to say "No!" in many areas of life. Getting the eating and exercise to be more "in order" is just part of having healthier boundaries and living.
I tried to hide in food. I have had to find other ways to meet the challenges and difficulties of life. As I find those, my body shows that I am not hiding in food anymore.
It is hard being fat. I am very embarrassed that I ever was. It is difficult to admit. I was in a hard place in life and I chose a very ineffective way to try to take care of myself, which, of course, made me feel worse. I try to stay out of those unhealthy-for-me ways of thinking and doing, the same way I don't go to bad neighborhoods.
I like the idea that we can become strongest in the broken places. I am finding balance, and peace in the way I eat, exercise and live. It has taken decades. I don't know if it is that I am slimmer, or more that sometimes I have more peace, that people respond to. I do think it is true that people respond to the way we think, our deepest convictions, whether we are conscious of those convictions, or not.
There is much to think about in this area. These are just a few thoughts that come to mind at the moment.
I think it is wonderful that there is so much research being done about metabolism, food intolerances, genetic influences, in what folks can eat, how carbohydrates effect insulin and cause excess fat storage, and so on. I now know that I am one of those who can't live as I've sometimes imagined other people can. I have to eat what my body can easily utilize. Just as I stay away from crowds, I stay away from certain foods.
For me, it is heartening to be getting strong, in the broken places, and to have peace about how I eat, and move, rest, and so on. Just as there is a young girl, and a young woman in us older women, there is someone sleek and dancing, and wonderfully alive underneath the fat. It is dear to let that part of me, have more and more of a chance to live, very dear. When I type that, memories of elderly ladies with sweet sparkles in their eyes, at telling a sweet joke, and wiggling their toes a certain way, or turning their faces a bit to the sun, come to mind. We women are so socialized to take care of others first, that it can be very hard to really feel we have a right to take good care of ourselves, or enjoy dancing in the living room, without feeling guilty. I really like Angela Lansbury's video, "Positive Moves". She's so encouraging, and I find her inspiring.
Sometimes the relief is bittersweet because I didn't really let myself live in all the ways I dreamed of, when I was young. But, now, I try to focus on enjoying that I am finding little victories each day, and letting myself experience beauty and joy throughout the day, or in the wee hours, when I don't sleep. I have found a way to eat and exercise so that my bones don't hurt, and even though I don't sleep long stretches, I rest when I sleep. I stop during my walks to watch a hummingbird, or feel a bit strong and wonderfully alive when I do my Callanetics, or some of the joy of a child when I jump on my small trampoline. To me, these are some of the building pieces of that getting strong in the broken places.
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Just a few thoughts on such a huge subject....
Sending you all best wishes.
