I have come back to 3FC to absolve myself of what feels like sin to me, and to hopefully get some perspective and a fresh start.
I was sooo close to reaching my goal weight, and then things fell apart. At my highest weight I was 268lbs, at my lowest weight I was 165lbs and a size 12/14 and now I'm 215lbs and a size 16/18. I had never lost this much weight in my entire life and I was never a yo-yo dieter, so it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't keep the weight off permanently. I was even giving some close friends weight loss tips if they asked, and I'm a life coach for plus size women, and I even developed a healthy living and weight loss program for my clients.
I was happy. I was exercising regularly, cooking and eating well and things were moving in a very positive direction. When I first started losing weight I wasn't in a great place, but I was in therapy and working with a holistic health counselor so that really helped me get to the root of why I was eating.
I lost 100lbs in 11 months, I was on a roll. Well, about 9 months after reaching that milestone, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and I told my parents and sister for the first time that I had been sexually abused by a relative, something I never ever thought I would do. Everything was so emotionally crazy and chaotic during that time. I was still exercising but I started eating more and more. I didn't really gain weight because I was exercising a lot, but I was starting to take on my old eating habits again. 6 months after my mom was diagnosed and was in treatment, the man I planned on marrying broke up with me. Well, devastated would be an understatement for how I felt, but I was still exercising although not eating much.
Well, my exercise of choice was running and weight lifting and just before the breakup I got a really bad case of Plantar Fascitis in both of my heels and was no longer able to run, and shortly after that I was in a car accident and had some minor nerve damage to the right side of my arm. So that meant no running or weight lifting for the time being. I took a little break from exercise thinking it would get better then started exercising again but it only made it worse.
Now here I am, having dealt with all of those emotional setbacks, but I am 50lbs heavier than my lowest weight. I looked at myself in a picture that was taken of me recently and I almost burst into tears. I feel so sad and ashamed for what I have done to my body,like a failure, particularly because I know better, I know what it takes for me to lose weight but I just haven't been doing it. I am determined to move on from this point, but I am afraid of gaining more weight and not being able to turn this thing around. I'm afraid of going all the way back to the person I used to be. And what's funny is I can see myself engaging in all of the bad habits that helped me pack on the pounds in the first place but I don't always stop myself.
I'm ready to begin again but it feels like being a newborn all over again, learning how to walk for the very first time, sorting through diets and eating plans, reading all of those fitness magazines like an addict thinking they are going to tell me something I don't already know. It's a challenge.
Anyway, I just wanted to share and hopefully some of you can relate.
Thanks for listening.