Hello everyone!
I just turned 21 and I've been overweight my whole life. It was cute when I was a kid and waddling around in an overstuffed marshmallow coat, but when you're older it's not that great. My main concern is for my health, I need to lose 140lbs and the overwhelming size of that number is a little intimidating.
I'm that kid that's been trying to diet since middle school, but was too lazy to exercise and loved chocolate too much. It didn't help that my father "didn't see anything wrong" with my weight or my older sister's (who's heavier than I am). He was always thin and thought weekly runs for ice cream was a good idea. My mom is overweight too and struggled with anorexia in her adolescent years so she's been determined to make sure that we don't go down that path. She's been trying to get us to exercise with her and eat lots of beans, but it just never took.
What I eat isn't the problem, my mom buys lots of healthy food, but it's the quantity. I also looooove to bake. I get cake commissions periodically and everyone says that my brownies are the best, but the therapeutic nature of baking always comes to a terrible end when I can't stop myself from eating half of what I make. I binge eat, but didn't realize it until last year when I read the description on an OA site. I thought about going to meetings, but as a staunch atheist I couldn't stomach the 12 step program. I know they say it doesn't have to be religious, but that kind of thing isn't for me.
I don't go out of my way to get food. If there's nothing else yummy in my house, I don't go out and get it, I just start eating the stuff I don't really like or care about and it makes me feel worse because I'm trying to hide a craving with something I don't even want. I'm almost never hungry, I eat at the meal times and I eat until I feel sick at least once a week. It's like some oral fixation. Gum helps, especially if it's minty because it keeps my mouth occupied, but it doesn't solve to overarching issue.
I'm also incredibly lazy. I'll walk six miles without being winded or complaining when I'm with others, but when I'm by myself I just can't bring myself to get to the end of that workout video. It's that perpetual cycle of "I'll do it tomorrow".
My sister isn't much help. She listens and laughs when I complain and wise crack about my weight to her, but she apparently doesn't feel the same emotional strain that I do. My mom would probably love for me to start some weight loss partnership with her, but I've always been a very private person and I suppose I don't want anyone close to me to know how much I'm trying so that they won't be disappointed if I fail.
I guess that's another huge issue for me. I'm afraid to try because I'm afraid to fail and if I lose 30lbs and people start noticing, what will they think if I gain it all back? But now I really want to try, I want to be healthy, and I want to wear pretty things.
Anyway, I'll stop there. I'm sorry for all that stuff, but I didn't really realize how much I had to say until I started typing. It feels good though. I'll start posting here and hopefully talking to others will help me keep my goals.