I feel like I used to have self-control. Surely, at some point, I was 'in charge' of my life.
My last month of community college was not really stressful, but the future beyond it was. I started eating and relaxing on my exercising. I blamed the all-you-can-eat cafeteria. And while that blame probably stands, it's not exactly helping me now that I'm living in my rental house three hours from home with a real kitchen and my own food budget.
This is my first time totally on my own financially and domestically. I'm struggling to secure sixty hours of work/week so that I manage my rent and utilities and food costs. As it is, I'll barely break even. And I haven't been able to actually START working yet. The prospect frightens me in itself (my first real job(s).)
So, yes. Stress is a part of this lovely five-pound gain I've experienced over the past month or so. Honestly, however, I've been toying around 145-148 since Spring Break. And ever since then...whoops, there went my self-control.
I had a really gratifying time, working my behind off (rather literally.) I'm starting to wonder, though, if I can ever really get back on the wagon. Already I've thrown away a carton of ice cream my mom bought when she helped me move in last week. I am throwing away half a package of Twix my brother-in-law bought when he came to visit last weekend. I feel wasteful, but I need to get it OUT of the house. My peanut butter and jelly sandwich fetish is difficult enough to deal with. My family is just trying to help, but that isn't helping. Now that they have all scattered and I am alone in a too-big and too-quiet house...well. You understand. I'm scared and upset and bored and lonely and yet there is always the solace of cooking/baking...and eating...food.
I don't really expect any sympathy for the weight gain on this post. I may not have self-control, but I know when I need to just fess up. I've been a lazy hog and that's what happens when you abandon reason. However, I could really use a hug and assurances that being an adult isn't really as all around terrifying as I think it is
I really wish my anxiety issues weren't nudging in my eating issues. One issue at a time, please. I've never been a strong multi-tasker.
Thanks, chickies. I hope you won't mind seeing more of me in the weeks to come.