It would be easier to just bang my head against a wall than admit, truly, why I do this to myself!

I have been a binge eater for decades. I have been in therapy for it for years. I am on binge-free day 19 (again!) and feel like the person that sabotages me the most is ME!

I blame it on so many other things - my messed up menstral cycle, the antibiotics I am on right now, my blood thinners, and more. If I cannot find a reason inside myself, then I start blaming other people for sabotaging me - like my mom, my ex husband or my screaming kids.

My girlfriend asked me to do a list of why my new boyfriend likes me, from my point of view. I found it way easier to list all the negative reasons he might be interested in me than to write what might be positive about me to like.

Negatives:
He knows I have money (or will inherit)
He just wants a mom for his daughter
He just wants sex
He is really a freaky-creepy guy
His limp makes other people run away so he is just happy to have someone interested at all
He has many women and I am just one more
He wants something from me and I don’t yet know what it is

Even when I wrote the positive ones, I dont necessarily believe them.

And to make matters worse today - I went and engaged my exhusband in a pointless, devolving dialogue about our kids and visitation. I could have just left well-enough alone (although it means he 'wins' again). Instead I replied and we are now spiralling...and I fear I am spiraling with it ...

In the last 15 months, I have lost 75 lbs. In the last 3 years I have lost 140lbs total. I am terrified of binging my way back !

I appreciate that you ladies pour your heart and soul onto this website... It makes me know I am not alone...

Just really needed to vent this out there... For what it is worth, here is my positive list:
My smile is apparently pretty
My eyes are apparently beautiful
Apparently guys like my shoulders and butt
My dedication to my family, my life, my passions
I'm smart enough to be interesting
I'm positive most of the time
I'm financially "stable"
I make sound decisions usually
I do have passion about things
I am trying to improve myself constantly
I am a caring person
I am fun to be around
I am not too girlie
I like adventure and to try new things
I am willing to put effort into things and really try
I try not to judge or have preconceived notions
I am loveable and worthy of someone elses love…and am willing to accept it (I am guessing this is the bottom line right!?!?)

Thank you for listening to me....and I WILL NOT binge tonight... I desperately need to get to day 20, 21, 22, .....

You know...to be brutally honest, it sounds to me like you need to get some sun...excercise like crazy and take a deep breath.

(SAD-Seasonal Affects Disorder at it's worst.)

ah... exercise is my best friend! I do an hour a day, every day...havent missed a day in over a year...the sun is a great idea... if only i could afford to tan or go south... alas...neither for me... thank you for the post!

You have accomplished so much, but you are super hard on yourself. If anyone treated you the way you treat yourself, you'd probably put them out of your life. You're definitely smart and sometimes, that tends to over analyzing. I have a brainy hubby who does that a lot and it's not always something that feels good. You obviously know what you're doing in the weight loss department, but you need to find a way to separate your emotions from food. I'm sure you've heard this before, but when you get the urge to binge, it can be very helpful to have a set plan of action. I have some activities that I partake in that help: walking, dancing like a lunatic at home to something on youtube, singing karaoke on youtube (I'm such a dork), painting my nails, crocheting, going upstairs where there is no food, reading posts on 3fc, chewing gum, drinking hot herbal tea, push ups, calling a friend, etc. You can make up your own list. Post it on your refrigerator door or your pantry shelves so you can see it right then and there.

I'm sure you'll get more advice. Everyone is different and we're all going to fall. We just need to pick ourselves right back up.

Is it possible for you to see someone about your boyfriend? It's hard to tell how you truly feel about him. Are you into him or are you just with him to have someone?

I hope you will find a solution to your binge eating. What helps me a lot is to come here and post often. If you feel the urge to binge, just come and post and, hopefully, you will get through that urge. The urges come and go, but the weight gain is tough to shed.

When I read your list of positives about yourself, it seems like you get more positive once you get the first few out. You should stop saying "apparently"!!!!! Do YOU think you have pretty eyes? Do YOU think you have nice shoulders? You know, I've got a big booty and some people love it, some people make comments about it. I couldn't care less, I love my big booty!!! And I love my pale, freckly skin. Some people would just die if they had my skin because they wouldn't be able to tan every day, but you know, I think I look a lot different than everyone else and I love my freckles. I didn't ALWAYS feel that way about myself, but it's how I honestly feel about myself now. I bet you've got things about your appearance that you like too. And after losing all that weight? I bet you've got a bangin' body already!! =)

I think most people have insecurities about their boyfriends, esp. girls with weight problems (and probably the girls without them). I worry that my super skinny boyfriend thinks my rolls and cellulite are nasty, and he probably wishes that I were skinny like him. But he assures me he loves my body, he thinks it's crazy why I shouldn't, and he even got a little pouty face when he saw my booty getting smaller. Awww =) But he's most concerned that I'm happy and confident with myself. Do you have real reason to think your boyfriend doesn't have similar feelings about you? Do you really think he's seeing other women or is that just a wall you're building because you aren't sure how you feel about someone loving you, when you're not sure what it's like to love yourself? I'm a firm believer in loving yourself first and being your number one fan (like this carrot! ), then you can trust someone else to love you, too.

Best of luck! And congrats on all that weight loss!!!!!!!

wow - how can i not shed a tear when i read what you lovely ladies have written to support me!!!

you have just helped me get through to another day... binge free...and feeling just a little bit better about myself!!! THANK YOU!!!

Lizzi2010 - you hit it dead on - my boyfriend is not the problem (nor his thoughts about me) - it is me not believing i am worthy of love... i wake up every day look myself in the mirror and make myself believe, even if it is just a fraction more, that i deserve to love myself and be loved by someone else... i guess what is hard is that my ex-husband, who was my first boyfriend and i was with him for 12 years, cheated on me ... so if he could not love me, why could anyone else? well, i am working on that... it was his issues that drove him out of the marriage, not my 'unloveability' ...

today is day 20... i am feeling strong, confident and even a bit sexy today... thank you alllll so much for the encouragement...

keep on keeping on! stay positive, congradulations on the 20 days and all the weight loss its an insperation!

Thanks for sharing your insecurities. I think there is strength in laying it all out like that. Inspirational. And keep up the good work. You can do it. A few more days and you've established a new habit - not binging

well here I am ladies, another binge free day behind me... yet this morning i am wondering if last night was a huge mistake... my boyfriend drove (he lives nearly 2 hrs away) over to see me. i invited him... i knew we'd end up on the sofa "enjoying" ourselves for the first time... yet this morning i feel cheap... and am fighting every instinct i have in me to just run to the store and get every piece of crap i can get my hands on... i guess i have not really resolved the issues about why he is with me... he is my third EVER boyfriend and partner and i feel dirty and used... what is with me!!!! I think you are right - i am way tooooo hard on myself - being with someone you care about, even if you've only been dating a short time, is nothing to be ashamed of... right? it is natural and i am an adult... so why do i feel like a 15 yr old slut? ahhhh... make the voices stop!

Hi Momof2,

These are just sabotaging thoughts. Maybe telling yourself positive things about yourself will help.
Is there a library close by? If so maybe you could look for the Beck Diet Solution book, or work book, by Judith Beck. People have told me they got this book for diet reasons but it actually helped them with the issues they have in their lives.
Remember you are worthy of love and of people caring about you. We have to get rid of all that self talk people helped us develop through our lives.

Congratulations on your success. You have done awesome.

Have a wonderful day.
Ann

you should look at your boyfriend comming over the exact opisite way as you are. It is nothing to be ashamed of at all... were women.. we have to get ours too lol

I think that we get a lot of conditioning when we are younger that we will be "sluts" if we have a sexual experience with a man, lots of warnings to be careful because men will use us, and just a lot of social conditioning in general that we should look sexy but not actually have sex! No wonder many of us are confused and feel guilty when we actually start being sexual beings.

Be true to your morals, but also realize that you are a grown woman and it's OK for you to enjoy your sexuality. If your man treats you with respect and caring and you feel the same way towards him, then it is OK. I have struggled with this over the years so I know where you are coming from but I really do think that we were warned and conditioned for so many years because our parents wanted to keep us safe (and un-pregnant!), but the warnings should have probably been balanced out with talk about how sex really is a good thing for adults!

Congratulations on not binging. That is a real accomplishment and you can be very, very proud of that.

you don't know how much i needed to hear alllll this... thank you so much for taking the time to help me ... i cannot tell you how much it helps to know there are other people out there with similar experiences and who are willing to share... this too will pass! (and if nothing else, i have learned something new about myself as well - i really do miss the closeness of being with someone i care about)