I'm frustrated.
It's Christmas eve and I'm feeling pretty cruddy. Probably the last three Christmases I've been pretty unhappy - though nothing's changed in my life, aside from starting university. I just feel like over the last few years I have become so much more self-aware. Aware of my failings and strengths, aware of my disadvantages (it's funny but growing up poor didn't bother me as much as a child), aware of how tired I am. Aware that society, even one as 'developed' as Canada's (lol, yes, I'm Canadian), is still class-based and image conscious. Thin, beautiful women are favoured socially and economically.
I am not fat. I am almost 5'8 and 160 pounds at most (usually I'm in the 150's). I consider myself a little chunky, and certainly not thin like I was before I began being more depressive and self-medicating with food. Which is what distrubs me most - yes, I would LOVE to lose some weight - but more than that, I would love to not feel addicted to food. I would love not to have a problemed relationship with food.
I am not happy right now. I feel lonely and under-stimulated. My relationship with my family is strained, and I am sad to say that I don't feel my current circle of friends is 'feeding' me - emotionally, intelletually, socially. I feel alone, and I feel that the people around me are there more out of convenience, rather than true connection. Rather than reflecting who I really am or what I like or what my values are, they are there out of proximity and happenstance.
I am lonely, so I feed myself instead. I think I'm a reasonably intelligent person (at least others have told me so hahah). I do believe that I have the power to change who I am - to grow a new circle of friends, to be happy, to hopefully work in a meaningful and engaging career in my future.
But so often I am beating myself down. It feels like a constant struggle. Yes, it is easier on some days, but it is harder on others. I feel like I yo-yo emotionally all the time. I can be outgoing - I prefer it when I'm being an extrovert - but often my lack of confidence leads me to be quite (painfully) shy. I feel like I'm missing out.
I wish I were more confident about my body; I wish it were smaller, so I would be more motivated to wear nicer clothes than I do and be more confident about who I am (LOL not that I am a slob, I even think I'm quite naturally attractive, aside from carrying some extra weight). I wish I were more engaged and excited about my friends and what's going on in the social world around me than what I'm going to eat (or not eat, if I'm on a 'diet'), on a day-to-day basis.
So this all sounds psychological. Eat healthy, eat a bit less, excercise. Stay on course long enough to lose the weight I want to lose, then maintain. Confidence and health boost. Improved social life, leading to a happier me. It's all attitude, right? Mind over matter - hard work and dedication = results.
This seems perfectly reasonable. Everytime I have embarked on a healthier lifestyle change, it all seems much simpler than I thought it would be. I wonder why I didn't start earlier, am amazed at how much I better I feel, and how easy it is to stay away from junk food (after all, it's just food!). And then I run up against a brick wall - this can happen days, weeks, or even months into a new diet.
I feel this overwhelming urge to eat. I feel like I can't do it anymore. I physically feel light-headed and dizzy. I thought on previous attempts I was restricting too much, which is why I've been feeling this way. So I've been trying to eat around 1800 calories a day, which should be plenty (just enough for me to lose weight on, really).
I always eat breakfast - I know that skipping meals is disasterous for me. Lately I've been eating more at breakfast, adding in fruit. I try making healthy, reasonable choices throughout the day (lean proteins, fruits, veggies, whole grains, small portions of sweets if I have to). I also exercise (or at least walk a lot during the day if I don't get a chance to do cardio and weight lift). I no longer have to work graveyard shifts at work, so my sleeping patterns have improved over the last couple of weeks.
I think I'm doing the physical stuff right. Except I'm STILL running up against that brick wall. WHY? Is it simply my lack of determination? Old habits die hard? Is there a physical reason? I'm only 21, and I've consulted my doctor regarding possible thyroid and diabetes issues (just in case, as I have a family history of both). Blood tests show that every thing is normal. Am I just not ready to quit?
I guess I'm asking if anyone thinks I should be doing any thing differently, or if really I should be focusing more on changing the mental aspect of doing this? If so, how do you mentally cope with that overwhelming desire to eat, eat, eat?
What am I doing wrong? I don't get it.