This is long. Just had to vent and get it off my chest.
First of all, I realize this is an unhealthy situation. I realize that I'm being codependent and what he's doing is mentally abusive and I know I should end it. However, when you're in a situation like this, it's easier said than done. I'm hoping that if I know *why* he is like this, it might be a bit easier for me to let go.
My boyfriend of a year is an officer in the Army. He has a very stressful job, and has been in Iraq for two months now. However these problems have existed for our entire relationship, the distance hasn't created any new issues.
Ever since I've known him, he's been kind of a quiet type. I figured he was just shy, and I'm somewhat shy at first, so I can understand this. However, a month or two into our relationship, I realized that he wasn't just shy and slow to warm up, he just has a brooding negative personality.
The only way he shows any kind of affection is by buying me gifts (he bought me a Wii, I get flowers every few weeks, jewelry, and any little thing). I do not ask for the gifts, and I would MUCH rather get an enthusiastic hug from him than an expensive gift. I literally have to ask him to hug me more, he huffs if I try to cuddle on the couch, and I'm surprised if I get any random act of affection from him (a spontaneous "I love you" or holding my hand, etc). We have a decent sex life, but it's a wam bam thank you ma'am type of thing. The only way he knows how to show his love is by buying presents.
But the real problem is this. He's so easily angered. He's deeply insecure and jealous. If another guy is in my presence in an entirely innocent situation (hanging out with my friend and her boyfriend, for example), he gets upset. He says he can't trust me and that I'm replacing him with another man. It's exhausting trying to explain myself constantly. I am not a cheater, it's deeply against my morals, but somehow I can't prove this to him. I promised him that I would be entirely faithful to him for the deployment and he shouldn't even have to worry about it. He said "I expect the worst, hope for the best."
Furthermore, he's easily angered at really insignificant things. I interrupted a story he was telling the other day, and it infuriated him. If I miss a phone call or if I'm late or if I forget something that he's told me or if I even begin to suggest that I'm at all frustrated with him, he gets mad. An he doesn't even stay to discuss it, he just leaves. He'll leave me alone in his apartment, or if he's at my apartment he'll go home. He's left me at his uncle's house.
I am NOT a fighter. I have had relationships where we never had a single big blow out fight. So whenever he gets upset over these tiny things, I find myself apologizing profusely. Desperately trying to salvage the peace. Even though I know perfectly well that it's his own darn fault for being mad about a stupid insignificant thing, I apologize. If I stand up and say "get over it," he leaves.
Besides all of that, he's just always in an unhappy mood. Now that he's in Iraq, he calls every other day or so, and I wait for his calls, I love hearing from him. I'm bursting with things to tell him, and to tell him I love him. He complains about work, complains how he's tired, and if I ever try to tell him a story or anything, he says "well, I need to get back to work." I always feel defeated and disappointed after his calls.
I know he loves me. He always talks about getting married, he sends very sweet notes about how much he loves me and misses me. He had a lockett made with our names engraved on it and our favorite picture of us inside it. Just little gestures like that let me know that he loves me. But at the same time, I've never felt satisfied. If he loves me, why can't he be happy to talk to me? Why does he constantly criticise me and pick at me? I don't need expensive gifts, it would make my world if just one day he could call and sound enthusiastic to talk to me and say "I love you so much!"
I know I'm half the problem just for staying with him. I have my own securities. My mother was a late-stage alcoholic, and I grew up trying to be more important in her life than her drink...an uphill battle. Also, like many of us here, I have self-confidence issues. I KNOW I don't deserve this, but at the same time, a little piece of me is so amazed that somebody would love me that I feel like I can endure anything as long as he'll still love me.
I've read dozens of stories of women with men just like mine. But I don't understand why. Why is he like this?
Again, I know this is unhealthy and that he will not change. I know I need to end it, but when you truly care about a person, it's hard to let them go....even if they are hurting you.
Sorry for the novel.