The last time, I`ve looked I have maintained, but I have not been looking for the last three days. I`m finding it hard to stay committed and feel that I`m slowly slipping into the old habits.
Winter may have something to do with it, or boredom. For the last three days, I have been eating as if I was getting my period, but this has not yet come. With the eating however come the very familiar feelings of fear, self-loathing and loss of control. I`m feeling fat, even though when I look into a mirror, I see that I`m slim. I`m afraid to put it all back instantly.
I need to regain control and be as vigorous as I was when I started off. Zero tolerance for carbs at night. Excercising every second day, and not allow the cold weather to be an excuse. Healthy, large breakfast and zero tolerance for snacks. It worked so well, but I appear to be abandoning it bit by bit.
Nothing feels as good as being thin feels.
I used to dislike this quote because it always seemed a bit “pro ana” to me. I am am experiencing for myself that the quote holds true.
When I want too much of a bad thing I remember what it was like to have as much as I wanted but be large and miserable about it.
Thinking I was looking good and then pictures showing me otherwise. I used to have a go at the person who took the photo, for making me look so fat.
Hating to catch my reflection in a window - which I increasingly do just now, as the darker season has started. It could ruin my confidence for the whole day, just to see myself for a split second. I`m now smiling when I do, as I actually quite like what I see.
Feeling confident in bed. Feeling beautiful, believing him when he says it, feeling I`m giving him a gift when he is caressing my body.
The utterly fat and miserable feeling after I`ve eaten too much of what I should not have eaten. Before I have it I want it so much. While I`m still eating it I don`t enjoy it any more and once it`s gone and the pleasure had, I resent it and dread facing the consequences.
Why should I?
Why should I let it all go again for the sake of refined junk food?