Hey, Tiara,
Like the other responses, I can also relate to the cruel mother situation. Mine isn't as obvious, but it's the 'concerned little comments' that drive me nuts...My whole life I've never been good enough - I was 'SO like your father' (and that was never a good thing). My stepdad ignored me and when I raised the subject I was told, "well, you did make it very difficult to love you when dad moved in".... I was TWO. So I grew up, the oldest of four girls, and always the odd one out...the one that never quite fit in with this perfect, happy, earth mother type family. And that was always MY fault.
It took me YEARS of therapy (and meds) to figure out that I needed to - and could - let it go. My therapist did this awesome thing with me,where she asked me to write down the things I felt were my best qualities. That was really hard for me, as I'm not good at finding things good about me. In the end we came up with a few between us...things like, my sense of humour, my intelligence, my sensitivity, that I'm a good mom. She then said, 'so, does your mom have a good sense of humour'. That made me laugh, as she has NO sense of humour. She went through all of them and asked, 'so, does your mom do this'. When it got to 'is your mom a good mom' my immediate response was 'yes'. She just looked at me for a long time, and I finally said, 'well, ok, not to me, but she's a great mom to my sisters'. Her response was, 'to be a good mom, should you not be good to ALL your children' and when i agreed, she said, 'so is she a good mom?'. At the end of the session she said, 'so, all these things you've listed as things you prize about yourself are all things you hold dear - things you value as important in people...and your mom has none of these things'. Then she said, 'so, why does it still bother you what she says or thinks, when she's obviously someone who doesn't share your ideals and values?'. It was like a light went on...literally a life altering moment. This moment of "WOW".
I'm very nearly 40 and it took me till my early 30's to accept that my step dad didn't like me, let alone love me (my mom always said, 'well....he's very FOND of you'), and to stop trying so hard to make that change. And I was in my late thirties when I realised that my mom was not someone I'd choose to be close to if she weren't my mom...that we have nothing in common, and no shared values...and that I didn't need, or even want, anymore, her approval or validation.
My depression is genetic as well as based in the fact that as a small child, no-one really loved me...I grew up believing I was unlovable and worthless...and if ever you asked my mom she'd be horrified that I felt that way....then she'd be angry and start on about how 'oh, that's Joanna, she's always been melodramatic that way, just take it with a pinch of salt'. Now, I'm finally able to say...'whatever' and move on. The sense of liberation is huge - let me tell you. I still have contact with all my family (they all still live in Europe and I'm in Canada) but I can take it or leave it. I don't need their validation anymore, and in not needing that, I'm less bothered by their thoughtless, careless comments.
I'm sorry - I'm posting huge here, but I wanted to try to show you that this stuff passes. Whatever her reasons for being that way, you don't need to buy in to it. Because a person is a mother does not make them automatically a good, or nice, or pleasant, or caring person. We're still just human. Should we be petty and vindictive and cruel to our kids? NO - but some mothers are. And that's about HER, not you.
I agree with the post earlier about saying, "you know, I'm doing ok on this myself, and if it's ok with you, I'd prefer not to discuss it with you". Take back the power - she only has it if you let her, so make it your own again!
You're strong enough to lose 49lbs - I bow to you - that's awesome! And that makes me know you're strong enough to stop her in her tracks.
Remember - I am woman, hear me roar!!