I agree with this and here's a big for you.

If you mean me, I think you do lol, I haven't lost that much yet. I'm about 25 pounds to the 100 pound mark. I struggle, but learning how to cope with my problems, past and present, is what has made me go forward. I have a lot of goals, I struggle, but all the struggles I work through make me come more and more out of hiding and help me grow as a person. So, I have a bittersweet relationship with my struggling lol.

My weight is deeply rooted with personal problems, so the more I work on myself on the inside shows on the outside. Saying that there are times I've gained back bits of weight and had to relose or I don't lose at all. I'm a work in progress lol. As we all are I'm sure.

I'm not meaning to start a flame war or hijack the thread, but I'm honestly curious about those people who seem to think that it is okay to criticize others for not making healthy choices, or for spending time with someone who is overweight as though part of the quest for thinness requires shunning people who have chosen not to make that journey.

I make healthy choices for myself, but I hope that if I reach my goal weight that I won't start choosing only thin friends.

One of my very closest friends is 5'8", 128 pounds, and freakishly gorgeous. She is a minor celebrity and even when people don't know who she is, they assume that she is someone important. She looks like a movie star.

This dear friend never criticized me about my weight, never commented on it, and when I made remarks like "I should lose weight" she used to say "diets are evil" and stuff that would make me feel better.

Since I started losing weight, she's also been super supportive. Only now do I realize that she tracks her calories every day and maintains her weight by sticking to 1200 cals per day and working out A LOT. In the past, I had always assumed that she was just "naturally thin..."

My point is that I wasn't going to lose weight until I was ready, and I feel that my friend was super supportive my not sitting around talking about her diet and exercise when she knew that that wasn't something I was into.

I think we should be compassionate of our friends.... I have been overweight for a long time, and during that time many people criticized me for it, but not a single one of those criticisms made me lose weight.

That motivation had to come from within.

If your happy than who can tell you otherwise? She shouldn't have said the things that she said to you. You should tell her how you feel about your bf and your health.

Personally, I think saying this stuff to you during your BIRTHDAY celebrations was beyond insensitive, and was just plain cruel (had she been drinking?) Is she always this shallow and self-absorbed?

It would have been much different if she had said, "I'm worried about you," but it sounds alot more like she's thinking only of herself. It sounds like she's embarassed to have an overweight friend, and embarassed to have a friend dating an overweight man.

I could be wrong, but it's the impression I get from the original post.

I can't imagine any of my friends or family (of any size) telling me that they would like me better if I lost weight or made any other drastic change in my life (ooh, then I better run out and change whatever it is that you don't like, so that you'll like me more - I don't think so).

That being said, my friends and family HAVE made comments about my weight - and for the most part they are well-intended and I take them that way. They've always said they were worried about my health and mobility - NOT about whether I was going to be more fun to be around.

I suppose I wouldn't have even minded a "You were more fun to be around, when you were thinner," but "I liked you better," maybe it seems like a trivial distinction to some people - but I don't think so. A friend who is concerned for YOU doesn't say that kind of thing. The first is insensitive, but I think the second is intentionally cruel. A person would have to be incredibly shallow NOT to realize this. I would think that any rational person would at least apologize after letting something like that pass their lips. If they don't, they're really only thinking about themselves. Why are you responsible for providing her with a more "likeable" friend - and the "bottom of the barrel" comment, really is off-base (unless he has a criminal record, severely mentally ill, has no job, a history of spousal abuse... serious defects not just overweight. If your bf is super, morbidly obese, or severely physically handicapped, I would cut your friend a little more slack. It's not any more valid, but many people cannot see beyond physical handicaps. My sister dated a man with mild cerebral palsy. He had a very slight speech impediment and walked with a leg brace and a slight, but obvious limp. Some of HER friends gave her a hard time, because they ASSUMED he was mentally challenged (he was earning his masters degree, and was quite intelligent, funny and charming).

Anyone can have a bad, self-absorbed day. If your friend isn't ALWAYS this shallow, I'd forgive and forget, but if this kind of thing comes up alot, I'd suggest seriously looking at the friendship. Overall, is she a positive or negative force in your life? If there's more negative than positive, I wouldn't call her a friend.

I do hate when people tell me to use such nastiness as "motivation" to lose weight. To me, it doesn't motivate at all, it only wounds. "I'll show them," only gives "them" more power, and what does retaliation do, but prove them right, and let them smugly think that their nastiness "lit a fire" under your butt.

I'm not saying to stay overweight to spite her, I'm just saying that comments like that I believe are a negativity that are best ignored/forgotten. Lose weight for YOUR reasons, not to impress or satisfy the desires of anyone else.

This has really hit a nerve with me, and I may be over-reacting. It just seems to me, to go beyond insensitive. I suspect if you told your boyfriend the story with your friend's words verbatim, he probably would agree (if you consider keeping her as a friend, I would NOT go into those details with him).

I appreciate your thoughts and the time you took to reply to me. Your post hits the nail on the head all the way through but one part that really stands out is the part about people thinking they "lit a fire under your butt". That is exactly what I don't want her thinking either! I was already on 3FC, already starting to work on losing weight, and now I almost hate to give her the satisfaction of thinking any of my future success is thanks to her. And she is super thin...thinks everyone should strive to be that thin...it is not a big deal to me to be perfect. I would like to lose some weight but realistically I doubt I will ever be super thin no matter what - I wasn't in my younger healthier days so why would I be now in my 40s? The part about it being right before my birthday definitely made it worse too!

Thanks Pammy, I probably should tell her. But she is already mad that I talked to my BF about anything we talked about at all. By the way, I'm from Jacksonville, FL too! Went to Robert E. Lee then Forrest High School

I agree, talk to your friend and let her know how you feel about your boyfriend and how hurtful her comments were.

Sometimes people have their hearts in the right place, but don't use their heads when trying to explain how they feel.

Your friend is a bonehead.

It's a peculiar modern mental illness that a person who is overweight is somehow 'worth less' than someone who is not.

Being overweight is fixable.

Having a crappy personality is not.

You've gotten old enough (and smart enough) to understand how important it is to be with someone who is decent human being. Sounds like your friend has still not learned that particular lesson (and maybe never will)

Keep your Mr. Nice and when the time is right, you two might decide to lose the weight - and then watch how jealous your friend is that you have a guy who is both good-looking AND nice.

It is hard for me to comprehend that the comment was based only on the shallow thought that your bf isn't body beautiful enough. What a jerk! if that is the case. And it seems plain old envy of your happiness is the motivator of that jacka$$ comment.

Are people really so stooopid?

There are a lot of great points on this thread so I won't repeat them.

I will say one thing: I take birthdays VERY seriously. It's MY day. I'm usually non-confrontational and will brush off a lot of statements but if anyone, ANYONE, tried to ruin my birthday like your friend did, homegirl would have a fat lip (at least).

Not cool.

to you and a belated . Told ya I take them seriously.

Could her comments have anything to do with her not having a relationship in 5 years and you being secure in one?
Although her comments were out of line, it might not have anything to do with the way you or your boyfriend look.
Maybe it is her own insecurity and jealousy of seeing you being happy in a relationship and her still being single that brought this out and she couldn't find a way to express herself in an appropriate way.

Hey you!!! I was right where you are a few months ago! (NO REALLY- I was 5'9 and 240 aiming for 160!)

You can totally do this and once you get past the pain and discomfort of rearranging yourlifestyle... ITS ADDICTING! seriously, when I cant run or exercise now, I'm so bummed out and irritable. Exercise is the new heroin!

or.. healthy version of heroin? I dunno, it's crack either way. Or is it?

Anyway- I'm going to make sure you stick around because this place is wonderful. Check out sparkpeople.com too. Especially if you are the kind of person that works well off of recognition for your hard work. You really truly can turn all this around.

♥

Happy belated birthday - I hope this will be your year!

Sad that someone could even contemplate that you are only dating whom you are dating because there is noone better out there for you (if I`m interpreting this correctly). I heard this a lot about couples where both partners are overweight, and it infuriates me!!

You allude that she appears to be generally superficial (no guy is good enough for HER), so if you look at her remarks in this context, this will hopefully make it sound less harsh. Shame on her though!

Exactly what I was thinking too.. Maybe the OP just had more overall energy when she was more fit and gave off a different vibe.

Normally I would be offended by those type of comments also. When I was with my ex-bf, a few friends kept telling me he wasn't right for me but I didn't listen. Since then I've learned it's good to get opinions and views from outside of my own little box. Maybe the comments seem harsh when you didn't ask for them.. but your friends could have good intentions just wanting whats best for you.