Quote:
Originally Posted by Lori Bell
I just HAVE to ask this...do you really believe you gained the weight back because of the attention? Really and truly? Deep down inside you made a conscious decision to regain your weight because people paid attention to you? I'm sure it's a legitimate excuse, people must do it all the time. I ask because I once said that...but in my case it wasn't true. I gained the weight back plus 100 more because I started eating sugar fortified foods again and didn't want to stop. I simply didn't care anymore. It had nothing to do with the attention...matter of fact the new attention I received by gaining massive amounts of weight was way worse than the attention I received when I was thin. Somehow thinking and saying I couldn't handle the new found attention sounded better than "I just gave up". Anyway, my 'ol weight gain because I didn't like the attention excuse us just that...an excuse. Oh...I was the queen of them.
Wow, you've really got me to thinking . . .
I honestly do think it was one of the many reasons behind me gaining that weight back, but I doubt it was conscious. And I must emphasize that there were many reasons (or excuses) behind all that had happened . . .
I had severe social issues as a child. I grew up with sexual abuse and was petrified of the opposite sex by the time I hit puberty, something I wasn't able to get over by any amount until I went into therapy in my mid-twenties. I was told there's often a connection between sexual abuse and obesity. I started gaining as a young teenager (I developed asthma and allergies all at once and blew up like a balloon) and never got myself below an obese point since then, not even once . . .
I used to blame the asthma for my weight, but I'm sure I didn't eat right as a kid. My mother was obese and we'd often diet together, and looking back neither of us really knew what we were doing. She meant well and tried hard but I think I picked up a lot of bad habits from her. Not that I blame her for that (bless her heart), not now or even back then.
I remember part of me wished I could go to the school dances, date the boys like the other girls my age were . . . but I felt fat and ugly and had absolutely no self-esteem. And worse, it was scary to even think about a boy looking at me. Even though I'd daydream about being "thin and pretty," I don't think it was something I was mentally prepared for. Even if I somehow got blessed with a healthy body, I still would have felt rotten on the inside and probably would have continued to turn to food for comfort.
But looking back to when I was in my early 20's . . . I was unhappy with my weight (I was at about the same weight back then as I am right now) and decided to do something about it. I educated myself with many books on nutrition and went lap swimming at the YMCA five times a week. I was working at a mall shop at the time, and as I dropped the weight off (about 50 pounds) people noticed big time. I liked the attention I got from my friends and co-workers, but when the male customers started hitting on me? I'd never dated, wasn't even friends with any guys, and I'd never been hit on before. I don't know how many times I went home scared and crying, still feeling as rotten as ever inside and not knowing how to handle what was happening to me.
I'm not really sure what the breaking point was, but around the time I got a bad case of food poisoning, I stopped caring about what I was eating and let my YMCA membership expire. Then I got laid off from the mall job I'd loved so much, and immediately started working at a Pizza Hut. Um, yeah . . . all the free pizza I could eat.
You could definitely say there's been a long line of excuses after that. For example, my first boyfriend and I argued a lot about food, and I gained nearly 100 pounds when I lived with him. I could blame him for that, but really, I'm the one that controls what I put in my mouth, and I have to be the one accountable (I have since lost the weight I'd gained while living with him, at least). And maybe that's the thing. Maybe I wasn't ready to be held accountable until recently? I think it was easy to give up myself because I didn't feel I was worth it.
Anyway, I feel like I'm finally the one in control ever since I've made this new commitment and I hope I've cleared all possible excuses out of the way.
And I'm feeling good about it all as well. Whatever's in the past can now remain there . . . I'm finally ready to step up and take care of myself; I used to hate thinking about the future but I truly feel now that I have a lot to look forward to.