Thanks for all the responses!
Yeah I really dislike the snooping too. I'm not usually like that...
It's tough.. he's at work right now, and I've got to work on a paper, but yeah I've decided to talk to him tonight. It's better to find out the truth than let it drive me crazy. MindiV, yeah I don't want to end up like that, it would be like poison.. also, he gave me the password when he was drunk. It's funny the things that come out when a person has been drinking.. he's the type of person where alcohol becomes a "truth serum".
Honestly, we've got a great thing going right now so I don't think it would be worth breaking up with him over, but I still need to know. He came back for a second during lunch to bring me food and it almost feels like a dream about what I read.
The worst thing about it is now I'm wondering whether I was just a secondary girl to him, a security blanket.. a month or so after the email was dated for that one girl, he went through a lot of stuff that I was there for him for. Now I'm wondering if he hadn't taken a year off and things were going well for him, if he would have still kept it up? I know "what if's" are bad and that's why I need to know from him.
We've always tried to keep things equal but it's always been kinda him loving me more. I love him immensely but it was always him slightly more, but after reading those, I have serious doubts. I feel like a fool- if he had been partying and hooking up with girls that whole summer, all the while telling me he loved me... and then still looking for another girl online, then it kind of restructures everything I thought about him. What I know him for today is different and I know that, but it still casts serious doubts in my mind about our whole relationship and if there are other instances where he's lied to me. I mean, the e-mails I found were AFTER he deleted most of them... ugh. I could forgive him if say, he was still kinda hung up over his ex and tried to make her feel jealous or something (although in that situation, why not just say that you're in a relationship?), and I he did tell me that he was "catching up" with her during the time, but the girl afterwards bothers me a lot. It's one thing to maybe have still been hung up over an ex, its another thing to be LOOKING for someone else while still being with me.
I'm going to talk to him tonight. I think we can get through this... but I have to take it a step at a time.
Anyway, thank you girls for listening! I'm going to get to the bottom of this and I'll keep you guys updated