Hi everyone... I kind of need to vent. I'm so frustrated... I hope it's ok if I blow off some steam.
The "Barely clinging to my towel" title of this post means a few things... first of all, I mean I'm about ready to throw in the towel. Not just with regard to exercise and eating right, but everything. I'm fed up and sick of feeling like my life is going nowhere and feeling like everything I try to do (from losing weight to running a home business to just keeping the apartment half way tidy) falls flat on its face. I'm also clinging to my towel in that I'm on the South Beach Diet - get it? Like a beach towel? Yeah. Also, there's the Hitchhiker's Guide reference... I'm not a very hoopy frood these days.
Anyhow. I'm just so exhausted. I feel like every freaking day is an uphill battle. I have Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism), Seasonal Affective Disorder, and mild hypoglycemia. What this adds up to is some seriously miserable Winters, as well as a fairly rotten Rest-Of-The-Time. Specifically, the co-morbidities are driving me nutty. Due to the AS I don't get hunger signals at least 75% of the time, so usually I only know I'm hungry when I start yelling at my boyfriend or my cats or myself for no good reason. Which is why I'm partial to South Beach, since it helps keep my blood sugar on a more even keel. But then, the AS also means I don't feel right - can't really think straight, get even more overstimulated by sensory input - when I don't have super crunchy foods, like cookies or crackers or chips. All simple carbs guaranteed to send my blood sugar wonky, nevermind sabotage any weight loss. ARGH.
Between the AS crunchy-cravings and good old-fashioned emotional eating I've ordered Chinese food three times in the last week or so, and I'm feeling kind of hopeless. I keep picking myself back up and eating right for a few days, but I end up really wanting to have crunchy, fried, comforting food - that I don't have to bother with making!
Then there's just the fact that between the super sensitive SAD (a rainy week will screw me up BADLY) and the fact that I'm pretty much adrift right now - no job, no kids, generally no compelling reason to get out of bed - it's pretty dang hard to remember why I should bother. I'm not morbidly obese, or even obese (though I skate that line at my highest weight) so it's not a pressing health issue, other than the fact that it's probably adding to my overall crappy mood. I've been out of shape (though not overweight) my whole life and my body is starting to complain. My joints feel at least ten years older than they are, and I have to energy.
I just feel like giving up sometimes. I know I should probably get on meds, at least for the winter and rainy stretches like we're having (it's been overcast or raining nearly every day for at least two weeks now). But it's one more thing to deal with and I'm having a hard time finding to energy... I don't drive so I need to arrange a ride, and the communication issues of AS mean the whole thing will be SO exhausting - just scheduling the appointment is super stressful.
Anyways. I'm basically just whining, because I don't have anywhere else to vent all this crankiness. I know that eating right and especially exercising will help with my depression issues, and that if I just watch the clock and eat carefully that should help with the AS/hypoglycemia issues. And I'll probably get myself on meds as soon as the weather clears up enough for me to handle it. I'm scared they'll make me gain weight, but if I'm not dragged down by the weather I should be ok to make it clear to a doctor that meds with weight-gain side effects should be avoided if possible.
I just needed to get all of that off my chest. I get so frustrated fighting more than just the usual weight loss issues. It's such a battle, you know? Thanks for "listening" - if you could make it this far! - it's just nice to have some one to talk to, and I figured maybe some of you might get where I'm coming from. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone helps, you know?