I apologize from the beginning that this post may get a little long. This is my story with a question at the end.
I was always heavy growing up, at least since 5th grade or so. Not heavy like I am now, but heavier than most of the others my age. It never seemed to bother me much until high school when boys became important. I have a picture of myself at 18 and 175 pounds. At the time, I thought I was huge, now I would love to be that "huge". I never dated, never had a boyfriend, only a huge string of one night stands that in my mind meant I couldn't have been that bad. I don't remember any weight loss attempts until I was about 23. I had gotten married to the first guy who ever paid attention to me even though I don't think I ever really loved him. I was just afraid that no one else would ever want me.
After about a year, I left him and moved into a place on my own. I don't remember actually trying to lose weight but I became a vegetarian for awhile and spent a lot of time at the bar with my friends. I dropped down to about 145 and I felt great. The string of one night stands (although they increased to several night stands) continued and I got pregnant. My weight went very quickly from 145 to close to 217 when I was pregnant. I was happy with my body for all of a few months before I gained and gained and gained.
Had many attempts over the next ten years or so, but nothing memorable and nothing long term. I seemed to hover around 195 most of the time. I met my current hubby right after the birth of my second child and we have been together ever since, although definately not without some serious struggles.
In 2006, the year I was to turn 35, I lost it. I was terrified to reach what I considered this milestone age and still be this heavy. At 209 pounds, I started losing with diet and exercise and dropped down to just under 180. I was fairly happy with that but was going through a lot personally and quit going to the gym. Well, of course it all came back. Here I am, almost 38 and five pounds over what I started at in 2006.
What bothers me know, is the same thing that bothered me 3 years ago. Even if I lost it all now, got down to my 130 or even something close to it, I feel that I have already lost the chance to do certain things in life. I will never wear a mini skirt, I can't wear those cute tight tshirts that for some reason I have always wanted to wear. I will never wear a bikini, I will never feel comfortable letting people see me naked. Of course, unless you skipped over the first half of this post, you know that attention from men has always been important to me, married or not. I feel like I will never be hot, never be wanted again. I have passed the age where even being thin and dressing better isn't going to make me attractive to others. I am old.
So, I can imagine the responses I might get. You are married, it shouldn't matter if other men find you attractive. And you are right, it shouldn't, but it does. Am I the only one who feels this way? Have others who felt this way ever gotten through it? Do you get to an age where it just doesn't matter anymore? At this point I am terrified that my feelings are just going to get worse as I age, until I do nothing but lay in the fetal position and cry.
I know that I may be more extreme about my feelings than others (hense the counselor) but I figure that I really cant be alone in this thought process.
Sorry about the rambling and sorry to have had to show my crazy side.