There's no way around it, my situation of FAT has become a literal prison. I feel compromised in almost every aspect of my life, yet, I overeat. I have been a race-fit cyclist (merely 13 years ago), I have felt what it feels like to be like a panther waiting to pounce in it's freedom , that glorious feeling of grace that comes with streghth, litheness, .... care to one's body. What happened? I just took a tumble somewhere and let... myself... go. I mean GO ! I don't want to litter this post with a bunch of ordinary emotional baggage, as the reasons I suspect, but I do want to invite those of you like me, to join this thread and have a big pow wow. Why do we do this? Why do we purposefully choose the prison , the straightjacket, the pain and immobility, , the social judgement, which results in a soul deep acceptance of failure....but what's worse, much worse... why do we accept meandering down the path toward disease and injury related to obesity ???
Matters not if we choose to be 30, 50, 100, or more pounds overweight, it is all just different prison sentences. I know many of you here are past the point, and into change for the better, but so have I been on this forum, about 4 times in 2 years. I come back again, ready to bargain with myself, I'll give up my insanity for some results for a change? I have talked about this StatusQuo of Obesity with friends and on various forums, many times. I cant count how many times a helpful person suggested I journal my food intake. It goes way deeper, much, much deeper than pencil and pen and just being clueless about the calories I consume. In fact, I am not clueless at all. I willfully choose to 'enjoy' a couple extra thousand calories in a day, of mostly healthful snacks, perhaps to sooth my angst, to find pleasure in the food, but always there's a lurking sabotage at the point I take my empty plate back to the sink. What kind of pleasure was that? That is what is the craziest thing, the wreckless abandonment of any amount of discipline.
Every night I am up to pee (perimenopausal sweats and sleeplessness) and when semi-conscious I feel the dread as frightfully as a demon come to visit me in the night , feeling like a beached whale as I try to get out of bed. As I waddle to the toilet , I feel the obesity like a festering diseased reality I've created, and every night I vow to not go another day. I could easily guess this promising and breaking of my promise has been going on for years. Hundreds of promises broken, every day, only enforces the sabotage.
I know exactly what to do, what to eat, and I exercize a lot, yet, when under some veil of fuzzy perception, I lose my way. Prefering the comfort of the known, the imposing, painful, constraining walls of the FAT prison, over the utter joy of freedom, is very crazy. But, there has become normalcy in craziness.
I choose to be free ! I need to surround myself with watchful friends, so that I can get past day one, into day two tomorrow. Might I find that help here?