Several thoughts I'm trying to sort through, and what better way than by writing them out?
The first thought is related to something someone said in a post...something along the lines of, "every second of every day is a chance to make a good choice or a bad choice." The entire concept of being "good" or "bad" EVERY SINGLE SECOND of EVERY SINGLE DAY makes me feel almost hysterically anxious. I have this huge knot in my stomach (where I carry my stress) at the thought that I'm being judged every single second, that I could be judged for every single thing I do, and that I am never safe within myself. I can't stand the pressure. There is always the expectation that I make the right choice. If I'm not actively doing something to further my goal then I'm not living up to my potential, and if I'm not putting everything I have into it then I'm going to fail at some point. I'm bad, and wrong, and a slacker because I'm not actively trying with everything I have every single day. If I make other choices, no matter why I'm making those other choices, then I AM BAD AND WRONG. The pressure makes me want to hide in bed and cry, frankly. I'm coming to realize that I just can't live with that kind of expectation. I can't carry it. I can't sustain it. I'm such a perfectionist that I just can't bear up under it. I need to find a new way of approaching this. I need to come up with some way that I AM OKAY if I'm just doing my best.
How are you handling this? How do you think of your choices? Are you able to accept that you are "doing your best", and if so, HOW are you able to accept that? Do you believe that pressure and perfectionism is necesary for you to achieve your goals?