I have come to the realization that I have no self-esteem. Zero. Ok, maybe not zero, but very bad. As I posted recently, I've *never* been a thin person. Ever. Even as a child, past the age of 6-7, I've always been chubby. Not obese(that didn't come until adulthood), but always with a little belly on me. I had a growth spurt in early high school--for awhile there I was maybe only 10 lbs overweight and I looked pretty good then! I got attention from guys, I felt good in my clothes---but I gained weight. That was over 10 years ago now--I'm 24. Eventually I would gain over 50 lbs from that high school weight.
So any way, I'm not at my goal weight yet, but I'm closing in on it. A weight that I've never weighed as an adult...I've realized I'm not mentally prepared to be perceived as someone half-way decent looking. I don't know how to take compliements...I seriously wonder if people are joking. I don't know how to take glances from men or even friendliness at all. I go out of my way not to look at people in the eyes when I'm out in public--especially by myself so when I do happen to catch someone's glance I am unnerved by it. I constantly wonder if there's something on my face or some reason I'm unaware of that they would have to look at me. I see even average looking guys as being "out of my league"--the thought of dating someone who *I* find to be very attractive is foreign to me. I am socially awkward with people I find attractive...I often can think of nothing better to do than smile, laugh moronically at whatever they've said(assuming it was an attempt to be funny), and then run off without another word.
I know that it's the result of years and years of being a bigger person...people--close to me or not--have worn it down with little comments(often made out of thoughtlessness, not ill-wishes). Even my own mother telling me things like "you'll never find a boyfriend looking like that." or "your boyfriend would like you better if you lost weight". Will this body-image improve with time? Or will I always feel so awkward and squimish about it?