Let me first say that I have finally found a person that loves me - to the core, and that feels f'ing phenomenal , but I'm gaining weight back like a mofo!
Weight I worked so hard to rid myself of is easily slipping back on while my jeans are getting tighter, my face is ultra bloated and I can no longer feel the definition I had in my legs and arms. I've pretty much been a lapsed dieter since May and here we are, entering October and I'm nowhere near the goals I had set forth. Instead, I would say I've put back on 5 pounds of solid, wiggly, jiggly fat. And I have to be naked a lot more now.
I can't blame him, but he is always spoiling me in the wrong ways, like chocolate or Chinese. And when I'm at his place for the weekend (he lives 2.5 hours North) its a lot of "let's eat here" . ."I'm hungry" . . . "Want some ___" from him. It is hard, too, because he lives in a college town where are there nothing to do - and I'm not kidding, besides to get food or shop it.
It is like he's become my eating partner. Only he's losing weight (he's lost about 30 pounds since we've been dating) and I'm putting it back on. He says I that I do not need to lose weight - because he loves me and thinks I'm a pretty gal regardless of how many muffins I've got in the bread box. And I think that's the kicker for me. I'm unmotivated by my unmotivation. But I know I'm just waiting to hit bottom - the point where I'm back in my size 22s and barely leaving the house but to go to work. Because it is happening now and it has happened before.
(In 2002, I moved in with my then-boyfriend across the country after just losing 55 pounds and getting to 170 pounds, my lowest adult weight. It didn't take long before that was gained back and I hit my highest weight ever before the term of our 5 year relationship was over.)
As of today, I'm sitting at 200.6 pounds and a size 16. I know I could be better, but I know I've been a lot worse. I have goals, but I can't seem to stay on track because as soon as I do great for a few days, I see him again. And here we go, back to Chocolate and Chinese.
For me, he is my trigger. When I'm around him, I want to eat. And at the same time, I don't want him to see me eat. I can not get my head around it. But its like an uncomfortable comfortable.
Anyway, I felt like this could be some sort of confessional for me. To log in and be inspired again by all of you and your dedication and your knowledge and your heart.
So, Chicks: How do I stop eating my love instead of giving it and enjoy it? Am I scared to know that emotional love I seek is best shared between me and bag of chips instead of me and man I am hoping to spend the rest of my days with?
Any answers, any responses at all are so much appreciated,
Anniemal.