I'm not sure if it's the PCO's, stress or just life, but somedays I feel so overwhelmed by everything that goes on around me .. I just don't know what to do!! I don't know weather to scream, cry or laugh .. things never use to bother me like this. I constantly feel like I am hitting roadblocks in everything I do!! I feel like I resent everyone around me for having a life .. but I don't know how to get one for myself!! Everything I do seems to be for someone else's benefit .. how do I stop that??? I CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING ALL BY MYSELF!! I shouldn't have to deal with everything .. and I do mean EVERYTHING!!!! I do all the normal homemaker stuff .. cook, clean, errands and such .. plus I have to juggle the lives of 3 other families around that of my own (I'm a foster parent) .. and deal with their issues and behaviours on a daily basis!! I look at my husband sitting on the couch watching TV and I resent him for it because I am running around doing EVERYTHING!! I see my foster kids doing their things and I resent that!!! I resent being the glue / rock that holds it all together!! Why cant someone hold it together for me??? Am I being selfish????? I informed one mother that I required her visits be arranged a head of time so that I could plan my activities in advance .. she had the nerve to say to me "Then why did you, your husband and daughter become foster parents when you can't handle it??" This from a woman who can't deal with her own daughters behaviour!!! I informed her that I am able to deal with the children but due to having to schedule things for 4 families requires some advance notice .. she made me so angry that I told her that all of her visits with her daughter had to be made through her Social Worker!! I never do that!!!! I have been fighting with CAS to have a Child Care Worker come into my home to provide support for me (this has been an on going battle for the past three years and I just got it approved .. I was so happy!) .. so I can get a life .. my husband is flipping out that he does not want strangers in HIS house .. well its my house too .. and I really dont give too hoots what HE WANTS this is about what I WANT!!! I feel like I am expected to deal with his mother's cancer .. and his family fighting .. while he refuses to even call to see how she is .. I'm tired of dialing the number and handing him the phone!!! I'm tired of having to deal with all the stressors in everyone elses life!!! Am I being selfish if I say .. grow up and do it yourself??? I am tired of being asked simple questions like "Where are my socks?" THEY ARE IN THE SAME DRAWER THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IN!!!!! I miss placed my ATM card tonight .. not one person out of 5 helped me look for it!!! I want to stand in the middle of the room and yell " WHAT ABOUT ME!!!! DO YOU NOT SEE ME??? DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I COULD USE SOME HELP??? GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND HELP ME!!!!!! Am I going insane???
I feel like life is passing me by! I read other peoples posts and I recall the past .. when I lived closer to my family and had a "regular job" that I could leave and come home and relax!! All that is gone .. my family lives so far away (at least it feels far away) and I miss them soooooooo much!! I miss being hugged by my mommy!! And having friends that would visit and chit chat!! I so miss having time to do things that I want to do!! When did life get so hard???
Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown .. then things slow down and poof its ok for a little bit. But life has a way of hitting you upside the head when you least expect it!! And lately .. I havent been able to handle it well.