I hope this Monday is treating you with every bit of love and attention you need. I am surprisingly happy about my life, yet feel mildly rubbed.
This past weekend, I hosted a Father's Day / Birthday part at my home. Completely with Keylime Pie, grilled Sirloin for the guests of honor and grilled chicken for the rest of us. Everything hand made, everything given that extra little special because I feel it's the right thing to do.
No one has ever gone out of their way for me. This is something that I've come to understand and stopped the mourning of this fantasy many moons ago. I do these things for people because I truly want the best for them, and giving them my love is the only thing I as a human being can do. Regardless if they give me the love and respect back that I would like.
Now some Dr. Phil wanna-be's may say that I have a co-dependency issue, or even a counter-dependency issue. Or the "Yes Child" syndrome. I assure you these are items that have all been addressed and dealt with filed away in the extremely large filing cabinet known as my brain. I came to these conclusion because treating people well is what makes me feel good. Yes, I suppose it is a selfish motive, but a las I suppose there are worse things in the world.
The reason I am expounding with this drivel is because a specific event took place this weekend that brought me to the valley of heaving tears and crying (privately of course because no one wants to deal with a Debbie downer).
I love my In-Laws, but I don't like them. More pointedly I don't like the STEP-MOTHER-IN-LAW. She's really conservative old school Chinese (like off the boat) and her two sons graduated from MIT with Doctorates. The beaming pride of her womb. She and my husbands Dad married about 11 years ago, my husband and I have been together about 10 years. So lots of new people in the family. Lots of personalities to learn. And lots of changing to be done on my part. I didn't mind. I was and still am dreamily in love with my husband. And we get along probably as good as any man and wife could. We are best friends.
As part of the "supportive" role of his parents for my less than stellar background, they offered to put me through college. I of course swallowing all levels of pride that might have come in the way and took up the challenge. This was not offered until I got my associates degree with top marks, then they offered. I think they were testing me which is fine.
Fast forward to today 3 semesters left till I graduate. I have busted my BUTT off (not as much as I'd like but hey!) I have managed on holding on to a solid 4.0 this entire time. I am | | close to graduating at the top of my class in Computer Science and Web Development. Summa Cum Laude BABY WOO HOO.
I keep them apprised of my grades to let them know their money has not been wasted. I do not mention it often, just went I send them little updates about once a yearly quarter. My hubby jokes that I need to fail a class (or at least get an A-) to remove some of the stress of it off me. To which end his father during our weekend party responded "Yes maybe it will teach her some humility."
I was very grateful for the sunglasses I was wearing, because I died inside. I am NOT an arrogant person. But I am proud of what I have accomplished. I have come from crap and made beautiful life (this is a story for another thread heheh). I just couldln't believe they thought so poorly of me. All I ever wanted was for someone in my life that I revered as a "parent" to love me and be proud of me. Even if only for a moment. Yes I realize "Seek therapy" trust me I am in therapy LOL and we speak of the concepts of deficiencies and other mental maladies that either society or our families even our selves post upon our souls. But I do not believe it is a horrible thing to still want some praise, not insults.
None the less I have found that people generally act different towards me when they find out i'm in school. Some develop the attitude of "well she's still a child, her life hasn't started just yet" and others ask me "when are you going to have children?" As if me being 29 years old and childless is a huge crime.
No one seems to understand the severity in my mind of this accomplishment. No one in my family has ever achieved a college degree. Many of them do not even have a HS education, MAYBE (and thats a HUGE maybe) have a GED.
This is not to say that education is the end all be all, and I am loving and patient to those who have their dreams. Why is it that so many seem to despise my goal as frivolous?
I cannot tell you the times I've heard from my own father that "no one gives a **** about your GPA so long as you do your job." my old boss responded in a similar matter, "Some may not hire you because they think you don't have a clue about real life and are just a book worm."
I just want to scream. What is wrong with people?
Only a handful (outside of anyone who reads this) know about my GPA. Only those that ask why I don't go out to the bars with them or vacation ask what I do with my time. I simply reply "I've got school."
It wasn't until my boss asked the pointed question of "What kind of grades do you get out of all that work you put in." was when I replied my quest. Her face was bewildered. "Wow, I was lucky to get B's or C's. I just wanted to get out of there."
*sigh*
I apologies for this EXTREMELY long story about a whine person just whining because someone didn't give her a gold star. I just feel a bit alone and think maybe my quest is pointless, but then the idea of getting anything less than perfect makes my chest tighten. I am competitive, and want to succeed for me!
I apologize for this long story, I just don't feel very inspired right now and only wanted to vent to let someone else out there know to follow your dreams no matter what other say. It will be your dreams and memories that will forever be in your heart. Screw the rest of them if they cannot accept that.
All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.
Benjamin Franklin
What class are you?Benjamin Franklin