I haven't been on this site in quite some time. In fact, the last weight I had recorded on here was 207.4lbs. I'm now at 244lbs, which means I gained back approximately 37lbs in the past months.
Last summer I read "Overcoming Overeating", and found it inspiring. I really thought I had figured out that it was my obsession with my weight that was keeping me fat. Since then, I've stopped counting every calorie I eat, I've stopped feeling good/bad based on that day's weight, and I've stopped making it my goal to lose weight. Now, you might be thinking, "Yeah! And look what happened, you gained back almost 40lbs!" Well, true. But there have been a number of other circumstances accommodating dating that, not least of which is that I worked full-time and went to school full-time for almost 7 months. Now I'm back to working part-time (still in school full-time), and I actually have (a bit of) time to breathe again. Being so busy meant never having time to exercise, nor having time to plan food. I spent most of my day sitting at a desk, either at work or at school, and when I'd get home (at midnight) I just wanted to crash.
In this time, too, I've gotten into the fat/body acceptance movement. I've come to love my body in a way that I certainly didn't when I was obsessed with weight loss. I've come to realize that fat isn't evil, and I don't have to lose weight just because I'm fat. I don't owe weight loss to myself, nor anyone else. I can be healthy at this weight. But after 7 months of no exercise and eating whatever was cheap and readily available, I'm certainly not healthy.
I've become really interested in eating whole, natural foods, and cutting out processed, "100 calorie pack!", refined foods. I found half a loaf of Dempster's bread in my cupboard that I didn't remember buying (who knows how long ago it was, probably weeks), and it was still fresh and white. That's not cool! I want to eat food that will actually break down, as organic things ought to. I've been eating this way for a few weeks, and haven't seen any losses on the scale, but the gastrointestinal problems I had been having have almost entirely vanished. Plus, I have more energy.
That said, I'm still in a classroom/at the library/at work for the majority of the day. Right now, my education and supporting myself financially are my priorities, not weight loss. Thinking back on it, I love the body I had at ~200lbs. I was still fat–obese, even!–but I was so mentally unhealthy back then that I couldn't appreciate my body for what it was. I was in shape, I had curves, I moved easily and my body felt good, even if my mind didn't. Now I have a healthy mind, and I'm desperate to get back my healthy body. It's not the fatness I don't like about my body, it's the way it performs: I'm out of breath climbing stairs, I can't see the muscle tone in my legs and back and arms, and I don't feel motivated to do active things because they're not as "easy" as they were for me when I was in shape.
But I feel helpless. Without being in that "MUST LOSE WEIGHT" mode, I don't know how to be. That's how I've bee since I was 9 years old. I'm still hella busy, and don't have time to get to the gym right now. Time is my most valuable asset, and it's generally the case that I feel it would be a better use of my time to read/study/work than to exercise.
And here I've spent precious minutes writing this post, rather than exercising. I'm hoping someone here can help me. At 244lbs, I'm not sure I actually want to lose 100lbs (frankly, my goal right now is to get down to 215lbs or so, as long as I also get in shape), but this was my support group before I left, and you cats are a great bunch.
I have:
- 10lb, 3lb & 5lb freeweights
- Walk Away the Pounds (1, 2, & 3 mile walks)
- Just My Size Yoga
- gusto (currently in hibernation, though)
I don't have:
- a gym membership (nor money for one, yet)
- much space (bachelor apartment!)
- time. =P
Any advice? I feel like I don't even know my body anymore. I've definitely put my health aside, and I want to reclaim it.