Hello everyone. I hope you had a good week-end.
Lily -- I didn't post last week, so I'll say it now: I hope you'll get better soon!
On my side of the world, I am actually glad that Easter is over. I had too much work to do to go back to my family, so basically I ate crap all week-end long between two doses of homework to try to forget that I currently live the life of a lonely loser. Alright, there also was SNOW, cold, no sun, and my body is still severely sunlight-deprived, that's stress facto to the power of ten. And it seems that my back has decided to play the card of "I'm going to hurt just little enough for you to be able to walk and do everyday things normally, but any attempt at running or, God forbid it, lift weights, and you're toast". I'm really tired of always having something come up in between me and my trainings; all I do is always start from scratch, painfully catch up to the level where I was before, and then I'm sick or the gym is closed for three weeks or my back is a goner or whatever else.
I want SUMMER. SUN. Air that is a little hotter than 0°C. Else I'm going to hit rock-bottom and wither for good.
Speaking of food, don't be surprised if you don't see me that often here in weeks or even months to come. I really need to get away for some time from anything that is 'diet-related', or I'll never be able to pick myself up. It used to be that 3FC helped me keep accountable; now it's unfortunately the contrary, well everything that is too focused on losing weight is actually a problem. The fact is, reading about diet stuff (some call it lifestyle change, but I've read enough blogs/posts on the web now to realize that for many, it means 'diet/restriction' all the same) is a no-no when you suffer from an eating disorder, and that what I suffer from, there's no use denying it. All I wanted was to be "normal" regarding food. I guess I got just the contrary. Oh well. And if I see one more post with content along the lines of "I ate ONE COOKIE, I'm such a FAT COW and a FAILURE", or "if I had taken a crap before my weigh-in, would I have been 2 lbs. lighter, I can't believe I didn't even think to pee before"... I'll scream, and probably proceed to down my whole box of Ambien over the misery of the world. (In other words, stop the hate, it's a cookie, not the Antichrist made flour.) That's what I need to avoid. Or maybe I should just hang around the exercise forum, at least when I'm healthy again and not downright frustrated/stressed with being unable to do something else than just walking or climbing on my bike. But no more tickers, no more obsessing about having to lose, it just makes things worse, and I'm going insane over all of this. Stopping "just a little" doesn't cut it, in the end, I need to be more drastic than that.
Now, that's not a drama-queen "I'm going away foreeeeeever" post. I bet I'll even be back sooner than I'd think. I am drawn to this place anyway, so I won't forget it for good. But I'm also aware I have to visit/read less often, too, and work on my issues first, at my own rhythm, without always having the words "weight loss" in mind. Which is something hard to avoid on a board dedicated to weight loss, after all, as much as I like the place.