I think this fear of being caught exercising with a less than perfect body is a very weird cultural phenomenon. Why on earth, should someone with a few (or like me over 200) pounds to lose be embarassed to be seen moving in public? Talk about adding to the burden of being overweight, if there's a social restriction on being caught doing something about it.

It's crazy, but it is common to feel that we're doing something "naughty" or the focus of everyone's attention if we eat something fattening OR eat something healthy, AND if we're doing (or not doing) something active or strenuous in public. We really do create a no-win situation for ourselves, and anticipate negative attention, even if we don't get it.

To a degree, we are taught to do this. We didn't all invent the paranoia in our heads because we're crazy by nature. We see it on tv, and see other people doing it (or rather don't see people doing it) or talking about it, and from our own experiences (some people do think and say horrible things when they see an overweight person eating (healthy or not) or exercising (or not exercising). I've heard people laughing (and making comments, so I wasn't just imagining that the comments were made toward me) when I've ordered a salad, and when I've ordered an ice cream cone.

I've been fat since age 5, and I guess I learned early that I'm not responsible for other people's idiocy. I've pretty much, at least since my late 20's or early 30's, been able to exercise in a gym or pool without paying attention to others or feeling self-conscious. Except when I enter one of those "perfect-people" gyms. I had a great job several years ago for a company that gave an excellent discount for Gold's gym - and I never even used my free pass, because when I walked in and saw that virtually every exerciser was in view of everyone else AND there wasn't a single person in there that had more than 20 lbs to lose, well let's just say I wanted to back away slowly and hope no one saw me.

But, just because most of us have learned it, doesn't mean we can't unlearn it. Hubby and I bought bicycles the summer before last, and I KNOW we both look ridiculous on them, and I was mortified when the neighbors would smile and wave (but I waved back anyway, because I felt I was supposed to, though I knew my face was so red they probably thought it was because I was about to have a heart attack rather than the embarassment I felt).

In a sense, I feel it's a "big-girl" victory to be able to get out there and show that I can refuse to stay inside the house with the shades drawn until (or unless) I am an "acceptable" size. Bleep that!

When I was at my highest weight (and determined not to get any higher!) I got some trial memberships at a few gyms, figuring at best I'd find a great place I wanted to work out, at worst, I'd have gotten some exercise for free...honestly I felt very self-conscious at 24 hour fitness, the girls there were all in their sports bras and spandex pants running on the treadmills....and there I was, purple faced and struggling to keep the pedals going on the bike, on the 'easy' setting...I felt some stares, and I definitely felt like they were negative, but looking back on it, I think my perception said more about how I felt there than necessarily things were, I felt like I didn't belong and so any attention just sort of was like a validation of that feeling. I went to another gym for a trial membership, but the girl who set it up for me made me feel so bad about myself I never even went back to use it. I ended up just buying my own elliptical so I could work out at home without feeling so self-conscious.

Now I work at a medical school and the gym is only 5 dollars a month and I'm allowed to take an extra half hour (90 minutes total) on my lunch break 3 times a week to use it, so I am an actual gym user. I don't know if its because I've already lost a good amount of the weight, that everyone there is either a coworker or student, or I'm just older and wiser, but I don't feel at all like I did at the other gyms, I get the sense that everyone else there is pretty much just focused on themselves and not on me at all.

I don't really pay much attention to anyone there either, I look around the whole time but more as a time-passer, I probably have zoned out at some point and seemed to be focusing on one person, but mostly my eyes just rove around. Sometimes I'll try to figure out if a person using a machine I want to use might be nearly finished, I suppose they might think I'm staring at them but really I'm trying to figure out from their machine screen what time they might have left!

On days that I don't wear my contact lenses, I have to take my glasses off when I'm doing cardio. They're heavy (I'm one of those nearsighted to the point of needed coke bottle lenses people) and when I sweat they slip right off my face. And I'm *really* nearsighted. Like, I can't see the numbers on the readout w/out them. So something to consider ... when I workout w/out my glasses/contacts, I could be staring at someone and not even know it. To me you'd just be a big blur (and not big from your size, but just a blurry area) and I'd have no idea that you even thought I was staring.

You just never know.

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