Hi,

Its been ages (and a couple pounds- in the wrong direction) since I've been on the boards but In the interim I've come out to myself and while I was doing some real thinking about it I think I have realized that maybe part of the reason that I gained weight around puberty was no so much out of a strict fear of intimacy(though its def. a issue) but maybe also a fear of discovery. It's much easier to make excuses for not having a boyfriend when you are overweight and unattractive than when you are not and I face the boyfriend question ALL the time with my family. I am very school/career oriented so I get cut some slack but its still feels like alot of pressure in my traditional latin family.

But now I feel like its time for me to actively pursue the kind of relationship I want (I guess you can call me a super gold star lesbian cause Ive never even dated anyone at all, let alone a man) and the weight makes it so much harder. I just can't see walking into cattyshack as a size 16. It would just feel like I have one more kind of "otherness" fat, poor, gay, minority. I think the gay community definitely tends to be more accepting of people in general and has a very broad definition of beauty but i'd still feel like a cliche.

I think this and how being obese could effect my career prospects is probably the strongest motivation I have had in awhile but everyone says that it's best to lose weight for more intrinsic reasons but I'm young enough to honestly not be incredibly concerned about my health-even though I'm probably laying the ground work for more serious health problems sooner than I think and while I do have some self esteem problems the fact is I am successful at most things I attempt because contrary to the really stupid stereotype about overweight people, I work really hard (on everything but weight loss). So I am worried that this motivation will not be long lasting and I'll just keep inching up the scale until my health and confidence are really at risk.

Am I really just over thinking this? Should I just suck it up and give up the cola, start running again, spike my hair and walk into ladies night?

First of all, you have to love yourself! You are beautiful no matter what you think or how you look. When your mind is in the right state, it can be veryyyy powerfu!!!! check out powerfulintentions.com (its part of the book/movie The Secret) I have been on a weight roller coaster all of my life and when you really set your mind on something, no matter what it is, it can be accomplished. About the cola, if youre drinking regular, switch to diet. I know I couldnt live without my caffinated diet coke. As motivation goes, this site is amazing. Ive never talked to more positive, inspirational, and motivating people in my life. Whenever you are down just get online. Losing weight will obviously help your self confidence because we live in a society where being overweight is simply not acceptable. It used to be the complete opposite years ago. Everyone wanted to gain some weight because everyone was very thin and the real women were thicker. I know ive been takling in circles. Hope this helped... even a lil

Houseofmirth: First off, good for you working on getting to know yourself better and come to terms with your feelings. It's certainly not easy to do that sometimes. As someone who has struggled with issues of sexuality for quite a while (and spent a lot of time pretending I didn't have certain feelings), I can relate. And I lived 2 blocks away from Cattyshack all summer and never had the nerve to go there! But I am sure that place (and the few others like it in the city) is full of ladies sizes 0 to whatever, who wouldn't just see you as a cliche. I think you should totally spike your hair and hit the ladies night, and giving up cola and going running are not bad ideas either, obv.

Maybe you could try a place that would be less intimidating, like just go read a book (or pretend to read a book while you check out the ladies) in a coffee shop in the Village or something. I'm still figuring all this stuff out myself, especially since I've only been in the city a year, but I think there are a lot of places where you can work on feeling comfortable in your skin and with your sexuality. And I think sometimes getting comfortable in your skin is also what it takes to be motivated to live healthier too. I wish you well, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk to someone who's also been confused and a little lost (not that I have all/any of the answers now either).

House of Mirth meet Eastcoastgirl
Eastcoastgirl meet House of Mirth

There, now you two are introduced perhaps you can face some of your issues together as you seem to have a lot in common and live in the same city. Perhaps you could go to those clubs you're currently scared to enter together as its much better being with someone than going alone.

House of Mirth: my advice to you is "carpe diem" and don't put your life on hold waiting to lose weight. Get out there girl and life your life as you want to.

Kitty

House of Mirth:

You totally are over thinking this! Which is completely normal. I think you totally should give up cola, go running, spike your hair and go to ladies night!

Of course that might all be a bit much at once. Take it one step at a time.

I agree with KforKitty, you can't put your life on hold because of your weight. But I also agree with eastcoastgirl, just take it slow. One small step at a time to get yourself out there into the dating world. Coming to grips with sexuallity is a very hard thing, and you've taken that first major step already, so just be proud you've come this far!

As for cola and running, all depends on how you want to get healthy and lsoe weight. And everyone's got their own plan.

I came out in 2003, and I was 30-40 pounds heavier. I didn't let the weight stop be from letting my friends and family knowing how I felt inside, and who I really was. Hon, I wouldn't let the weight stop you. Do what you feel is best, and let the world see the REAL you! Spike that hair up, Fo'hawk it, Do whatever you want with it, and show those ladies who's the "man"! LOL! ;D

Hi everyone!

Thanks for all the responses...you've all given me a lot to think about...even though that seems to be my problem...thinking. This is what makes me good at my job and less good at life I guess

I just wanted very much to thank you all. I feel really lucky to have found such a supportive place, you chicks are all awesome (even if I do think most chicks are awesome)!

You are very welcome.