I feel like I am on the verge of reverting back. I have been this whole month. I have managed not to gain but a pound (and it is TOM right now so who freaking knows)...But still. I see myself falling back into the traps... Being so busy at school I don't eat much until the afternoon, and then I am so hungry I give in to my fast food cravings and gorge myself on whatever else I can find around the house that I shouldn't be eating.. Just like I always did to get 224 in the first place. Gluttonous stuffing of the worst foods I could choose.
I am graduating college this year and I am just so busy. I have a full load of classes, as well as a senior exhibit to prepare for, as well as working on my Nursing degree. I have to decide whether or not I want to go on to grad school in art, or finish Nursing school (I start clinicals next semester if I want to). Then I have to worry about finding the money to PAY for more school. I am stressing mentally and financially. I am having family issues to worry about. All this stress makes me turn back to food for comfort and I hate it! I hate what I am doing to my body. I hate that I am screwing up what I worked so hard for. I hate that it's the end of September and I only lost 2 pounds, then gained one back. I hate that I can't make myself get up and goto the gym, even though I love it once I get there. I hate that even though I have lost 40 pounds, I still have 40 more to go. Things were so much easier during the summer. I had no stress or temptation. I could focus 100% on weight loss. Also, now that I have a social life again it makes it even harder because we eat out alot, drink sometimes...you guys know what I am dealing with.
What I love...That I am actually getting compliments on how good I look when I dress up. People used to never notice. I guess I was too fat to look presentable in anything. I love that I FEEL like I look better. I am so much more confident now. I love buying clothes again. I love waking up in the morning and making myself cute. (I used to wear PJ's to class religiously because I just didn't care) I love that I have more energy. I love, on the occasions that I do go to the gym, the fact that I outlast the skinny girls who come in to workout beside me. They come in for 15-20 minutes and they are done, I am there atleast 40.
I just don't know what to do. Someone had suggested I tried maintenance instead of weightloss...But I have been "maintaining" all month. I don't WANT to maintain. I want to LOSE it. I am tired of being unhealthy. Sick and tired of it. That's why I am so infuriated at myself right now. I keep trying to throw all this hard work away. For nothing. For a cheeseburger here...Some fries there.. Burrito's...I am wasting my time and energy because of freaking burrito's.
OK I have vented. This didn't accomplish much but whining, but I have been needing to let it all out for a LONG time.