So I'm feeling unusually down today for no particular reason and I need to vent.
SINCE I'M venting, I'm also offering for ALL of you to vent as well! We can give each other support
Every negative thing anyone has ever said about me rings in my mind forever and comes back to haunt me on some days.
As a kid, I was teased relentlessly. First, it was my clothes. I had no fashion sense. My family was poor and therefore couldn't afford to buy me nice clothes, so in addition to being mismatched, my clothes were dingy. Then, I got fat and became a crater face, which caused kids to pick on me because I was ugly. My teeth were also crooked, and I talked funny. I never had any money growing up and I don't have any money now. It's hard for me to even picture what having a consistant, comfortable income would be like - I've been pseudo rich for spurts, but nothing has lasted. All my bills stretch me so thin (less than $20 in my bank account by the time I'm done), my credit score is in the crapper with no hope for repair, BUT I'm still thankful that I can even pay my bills and that I'm not starving, sick, homeless, or romantically unloved.
I skipped a grade in early elementary school. Instead of people thinking I was intelligent and cool (like I hoped they would), they just thought I was weird and nerdy. Even though I was in the "GT" program, the pretentious GT kids didn't accept me and thought I was stupid because I had a lisp and couldn't properly pronounce my R's. Oh, and I was ugly. And fat. Which MUST equal stupid, RIGHT?!
At the beginning of high school, I got fatter and fatter because I drowned my sadness and lack of a social life in food, video games, and the internet - a place where I could hide behind my computer and stop being hated.
After that, I made a mission of being the most beautiful person on earth. I starved myself from 165 to 105, fake baked, dyed my hair a bottle blonde color, and wore trendy clothes. I continued all this until I pissed myself off at the fake, shallow person I had become. So, I chopped off all my hair, donated my closet to my sister, came out of the closet , and pretended to love myself.
I haven't changed much since, physically, apart from my weight fluctuations. But I still pretend to love myself. The problem is, I DON'T. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy, but instead I remember things like:
"She'd have a really nice rack if she lost thirty pounds. Wait, if she lost thirty pounds, she probably wouldn't even HAVE a rack!"
"Stupid hillbilly. She'll never amount to anything."
"You know, Aidyn. That chunky girl who is dating the hot Puerto Rican."
"Jelly rolls! JELLY ROLLS! HAHAHA FATTY!" (from a random car - I haven't gotten it recently but I still hate my body)
"WHAT HAPPENED? HOW did she get so FAT? She was rail thin when I knew her!"
Today, I want to starve myself. And every day after that, until I'm skinny and Hollywood-freaking-gorgeous. But I won't. Because it won't make me happy; I only think it will. I hope that when I get down to my goal of 125-135 that I will somehow find inner peace. I see pieces and tastes of it now, but I know it will be a lot more present once I can lift up my shirt and see abdominal definition. Then, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I can be at peace with my WEIGHT and focus on other things to hate (or maybe even LOVE) myself for.
*Takes a deep breath*
Damn, that was long.