Sometimes I can't tell the difference between genuine marital problems and my being unhappy due to depression... does anyone else feel this way?

I guess it's like which came first - the problems in the marriage or the depression...

I have been feeling like maybe I'm ready for a divorce, but I really would hate to look back on things and realize the problem was depression not my relationship.

I'm in the same boat -- I'm incredibly depressed over my weight, the fact I stayed home with my kids and don't have a fulfilling job outside of the house, having to constantly ask for money, etc. I'm so ready for a divorce and can come up with a million reasons to go and few to stay. But, I really think it's all internalized in me and not really so much my marriage. I'm very unhappy with how my husband treats me but I think a lot of it is that I feel so bad about myself that I'm projecting that on my relationship.

I'm sure this doesn't help you much, but there are so many things that can be done to save a marriage and I worry there is no going back once you say those words "I want a divorce".

Oh honey, I could write the book on this one - but it wouldn't make for a very good read!

I am starting to understand that I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will almost certainly NEVER know which came first, my depression or the problems in my marriage... in my own case, I suspect it has been a nasty, vicious cycle of one feeding into the other.

I, too, spend a lot (a LOT!) of time wondering: if I walk away form this, and *I* am the problem, what have I gained? What have I LOST?

On the other hand, isn't it bloody exhausting constantly wondering "What can I change? If I can just get it right, he will love me/want me/treat me the way I wish to be treated..." and so on.

I have no great words of wisdom - things are really quite bad in my house, but I am a trier, and a self-blamer, and I am surrounded by a lot of 'things' that I would lose if I leave. I do realise this makes me shallow - so be it.

You know, we live in a time when we are constantly bombarded by stories, films and books about infidelity, divorce and separation. We are accosted by magazines that inform us that if we are 'strong women', we also must be capable of saying "Hey! I deserve better! What have you done for me LATELY?!" and it makes me sad. I could stop at the store tomorrow and buy half a dozen magazines that would tell me how to 'kick him to the curb' if he 'don't show me no respect!' Maybe it's true - maybe I need to get on that bandwagon... I don't know. It just doesn't FEEL right to me.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time - I hear you, and I feel for you, and I wish you strength and courage - and love.

Heather

I think a lot of my problem is I wish for a "perfect" marriage. I see others who seem to get along so much better than we do, have a nicer house than us, go out together all the time, etc. But you know, who knows what goes on in their house. I really think I was expecting too much from my marriage. I was looking for a fairytale and life doesn't work that way. I invision being happier on my own (with just the kids) but who knows if I would be -- I think it would just create different problems.

I definitely do not like the way he speaks to me, treats me, etc. But then when I think about it - I allowed this to happen, I allowed him to treat me that way, and now how do you change what you've already set into motion?

Also we got together very young and as we are aging I am seeing we have different goals in life and different values and that is really starting to worry me. I don't want to give up, but I also don't want to waste my time.

I'm so very sorry you're in this dark place! First, there's no question that weight issues, even if the husband isn't really concerned with them, overwhelm & preoccupy us to the point of depression and in my case I found myself overly critical & angry at my husband. He's not perfect but that's okay. The next thing I discovered was that I have to make my own happiness. Actually that part has been a riot!

There is a phenomenon that is not unusal for women to experience which is that thing of starting to imagine life on the other side. It's easy to be swayed by what we think life should be when comparing it to what we have. Actually, it's almost trendy to boot the guy and start over. Sometimes that's a good idea, sometimes it backfires.

A few thoughts that in my experience I've witnessed over & over:
1. You can't share a life until you have one of your own. Unless we resist heartily, time shoves all of us into a rut. Instead of doing interesting stuff we find ourselves repeatedly playing online games or spending evenings in front of the television. Eventually we look at our boring partners and sigh thinking 'I'm bored, it's his fault because he's not..... (fill in the blank, romantic, exciting, interesting)

If you feel he dosent respect you. Might be a flag to start respecting yourself. You're worth it! Make a list of what you want to accomplish in the next 3,6 & 12 months (no, not weight loss, that's already in the works) and tackle that list! Don't wait for someone else to wake up before you become the lady you've always wanted to be.

2. Before you 'kick the guy to the curb' be fully prepared for the next chick to come trash picking & take off with him. They don't go sign up for being a monk, they look around and jumpstart their lives. If that dosent bother you, then maybe it is time to move forward.

3. Got a clear picture of who you want to be & what you want that person to achieve? If you really want it, the presence of a partner won't really matter. In the end, we really do what we want to do.

You're the only one who can make this tough & huge decision. It's hard but try to resist the bandwagon of 'unhappy but don't know why wives' and dump a perfectly functional partner only to find that life out there isn't as much fun as you expected. Life will be only as good as you create it.

Best wishes to you & take care of yourself!

Marylynn

I too wanted the perfect marriage, so much so that I haven't been married yet. I am engaged and we have lived together for 6 years. I've always looked at his every behavior and asked, "Can I live with this forever?"

Although nobody is perfect, he definitely treats me great in many ways most women want: cards, constant compliments (alone and in front of others), and affection. The depression however can make me put up with things I don't like at times or deserve. This has been a real problem in past relationships.

My problem lately has been my depression is causing me to be a burden. I quit my job in March due to stress and have been too down to get another. This week I've been so anxiety ridden for no reason that I've freaked out, having panic attacks etc. Whatever his flaws are, nobody could enjoy living with a nut job like myself. If I don't get a handle on it soon and start being a productive, contributing, functioning person I fear I could ruin our relationship.

I do believe also that one feeds the other. Depression can make you pick the wrong person or stay in a bad place and it can also bring tension to a good thing. A bad relationship can feed the depression.

Marylynn -- you are incredibly insightful and organized in your thinking -- wow!! Great advice.

Lizziness -- My husband seems to have the same issues -- he calls me names and degrades me constantly -- because I let him too. I feel less worthy since I gained weight, but the more we allow, the farther they take it. I took my mom's advice and wrote him a letter because discussions get us no where. I guess I have just had enough. I let him know the swearing/name calling will no longer be tolerated. Whenever a discussion begins that gets out of hand, I completely refuse to continue. He can't take me down if I don't participate. I also let him know that if things don't change, I will "follow have to exercise my options". Just couldn't say the "d" word after 10 years of marriage and I have two kids to think of as well. The fact that I've gained 100 pounds since we met I'm sure disappoints him, but that doesn't make me less of a person. I still deserve respect.

I'm hoping just getting it off your chest will help you get your thoughts in order. I know family isn't much good to talk to for me, it just makes them dislike my husband which makes me uncomfortable.

Lots of awesome advice coming your way on this thread, I hope something sticks out that helps you move on. Good luck.

I can't speak to the mariage part of your question, but I do identify with the concern of making big life decisions and whether my depression influences those decisions. I quit my job because I hated it, but did I hate it? Or was I just so miserably depressed that I would have hated the best job in the world? I moved because I felt unhappy in my other house. Was the house the problem or was it my depression that colored my feelings about it? I often question my decision making skills because of the depression and have trouble separating fact from feeling.

First of all

DH and I have both struggled with depression. It does take a toll on a marriage. Lately it seems as if our marriage was heading south as quick as possible. There were even a few times that we asked each other if we'd be better off without each other. It's a scary thing to go thru. Our marriage has endured a number of HUGE stresses this past year (infidelity on his part, lost jobs, etc). I figure if we can make it thru those things, we can make it work, period. As soon as money allows, we plan to go talk to therapists both individually and as a couple. Since we're both dealing with our depression we both know (somewhat) what the other person is going thru. I know that our weight factors in on our depression though. So, I'm hoping that after we lose a lot of weight - things will get better for us as a couple. He's already lost about 50 pounds, I'm at about 10. I, too, have had to talk to him about how he treats me. I started calling him on it as soon as he would say something. But, guys are such simple minded creatures, they don't realize half the time that what they are saying is extremely hurtful. Things have gotten better with us the past couple of weeks. But, it's work - I know that. I love him with all of my heart - and as much work as it is to have a life with him, I can not imagine my life without him.

Er..

Well, at 19 and only having 2 years of my relationship behind me with my boyfriend (who is 22) I'm hardly the most life-experienced...

But I know I wouldn't put up with someone who calls me names and degrades me! Its one thing to have a perfectly "OK, could be better" relationship and wonder if the grass is greener, but someone who is ACTIVELY mistreating you...surely..why stay?

:-(

emily
xxx

I didn't really get to make the dicision although I had thought of it a few times. I know it was the depression. My ex (we were married 20 years) is a wonderful man and did everything he could to help me but in the end he said that he just couldn't live with me lying on the couch and crying anymore. I guess in some ways I couldn't blame him but I often wonder if I had a different lifelong illness would he have left. Anyway, I know my depression caused us many hard times and in the end divorce.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this

I too had the same story. I was very unhappy; my husband was thoughtless and insensitive, and there were serious problems in our marriage. Looking back some 25 + years together, a couple of the things Marylynn shared really stand out:


I had both of those problems. I had struggled with depression and low self esteem before my marriage. I carried these things into our relationship, and they became 'our' problem. We went to counseling both individually and as a couple. We've also both been on various medications for depression. We're still together, but it's been a lot of work staying together. The most important thing I've learned is to respect myself, and to be assertive with my husband. Things are so much better with us now

I pray that you'll find peace and happiness in your future.

Thank you for all your responses! I need to process them a bit before responding - but I do appreciate all the thoughts and honestly it is good to know I am not alone.

okay- I've had the time I need to assess my situation - and have had a starter conversation about this with my husband...

First off - I do think that it is right that I need to get my own life, figure out what I like to do and DO IT! I can't rely on him for everything. I think this is a part of what I allowed to happen since I've been with him since I was 19.

Also - respect for myself. Something I don't know how to achieve but would like to some day. I have no self esteem- though people around me would disagree with me, say that I'm funny and smart etc - I can't or won't see it. I do link my worthiness a lot to my size, my perceived weakness... I disgust myself therefore I project that everyone is disgusted by me too. (time to see a shrink much?*LOL*)

It most certainly isn't just as easy as - the guy's a jackass kick him to the curb. First off, he's a jackass to everyone. I guess it's part of his charm. We are both very sarcastic and enjoy a good argument. Sadly - these are things that attracted me to him and him to me. I'm not exactly nice to him, and I know this and it doesn't make me happy but it's true. By the end of the day I'm out of nice and I don't feel like putting for the effort. I'm sure he feels the same way too.

Also in regards to kicking him to the curb - we have been together for going on 7 years now. We have a life together, we have debt together, we have a cat *LOL* all these things must be considered.

I wrote a letter but was too scared to show it to him. Putting it out there makes it real and that is terrifying. We did have a talk about it last night... we have agreed to try being nicer to each other and to show each other more respect. Apparently from his perspective I do not open up or talk to him and he finds it frustrating...meanwhile from mine I don't talk to him because it always leads to a fight or to him treating me like I'm stupid. So there we go.

I'm still completely undecided but thanks to your encouraging words I do see that there is still more work to be done, especially on my own with myself...before throwing in the towel. I do still wonder if I'm dissatisfied because I'm depressed or depressed because I'm dissatisfied. Either way, I guess it's up to me to remedy the situation.

Thanks again for the support and wonderful words. I appreciate them more than you'll know.