Off and on since November I have posted a few things about family problems, and how I have a difficult time not taking them inside and letting them fester. This past month has been the hardest, and I keep dwelling. It has left me feeling rotten inside, like I just can't care enough about myself to rekindle feeling. To make it brief, a month ago my Aunt was diagnosed with inoperable cancer in her lungs, ovaries, and liver (she is morbidly obese, and was a week prior, diagnosed with diabetes). It was a hard blow to take, when my mom couldn't my Aunt was the love I needed and when there wasn't money she would pay for clothes or a birthday party to make sure I wasn't "shortchanged" as she called it.
Two weeks ago I had to call the cops on my mom, who has been grappling with undiagnosed mental illness. Paranoid with audiotry hallucinations, she disappeared and turned up soaked with her dog on 3 large cats in a cat carrier and my dying Aunt's house. She was then involentarily detained at my place of work, the local ER, where she was then sent to a psychiatric hospital upon my written testimony. I had my mom locked up. I could scream with all my anger at having to do this, and barely being 21. Two days ago I had to testify, before my mom's accusing eyes, to her behavior (starving herself, selling her property to move to the mountains, refusing to leave the house, talking to the walls and floors and light fixtures *The government*). I looked at the prosecutor and said: "I'm probably not the first daughter to do this, but I feel like the worst." This left my stubborn father, a alcoholic and physical disabled, up on that mountain more than an hour away from me without any help. I've been making that treck in my broken car every other day to make sure he has easy food and a clean house. He is heart broken, angry, and unable to understand that his wife can't control these dilusions and aren't doing them to hurt him. My mom says she never wants to see me again, so the my work just tells me they can't confirm or deny her location when I call.
I work full time and go to school part time and I feel like I am going to explode. I just can't muster the energy or mind to care about my body or myself. I'm greatful to have the love of my life to fall back on (of 4 years), but it is draining on us both and we're tired. She's tired, I can see that. My coworkers, having seen all these issues come through the doors (my aunt, my mom) are disgustingly sympathetic and ask daily how I'm holding up (A rotation of 40ish people who gossip, and it is a constant question).
This is the first time I have really sat down at my computer to write all this. I just don't want to do ANYTHING, save for indulge in icecream and sorbet and sweet drinks. I slept for 18 hour, off and on, but never leaving the bed. I know lots of people here go through life problems like this, how do you make it and care for yourself too? I just don't feel like I can take another day let alone make healthy decisions. I'm tired of my sig other picking up my slack, but I just can't seem to find it in me to help. My moods are off the chart, and my weight climbed a little- I want to be strong and get this under control, I just don't know if I want it bad enough... it is just to easy to get swept away in all these dark emotions.